(Sexual Assault) Wilted Rose Revived: A Spoken Word Poem

[B.nicole]

Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. 
She's harassed by the forecast of the past. 
Demons disguised in the form of lovers 
Until she discovered their true colors. 
She was used and abused, 
Even though she refused. 
Thinking about the past has come back to haunt her.  
In a blur she's transferred back to where the pain occurred. 
Body and mind matured before her years. 
He smears his body on hers as if the message wasn't clear. 
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears. 
Drained, pinned down,
Her expression blank now, hoping for a way out. 
But her pleading is to no avail. 
Face pale, body frail. 
If her life is Hell
Then damn she wears it so well. 
Her tears like cold diamonds on her face,
Wishing she could erase every embrace. 
And he'll never admit to his evil. 
He'll blame it on her intelligence and beauty being lethal. 
She relives this moment on the circuit of her brain,
Detained by her pain. 
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. 
Chilling cold shivers cast 
Over her like frost on a winter rose. 
And as she sits frozen the pain grows. 
Thoughts screaming, head spinning, spiraling. 
Emotions keep piling. 
Lurking in the shadows is the demon of her past,
Back to cause havoc and break her at last. 
But then she sees it clearer,
it's just her standing in the mirror. 
Her past has passed though the memories are very present. 
She'll one day embody the essence
Of creating a new blessing from past unpleasant lessons. 
Through the tribulations and trials, the lows and highs
Again she will rise. 


This spoken word poem is about a sexual assault and the woman having panic attacks while she thinks back about the horrible experience. She doesn't know it at the point in time she is currently in, but one day she will rise above it and overcome both her anxiety and the assault. I'm new to writing and appreciate any feedback. Thank you.

[CRNDLSM]

I like the rhyming, it helps to remember what to say next

Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. 
She's harassed by the forecast of the past. I really like your rhyme positioning throughout, I'd cut forecast here, harassed by her past even flows
Demons disguised in the form of lovers 
Until she discovered their true colors. 
She was used and abused, 
Even though she refused. 
Thinking about the past has come back to haunt her.  Because of past earlier, I'd change this one to like'thinking how history comes back to haunt her' or something
In a blur she's transferred back to where the pain occurred. I'd cut the word 'back' 
Body and mind matured before her years. 
He smears his body on hers as if the message wasn't clear. 
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears. 
Drained, pinned down,
Her expression blank now, hoping for a way out. 
But her pleading is to no avail. 
Face pale, body frail. 
If her life is Hell
Then damn she wears it so well. You don't need this line, wears it well in the flow changes the mood and takes away from intensity 
Her tears like cold diamonds on her face,
Wishing she could erase every embrace. 
And he'll never admit to his evil. 
He'll blame it on her intelligence and beauty being lethal. 
She relives this moment on the circuit of her brain,
Detained by her pain. 
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. Nice comeback
Chilling cold shivers cast 
Over her like frost on a winter rose. 
And as she sits frozen the pain grows. I'd change this line because of 'frozen in fear' earlier
Thoughts screaming, head spinning, spiraling. 
Emotions keep piling. I like this rhyme
Lurking in the shadows is the demon of her past, again past too many past
Back to cause havoc and break her at last. 
But then she sees it clearer,
it's just her standing in the mirror. 
Her past has passed oh my though the memories are very present. 
She'll one day embody the essence
Of creating a new blessing from past unpleasant lessons. 
Through the tribulations and trials, the lows and highs
Again she will rise. This line might some it up too nicely


This spoken word poem is about a sexual assault and the woman having panic attacks while she thinks back about the horrible experience. She doesn't know it at the point in time she is currently in, but one day she will rise above it and overcome both her anxiety and the assault. I'm new to writing and appreciate any feedback. Thank you. Keep writing!

[B.nicole]

I like the rhyming, it helps to remember what to say next

Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. 
She's harassed by the forecast of the past. I really like your rhyme positioning throughout, I'd cut forecast here, harassed by her past even flows
Demons disguised in the form of lovers 
Until she discovered their true colors. 
She was used and abused, 
Even though she refused. 
Thinking about the past has come back to haunt her.  Because of past earlier, I'd change this one to like'thinking how history comes back to haunt her' or something
In a blur she's transferred back to where the pain occurred. I'd cut the word 'back' 
Body and mind matured before her years. 
He smears his body on hers as if the message wasn't clear. 
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears. 
Drained, pinned down,
Her expression blank now, hoping for a way out. 
But her pleading is to no avail. 
Face pale, body frail. 
If her life is Hell
Then damn she wears it so well. You don't need this line, wears it well in the flow changes the mood and takes away from intensity 
Her tears like cold diamonds on her face,
Wishing she could erase every embrace. 
And he'll never admit to his evil. 
He'll blame it on her intelligence and beauty being lethal. 
She relives this moment on the circuit of her brain,
Detained by her pain. 
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. Nice comeback
Chilling cold shivers cast 
Over her like frost on a winter rose. 
And as she sits frozen the pain grows. I'd change this line because of 'frozen in fear' earlier
Thoughts screaming, head spinning, spiraling. 
Emotions keep piling. I like this rhyme
Lurking in the shadows is the demon of her past, again past too many past
Back to cause havoc and break her at last. 
But then she sees it clearer,
it's just her standing in the mirror. 
Her past has passed oh my though the memories are very present. 
She'll one day embody the essence
Of creating a new blessing from past unpleasant lessons. 
Through the tribulations and trials, the lows and highs
Again she will rise. This line might some it up too nicely


This spoken word poem is about a sexual assault and the woman having panic attacks while she thinks back about the horrible experience. She doesn't know it at the point in time she is currently in, but one day she will rise above it and overcome both her anxiety and the assault. I'm new to writing and appreciate any feedback. Thank you. Keep writing!

I agree with the changing the second "past" to "history", omitting "back", as well as changing the second "frozen" to "petrified" instead. I don't know if I should rewrite the line completely or not, I'll have to read it over a few times. I purposely ran with the repetitiveness of "demon of her past" and "the past has passed" as in spoken word I thought it flows, but if it doesn't then I will absolutely change it. The last line is a nod to Maya Angelou. The poem is about me and I have "still I rise" tattooed. It's always been a favorite of mine. But if it doesn't fit into the poem nicely I could definitely change it. Thank you very much for the feedback! I greatly appreciate it!

[CRNDLSM]

I'd wait for more feedback

[B.nicole]

I'd wait for more feedback

I will! I added some of the corrections to my notebook to look at again later after I get more feedback.

[ClaireLou]

I like dark poetry & I really liked how this flowed, I will say that I think that the word "Past" was included a little too often but that is nitpicking as overall it is a good poem with the prospect of being a great poem with very little additional work.

[Wastrel]

I like the title, wilted rose revived. It sets the tone of the poem. The rose will not be crushed. The repetition of past in the poem perhaps is important because that's what trauma does- throws up the past on repeat. But I think you need to ditch the word from the last few lines, because that's where the rose is revived. Maybe the line where you say "past  has passed" needs a break after it before you go into the ending. Quite honestly, as you've said this is personal to you, the listeners  are going to get something powerful when you read it aloud. Also - as the words "again she shall rise" have had impact on you, I think they should stay in the last bit.

Good luck with this :-)

[nibbed]

Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast. 
She's harassed by the forecast of the past.                                             I love the formation of these first two lines.
Demons disguised in the form of lovers 
Until she discovered their true colors. 
She was used and abused, 
Even though she refused. 
Thinking about the past has come back to haunt her.                            Perhaps, "These thoughts come back to haunt her", or something...
In a blur she's transferred back to where the pain occurred.                  
Body and mind matured before her years.                                              but she never recognized it, though the speaker does
He smears his body on hers as if the message wasn't clear. 
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears. 
Drained, pinned down,
Her expression blank now, hoping for a way out. 
But her pleading is to no avail. 
Face pale, body frail. 
If her life is Hell
Then damn she wears it so well.                                                               I thought of compartmentalizing emotions to deal with later. Maybe omit Then
Her tears like cold diamonds on her face,
Wishing she could erase every embrace. 
And he'll never admit to his evil. 
He'll blame it on her intelligence and beauty being lethal. 
She relives this moment on the circuit of her brain,                                  circuit is a good choice all the way around
Detained by her pain. 
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares vast.                                         A purposeful repeat?
Chilling cold shivers cast 
Over her like frost on a winter rose. 
And as she sits frozen the pain grows.                                                     perhaps, "She sits frozen as the pain grows"?
Thoughts screaming, head spinning, spiraling. 
Emotions keep piling. 
Lurking in the shadows is the demon of her past,
Back to cause havoc and break her at last. 
But then she sees it clearer,
it's just her standing in the mirror. 
Her past has passed though the memories are very present. 
She'll one day embody the essence                                                        I wanted to read more about the new blessings, it ended too soon for me
Of creating a new blessing from past unpleasant lessons. 
Through the tribulations and trials, the lows and highs
Again she will rise. 



This was a very sensitive poem. It stirred up anger a few times as I read it.
It's wonderful in that it shows understanding and care, with anticipation of hope.
It really does fare well spoken.


nibbed

[UlrickMasters]

Wowwwwwwwww I loved this 
I mean yesss it is sadd asf (not sure if I can use that I'm new) 
but gosh when reading this I liked it 
I could feel it and I enjoyed the rhythm  
Great Work I really have to follow up on your work Adding you !!!

[Knot]

Hi B.nicole

A good first draft, though I'm not sure that there's sufficient narrative structure here.
For instance, it's only at the end the reader discovers 'she' has been looking in a mirror.
I'd suggest breaking it down into smaller more manageable sections (or verses if you prefer)
and try to be a bit clearer about what each verse is supposed to achieve. You could even
start them all with the opening line.

It's a good opening, but then you don't develop it.
I'd suggest taking some of the later lines and inserting them here, as in
Eyes heavy, body trembling, nightmares, vast
[Would suggest
Eyes heavy, trembling body.]
chilling cold shivers cast
[don't think shivers can be cast]
over her, frost on a winter rose.
[this is the only rose reference in the piece]
she sits frozen [as the] pain grows.
Thoughts screaming, head spinning,
spiralling, emotions keep piling,
lurking in the shadows [are] the demon[s] of her past,
[Come] to cause havoc and break her at last.
[you have both 'demon' and 'demons' in the piece, which is it?]

[Drag her back to when...]

Body and mind matured before her years.
[I think you could change 'her' to 'their']
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears.
Drained, pinned down,
['pinned down' isn't in keeping with the water/liquid theme here]
Her expression blank now, hoping for a way out.
But her pleading is to no avail.
[I wonder if this would be better condensed to something like;
Frozen in fear, out flows the tears.
Drained, pinned down,
hoping for a way out.
pleading [falls on deaf ears]]
smears his body on hers as if the message wasn't clear.
['smears his body' is a (brutally) terrific phrase]

But then she sees it clearer,
[what does she see?]
it's just her standing in the mirror.
Face pale, body frail.
If her life is Hell
Then damn she wears it so well.
[slight contradiction here, I think]

Her tears like cold diamonds on her face,
[It's the second time you've used tears and cold -
and though 'cold diamonds' is a nice phrase you
might want to change the metaphor in this section]
Wishing she could erase every embrace.

[bit of a jump here?]

And he'll never admit to his evil.
He'll blame it on her intelligence and beauty being lethal.
[this reads like it should lead to a conclusion.
Because 'he'll never admit...' therefore what?]
She relives this moment on the circuit of her brain,
Detained by her pain.
[Which moment? The one where he doesn't admit?
Detained is like harassed, very weak]

Her past has passed though the memories are very present.
She'll one day embody the essence
Of creating a new blessing from past unpleasant lessons.
['unpleasant'?]
Through the tribulations and trials, the lows and highs
Again she will rise.
[Not entirely sure how you can 'rise' through 'highs', nor how to connect
'rise' to a 'wilted rose'. Choose your metaphors and develop them.]

I think the piece has a lot going for it, but I think you need to be clearer
about what you are trying to say (at each stage of the poem),
and to not let rhyme determine meaning.

Best, Knot