Self-Shadowed

[dukealien]

Self-Shadowed


Descending lamp-lit flagstone steps
on starry nights one stumbles, fearful,
blinded by the drape of one’s own shadow.

Written some time ago, just found in a notebook.

[Tiger the Lion]

Self-Shadowed


Descending (lamp-lit flagstone steps) wonderful sounds in this section 
on starry nights one stumbles, fearful,
blinded by the drape of one’s own shadow. like the use of drape here. 

Written some time ago, just found in a notebook.

- nice find

[just mercedes]

I really like this. It's an encapsualtion of a moment - I really think it would be better in first person. More immediate. Maybe I'd leave out 'own' too.

[dukealien]

I really like this. It's an encapsualtion of a moment - I really think it would be better in first person. More immediate. Maybe I'd leave out 'own' too.

Looked back at the notebook, hoping to be able to say it began as first person, but no luck:  there are three versions, first scratchy, second indecipherable due to many arrows and crossouts, and this is the third.  All third person.  I'll think about changing it.  Thanks!

Those steps are at my sister's house.  Walking down them on a dark morning with luggage  is a holy terror:  each step already shades the rest, and your shadow just keeps getting bigger as you move further from the light.  Uneven, too.

[nibbed]

Self-Shadowed


Descending lamp-lit flagstone steps
on starry nights one stumbles, fearful,
blinded by the drape of one’s own shadow.

Written some time ago, just found in a notebook.

I like this poem. Though I read your PS,
I immediately thought about imagination
and the mind when I read it.

stumbles=imagination gone wild
fearful=such thoughts preventing us from success

The mind can really whip up some scary/negative
thoughts that might prevent us from being
in a better place or doing better things.

It also took on another form as I read it again
before pushing the reply button.

I like how one poem can appear to take on
many meanings.

thanks

nibbed

[fuzzyllama1]

Forgive my extensive annotation. I felt in a mood to really break down some short form this evening. Feel free to not read some or all of it as you see fit.

Self-Shadowed Initial impression of the title without reading the poem is it reads like the title to an anime episode. I am drawn to the alliterative titles of Samurai Champloo . Artistic Anarchy, Stranger Searching, Bogus Booty and the like. My second impression after reading brings me to a wealthy (perhaps upper middle class) backyard. Perhaps a Memorial Day Weekend barbeque. I'd imagine the subject is somewhat tipsy and trying not to fall.


Descending lamp-lit flagstone steps Why descending rather than ascending? Ascending to me would infer not wanting to stumble while descending would infer not wanting to fall. There is a greater chance of harm falling down steps than falling up them. Why start the poem with this word? It brings us immediately into the act of going down the steps, it is active. We are not at the top of the steps waiting to come down, we are currently smack-dab in the middle of our little journey. I like lamp-lit and stone steps as alliteration. Both draw my eye and mind to the word flagstone. I didn't spend much time on lamp-lit, it feels like simple imagery to me. Its purpose is to light our setting (the steps). It does its job perfectly leading us to the steps (both structurally and narratively). I had to look up what flagstone steps were. They are shallow, flat slabs of stone. It probably takes 1.5-2.0 strides to walk down each flagstone step. The subject is probably descending awkwardly, trying to find a proper rhythm as is with regular steps, but is not able to.  
on starry nights one stumbles, fearful, Why is the starry night important here? The subject is most likely looking to the ground, carefully placing his steps. The lamp-light washes out most of the star light from the scene. There can't be enough light from the stars to make such a large shadow. Surely, the lamps are providing the light source that creates the shadow. Maybe I need to observe what my shadow looks like on starry nights. Using "one" here provides an everyman sort of quality to the subject. As if everyone that has ever descended flagstone steps ever in the history of forever KNOWS that they will stumble fearfully. It is a matter of fact thing, almost like a proverb. Lends a sort of "this poem is really about life" character to an otherwise literal scene (in my opinion). Why is fearful used here? Fearful is implying real danger. Does the subject really feel danger or is it more of an anxiety/fight-flight type of situation? Perhaps another word could be used. Shadows, in myth and scary stories, can sometimes be things to truly fear. A mimic of one's self, never truly attainable, but always in the way or nearby. Monsters that we are completely capable of becoming. Perhaps fearful could be the right word, but only perhaps.
blinded by the drape of one’s own shadow. Blinded is a word choice that gives the use of "fearful" more substance. If I were completely blinded and thought I would never get my sight back, or I was in a situation in which sight was completely necessary, I would certainly be fearful. However, if I was blinded while I descended flagstone steps I would simply stop walking down until I regained my sight or used other senses to compensate. Not a fearful situation in my opinion and I think there are words that could better fit this scenario. Drape makes me think of a vampire's cape spreading over its victim. Complete coverage rather than partial blindness, haziness, or something of that nature. "one's own shadow" is a phrase that to me says it's really the subject that is afraid of himself. He is not afraid of the steps, hurting himself by falling, or the darkness. He is afraid that what is usually behind him (his shadow/his past) is now shown prominently right before his eyes. It blinds him, completely drapes his vision of the steps in front of him. On his careful journey descending these awkwardly placed steps, he hasn't reached any real problems stopping his descent other than his own regret or past (shadow).

Written some time ago, just found in a notebook.

[dukealien]

Thanks to all the critics, good advice and comments.  Was on the road (in the ancient sense of wheeled transport over non-trivial distances and strange beds)... images seem to be getting through but subject to alternate (not mis-) interpretations.  Need to fiddle with it a bit.

[RiverNotch]

Self-Shadowed


Descending lamp-lit flagstone steps
on starry nights one stumbles, fearful,
blinded by the drape of one’s own shadow.

Written some time ago, just found in a notebook.

The p.s. ruined it for me. It wasn't detached enough from the rest of the work that I would read it as something outside of the work, so I opened it thinking it had purpose. It's not like "previous versions", where I immediately expect the spoilered to be outside the work --- which gets me thinking....

At any rate, it's solid. I don't quite agree with flagstone -- the word's too flat for me -- nor drape, which is a cloth-like interjection into something otherwise straightforward, but those are practical(ly) non-issues.

That said, I do feel like "fearful" points to something that, at least for a speaker of a more nervous disposition, should be more dynamic. Ever had that feeling when you've just gone downstairs for a piss, it's the middle of the night, all the lights are off, and when you've done your business you rush back to your room, heart palpitating, then slam the door shut, as if something hungry in the hallway had just about reached you?

[dukealien]

Self-Shadowed


Descending lamp-lit flagstone steps
on starry nights one stumbles, fearful,
blinded by the drape of one’s own shadow.

Written some time ago, just found in a notebook.

The p.s. ruined it for me. It wasn't detached enough from the rest of the work that I would read it as something outside of the work, so I opened it thinking it had purpose. It's not like "previous versions", where I immediately expect the spoilered to be outside the work --- which gets me thinking....

At any rate, it's solid. I don't quite agree with flagstone -- the word's too flat for me -- nor drape, which is a cloth-like interjection into something otherwise straightforward, but those are practical(ly) non-issues.

That said, I do feel like "fearful" points to something that, at least for a speaker of a more nervous disposition, should be more dynamic. Ever had that feeling when you've just gone downstairs for a piss, it's the middle of the night, all the lights are off, and when you've done your business you rush back to your room, heart palpitating, then slam the door shut, as if something hungry in the hallway had just about reached you?

No, but now, being of a certain age, I worry quite a bit that the next time is going to be even *more* difficult.

Thanks for read & crit.