31

[just mercedes]

low tide Kapiti
terns and oystercatchers write
haiku in wet sand

five seagulls a line of print
spelling m m m m m

[Tiger the Lion]

low tide Kapiti
terns and oystercatchers write
haiku in wet sand

five seagulls a line of print
spelling m m m m m

Wonderful. A part of me wanted it to end after 'sand', - the last 2 lines improve the poem but at a slight cost to the subtlety of the first 3.

Paul

[rayheinrich]

I thought of them/it as two. Either way, they/it are/is beautiful.

And who better to write haiku?
(Not that I'm dissing sand crabs, they're pretty good as well --
they just got named "crab", not their fault.)

[just mercedes]

Thank you, Paul and Ray, for the reads and comments.

The form is a tanka, 31 syllables. This one came from compressing two 'ku into one - I'm not sure it works, either. The first 'ku is stronger on its own, I agree, but the 'couplet' wants to lift your eyes from the beach into the sky. Close-up to distance shot.

[ellajam]

m m m m m The mouth says one syllable but it takes the time of 5. mmmmm

I think it works fine, I'd ditch the space and let L3/4 work together.

[just mercedes]

Thank you! Did you draw birds as the letter m when you were a kid? Does that work for you?

[ellajam]

Thank you! Did you draw birds as the letter m when you were a kid?  Does that work for you?

I pictured their fine tracks in the sand and that worked for me. My birds were a flattened m, that's not what I pictured but I wouldn't mess with it, I like it.