To Give is to Gain
#1
The sun rises just a little bit higher
the crimson pink rose petal accretes a drop of dew
the wind pushes the branches
the ground gains a new leaf
a new bud sprouts from the ground
corn is harvested by the bushel
snow accumulates on the mountain tops.
 
The world sees a new baby's face
the parent emits more love than thought possible
a kind word gives hope
laughter fills a room
a dog rolls over and kisses its owner
 
Coffee drips down into the pot
a breath out
a breath in
 
To accrete is to gain
oxygen in a brain
hope through the pain.
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#2
Seems pretty good. 

(11-10-2016, 04:44 AM)BecktheDog Wrote:  The sun rises just a little bit higher -- just and a little bit may be redundant
the crimson pink rose petal accretes a drop of dew -- Do you need crimson and pink?
the wind pushes the branches
the ground gains a new leaf
a new bud sprouts from the ground -- Repeated the word ground in two lines next to eachother.
corn is harvested by the bushel -- passive voice corn "is." plus is might not be the strongest verb here. 
snow accumulates on the mountain tops.
 
The world sees a new baby's face
the parent emits more love than thought possible
a kind word gives hope
laughter fills a room
a dog rolls over and kisses its owner
 
Coffee drips down into the pot -- do you need "down." dripping always moves downard doesn't it?
a breath out
a breath in
 
To accrete is to gain
oxygen in a brain
hope through the pain.

I  liked it. Gave some comments on style.
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#3
(11-10-2016, 04:44 AM)BecktheDog Wrote:  Hi there, hope you don't mind if I suggest a few things.

The sun rises just a little bit higher - try to replace "just a little bit" with a respective synonym,  would greatly help the theme.
the crimson pink rose petal accretes a drop of dew - fantastic
the wind pushes the branches - possibly try finding a different wording for "pushes the branches", it's simplicity slows down the overall emotion
the ground gains a new leaf
a new bud sprouts from the ground - I love the repetition of "the" for the first 4 lines although unsure why it changed to "a" in the fifth. Taking this line out is an option as changing it to a "the" would have 5 lines of repetition instead of a more natural 4, although this may be trivial to some.
corn is harvested by the bushel
snow accumulates on the mountain tops. - "On the tops of mountains" maybe?
 
The world sees a new baby's face
the parent emits more love than thought possible - This line is a bit janky, try changing it to something like "the love of a parent radiates beyond reason", although maybe use something instead of "reason", like "possibility", or something to that effect.
a kind word gives hope
laughter fills a room
a dog rolls over and kisses its owner - Try using more descriptors in this sentence, similar to the "the wind pushes the branches" line earlier, it's rather blank
 
Coffee drips down into the pot
a breath out
a breath in - Purely personal taste but I believe using "the" instead of "a" will emphasize the mood of the poem for it's last lines.
 
To accrete is to gain
oxygen in a brain
hope through the pain. - These last three lines are very good
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#4
Hi Beck Smile This poem is a mixed bag for me. The title feels cliche and unconnected to the rest of the poem.

Some line notes for you to follow:

(11-10-2016, 04:44 AM)BecktheDog Wrote:  The sun rises just a little bit higher  -- higher than? Higher is a comparative word.
the crimson pink rose petal accretes a drop of dew -- I'd choose one color or the other. This is like saying red pink, which I don't find adds depth to the image, just confusion.
the wind pushes the branches
the ground gains a new leaf
a new bud sprouts from the ground
corn is harvested by the bushel -- I agree with others that the sudden switch to the passive voice is jarring.
snow accumulates on the mountain tops.
 
The world sees a new baby's face
the parent emits more love than thought possible -- who thought? This phrasing is long and awkward.
a kind word gives hope
laughter fills a room
a dog rolls over and kisses its owner
 
Coffee drips down into the pot
a breath out
a breath in
 
To accrete is to gain
oxygen in a brain
hope through the pain.

So, my biggest issue is that there are things listed here which don't illustrate the bringing hope through the pain theme, to my eyes. Specifically, I don't see how the mountains accumulating snow or the wind pushing the branches or getting a cup of coffee bring new hope. I'm not denying that things things can be seen through that lens of new hope, but the connection is not obvious to me. And, honestly, sometimes those surprising examples of a concept are the most interesting (I'm not suggesting dropping them), I would just like to see the connection made more explicitly.

Hope this helps some.

lizziep
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#5
(11-10-2016, 04:44 AM)BecktheDog Wrote:  The sun rises just a little bit higher
the crimson pink rose petal accretes a drop of dew
the wind pushes the branches
the ground gains a new leaf
a new bud sprouts from the ground
corn is harvested by the bushel
snow accumulates on the mountain tops.
 
The world sees a new baby's face
the parent emits more love than thought possible
a kind word gives hope
laughter fills a room
a dog rolls over and kisses its owner
 
Coffee drips down into the pot
a breath out
a breath in
 
To accrete is to gain
oxygen in a brain
hope through the pain.

The give / gain attempted paradox here is weak. The sun rises higher, but that causes the dew to evaporate, not form. The only relevant example that I see in S1 is the accumulation of snow on mountaintops, where the air loses moisture but the ground gains it.
Without a logically consistent theme, and without the cover of a formal poetic structure, this poem reads to me like just a loose bunch of lines. I found 'a dog rolls over and kisses its owner' in particularly, bewildering.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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#6
Edit #2

the sun rises peaking over the hills
the crimson pink rose petal accretes a drop of dew
the wind grasps the branches
the ground gains a new leaf
corn reaped by the bushel
snow accumulates on the mountain tops

the world sees a new baby's face
the parent radiates love
a kind word gives hope
laughter fills a room
a dog rolls over and kisses its owner

Coffee drips into the pot
a breath out
the breath in

To accrete is to gain
oxygen in a brain
hope through the pain.
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#7
The repeat of accrete feels very precious to me, as if the word
were somehow vital to the poems imagery, but if that were so,
you might have explored the meaning of 'growing together' more
adroitly.
Having said this, its a good effort, and worth a few revisions
Stanza 2 is far too saccharine for me though.
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