Longing Edit 1 - eric

[cvanshelton]

Edit - 1

Winter ice sky
Smears stormy clouds
- your shoes sprout dust


clouds spread stormy smear
on winter ice sky
- old shoes sprout dust

[cvanshelton]

Hi cvanshelton,

There’s a heck of a lot to like here.

“[O]ld shoes sprout dust” is perfect! So true, so right. I also really enjoyed the juxtaposition of the shoes and the stormy/icy sky.

In the way of critique, I think there might be too much going on in the first two lines. Perhaps they could be very slightly pruned?

Awesome read

e

Thanks so much, Eric. I think you are right. I've paired it down a little. Hopefully, it works better.

[Lizzie]

Hey, C! ><

I have a couple of thoughts on this.

Edit - 1

Winter ice sky -- not a fan of 'ice sky' because my mouth keeps trying to blend them together as I-sky. I know it's more boring, but I'd prefer the sound of 'icy winter sky.'
Smears stormy clouds -- I'm torn about this one: I like that there's some action going on in the winter sky, especially when winter is usually portrayed as a time of deadness and all things sleepy. Yet, I just don't know if it's the sky that's doing the smearing or the ice...either way, I can't picture it. I think it's the wind that does the smearing, yes? I wish I had gotten that meteorological degree when I had a chance! Maybe:  
                            December wind
                            Smears stormy clouds
                            Old shoes sprout dust

- your shoes sprout dust -- I feel like "old shoes" provided a better image than "your."


clouds spread stormy smear
on winter ice sky
- old shoes sprout dust -- yeah, I like this a lot because you have something old that's doing the sprouting which is a fun pairing, and the fact that it's spouting something kind of dead and musty like dust is lovely too. This line is my favorite of the bunch. It's also a bit whimsical, which is welcome in a poem about ice and storm clouds.

I love all of the ess sounds, and the consistent 4 syllable lines give it a nice cohesion.

Part of me wants there to be one other kind of observation beyond the sky and the shoes because, with a poem of this length, two lines is a lot of space to devote to one element. If it were me, I would try to condense the sky/cloud lines and bring in one other snapshot/detail to give the poem more dimension. You could also just add a line and have it be more of a short poem instead of a haiku.

Great stuff here 

[Lizzie]

Also, I should have mentioned, in these really shorties it's good to use your title to it's maximum potential. So, you could expand on the longing idea -- longing for what, for whom, for another time? Don't be afraid to use your title as another line of your poem.

[cvanshelton]

Thanks so much Lizziep and eric! Your feedback is much appreciated, and I'll keep working at it.