10-27-2010, 12:10 PM
The book starts off with pale and klutzy Bella Swan preparing to go live out in the middle of nowhere with her father for her mother’s sake. Though it was her choice to go in the first place we still have to hear her complain about it. She is going to live with her father Charlie Swan who is clueless on how to be a parent, well apparently her mother is too. She has a typical teenage ‘Everyone hates me I’m so emo’ attitude. She’s self pitying and loves to complain, but she still thinks she is better than everyone else because she knows all the words to Wuthering Heights! During her first day at school she meets a group of nice people and somehow develops a fan club of guys willing to go out with her, but she really doesn’t care for normal people, lacking the social skills to befriend the un-supernatural. But then she meets Edward Cullen. Pale, beautiful and flamboyantly dressed, sitting with a tray f food in front of him and not even eating it. Bella describes him as beautiful with “Straight angular features” and a walk that “Belonged on a runway”. She is instantly attracted to him with one issue: Edward doesn’t seem to like her (Oh and Edward has four siblings, but we don’t want to talk about them!) Edward and Bella become partners in science, except Edward goes out f his way to ignore Bella. Now most girls would have given up, But not Bella! She just needed more reasons to write in her journal and cut herself! Ignoring the fact that quoted by one of the meaningless secondary characters, “The Cullen boy’s don’t like anyone” NONSENSE! Everyone loves Bella! So she sets off, trying to figure out why Edward doesn’t like her. But suddenly, Edward does start paying attention to her! Bella is thrilled! But now she has nothing left to complain about? Oh well. Back to complaining about how people are too nice to her and like her too much! (Damn her intelligence and cute awkwardness!) Edward then realizes that he loved Bella all along, and his feelings of wanting to kill her, was just shock from having feelings for someone who wasn’t a male. In the mean time, Edward saves Bella’s life, twice! Because we know Bella, being a poor defenseless woman, needs all the help she can get. One night Bella is lurking the dark streets alone at night instead of spending time with her willing friends, (Because who needs friends when you can sit alone and read romance novels all day?) and looking for bookstores to buy more Shakespeare books. But then *Gasp* a group of bad strong men corner defenseless clumsy Bella! Bella stands there, helpless knowing if she ran away, she would just trip and fall or something (yet again damn her clumsiness!) But Edward comes to the rescue! Shocked that Bella is on the street alone instead of in the kitchen making him a sandwich, Anyways he rescues her, well, forces her into his car. Ignoring the fact that Edward was probably stalking her, she starts to question him. Edward though demands her to stop, and forces her to talk about something else (Dominance, not abusive! SEXY!) He then being takes Bella to dinner, where the waitress relentlessly flirts with Edward, demonstrating once again how beautiful he is (Because we have to keep being reminded!) He then explains to Bella that he can read peoples minds. That’s not schizophrenic at all! I’d watch out for the red flags there Bella! By this point Bella is deeply in love with his light blank persona, and down right good American looks golden eyes, and chiseled statuesque chest (Did we mention how pretty his eyes were!?!?!?!?!) Anyways a bunch of crap happens,(Most of it involving describing how Edward looks) and then Edward decides to reveal to Bella why he never comes into school on sunny days, because as we all know vampires can’t be seen in the sunlight. But why!? Do they burn? Do they transform? Do they glitter? That’s right folks they glitter, Glitter like a 11 year old girl who wears glitter gel. Now any other guy would gladly take Edwards man-hood card away for glittering, (Vampire or not) but Bella seems to love it. So they lay down in the grass, Bella reminiscing about how hot Edwards sparkles are, and Edward reminiscing about how hot Bella would look if she were a man. Anyway Edward then tells Bella he’s what they call a “Vegetarian vampire” Feasting not on the blood of humans, but of cute cuddly animals, such as deer. Damn! This guy kills more animals then Sarah Palin during a mid-life crisis! Edward then explains why he was ignoring her in the beginning of the book, t was because her blood smelled so good, he couldn’t resist trying to bite her. So now we know why they’re together. Because Edward wants to drink her blood, and Bella likes the way he looks. That’s what I call a healthy relationship! Speaking of healthy relationships, Edward watches Bella when she sleeps. But just to make sure she doesn’t hurt herself somehow, I mean, women are always up to something clumsy! He also watches her when she showers but that’s just because we assume he has never seen a naked female before. Now comes the, “Could have been interesting but the writer screwed it up, Oh well!” part. There are bad vampires after Bella! What’s a girl to do? Rely on her boyfriend? That’s our Bella! So Edward decides they must run from the vampires, and tells Bella to pretend she’s leaving her father and go with him. Instead of being a real parent and chasing after Bella, he just stays home and watches ESPN. Apparently, Bella’s blood smells so good, that all the vampires want a piece of her! Too bad her blood isn’t as plain as her personality, then we would have no problems! Just kidding! Everyone knows she doesn’t have a personality! In the meanwhile, Bella get’s a call from James the head vampire of the bad vampire clan, and pretends he has her mother hostage! Bella goes out to find her and gets totally beaten down by the bad vampire (That was my favorite part!) Until Edward comes to save her, in a vampire fight which in the movie, looked more like foreplay. Of course, Edward saves her, but Bella still has a broken leg from being beat up in the fight. They pass her broken leg off as she just, “Fell down the stairs”. Wait, wait, wait. Her parents believe that? I would have taken that as a abusive boyfriend red flag. But her parents are dumb asses! Anyways, that’s my thoughts on Twilight.
I know it's not in paragraphs. Sorry, I wrote this a while ago with my brother and I actually don't know why it isn't in paragraphs, I guess I just forgot. Anyways, it's my take on the popular teen book twilight, if you can't read it I'll put it in paragraphs.
I know it's not in paragraphs. Sorry, I wrote this a while ago with my brother and I actually don't know why it isn't in paragraphs, I guess I just forgot. Anyways, it's my take on the popular teen book twilight, if you can't read it I'll put it in paragraphs.
