Materialization of a dream

[advocaite]

Is it a fabrication of our awareness?
Is it matter we elect to discern?
Is it befitting the segments we can not recognize?
If I can sense then I can perceive, what does this imply for a man destitute?
What is a dream?

When people choose to ponder beyond the waking dream,
a moment will come where dream is no more,
that moment approaching, yet considerably distant,
lost in the sea of our own self exisitance,
a dream of dreams, a dream of will, a dream to transpire, a dream to our own selves.

I'm not a poet, I'm not a writer,
I am intuition, I am perception, I am concrete,
I relish the time individually all will dream.

[Erthona]

Is it a fabrication of our awareness?
Is it matter we elect to discern?
Is it befitting the segments we can not recognize?
If I can sense then I can perceive, what does this imply for a man destitute?
What is a dream?

When people choosing to ponder beyond the waking dream,
a moment will come where when the dream is no more,
that moment approaching, yet considerably distant, (awkward syntax
though distant, that moment is approaching; semicolon/period)
lost in the sea of our own self exisitance(sic: self-existence),
a dream of dreams, a dream of will, a dream to transpire, a dream to our own selves. (gobbledygook, long winded , says nothing)

I'm not a poet, I'm not a writer,
I am intuition, I am perception, I am concrete,
I relish the time individually all will dream.

(Last part sounds too much like "Shark boy and Lava girl")

____________________________________________________________________________________

Using spell checker is an essential prior to posting. Asking questions (S1) is a rhetorical device not a poetic one; since this is not a speech, long lists of questions should be dropped (it would even be a dubious choice in speechifying).

The idea that life is awaking dream is a well covered idea (see Plato's "Republic" (circa 400 BCE), the "Cave Allegory"), to revisit the idea, something fresh in terms of perspective needs to be brought to the table, this did not occur in this poem. Instead the poem was unfocused and was more about stringing together loosely associated ideas. Certainly this topic could be handled within the framework of a prosy, although difficult, the approach here is much more akin to philosophy when using rhetoric as a device, (see the use of dialogues, or didactic approaches in philosophy). More simply put, poetry is said to show, not to tell. This poem tells.
Of course writing in this style is more or less a rite of passage for most male poets I think, it certainly was for me. Hopefully the writer of this poem will not stay stuck in that phase quite so long as I.  

Welcome to the site,

Best,


dale

[advocaite]

Thanks for feed back it is my first attempt at a poem, I'm sorry for spelling errors i did not finish high school so my vocab and english skill are probably less then desired but I will try harder

My next poem i'll try no questions

at least i have something to look up and read thanks for the incite

[Julius]

Poetry, especially at the amateur level that I certainly am, is quite a personal thing. If writing makes you think then that is a point in its favour IMO. I think starting a poem with questions can do that. Perhaps it is unusual, but it seems to work here.
I like the feeling of the lines:-
"When people choose to ponder beyond the waking dream,
a moment will come where dream is no more,"
Although Erthona makes many valid technical points, I think your poem has heart and feeling. As long as people feel that then your writing will please.

[advocaite]

thanks for that feed back, i too think at this level and sometimes even at high level poetry is very personal well some.
Too me it was more a poem of self, the question asking my self to get me thinking about the rest, and the end having some conviction of my self

[Weeded]

Thats what poetry is, another form of human expression. Something I've learned while being on here is that sometimes tho, the pieces that mean the most to you will mean nothing to others. Its true that on some level the poem needs to be personal, but you also need to think about the intent of your piece, as well as your audience. After reading this piece, im left wondering what the intent is. If it is indeed just a pondering on the title, then I don't think its enough to reach others, imo. Believe me, ive got notebooks full of shitty poems that will never be shared, so I know where you're coming from! That said, i think Erthonas suggestions are an excellent place to start with this one. And i know you said its difficult for you since you didn't graduate from high school, but being a hs drop-out(technically, i got my GED) as well id say that's just an excuse, especially if you have a computer! Its never too late to start learning that which interests you good luck,
mike

[advocaite]

thanks mike i just tried to write my second poem, I feel ill share them all even if they do not pan out to be great, i have issue with delivering a message as most stuff when i right i will not fully understand but somehow its makes sense as it comes out my head, and when i look at it it will make me feel something.

I'm always trying to learn on PC i actually do more programming then i do anything else something that even before school i had a nack for its like my first language compared to English even if English is my spoken language.

hope you all enjoy anything i write at least a little bit