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footsteps filled with tangled memories,
both gleaming and pitch,
tiptoe forward
preparing to span that ice.
windswept teardrops
brimming with kisses tossed upon the currents,
“I love you” inferred
in drawn-out puckers.
a handsome grin,
as if to say
that will hold her for a while.
another new,
never-ending beginning
to be filled with such beautiful shadows,
countless and achingly familiar,
forever dancing in the periphery.
I really love the first three stanzas. I think you did a wonderful job starting with something exciting. You really catch my attention there. In the fourth stanza instead of saying "Preparing to span that ice" I think you could say " Preparing to span the ice. That way I think it reads and sounds better.
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(01-06-2016, 12:40 PM)emyleerose Wrote: I really love the first three stanzas. I think you did a wonderful job starting with something exciting. You really catch my attention there. In the fourth stanza instead of saying "Preparing to span that ice" I think you could say " Preparing to span the ice. That way I think it reads and sounds better.
Emyleerose, I chose to use "that" ice rather than "the" ice in hopes of conveying the cliché, "treading thin ice". Apparently it didn't work. lol I will take your suggestion into consideration. Thank you for reading it and for the feedback.  TB
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Using a cliche isn't necessarily so bad. It's not about being completely original, it's about choosing a metaphor which accurately and completely describes the point you wish to make. Thin ice usually suggest that you are aware it is fragile, which you make a point of with the words "tiptoe forward." On the subject, I think "span that ice" is just as good "span the ice." The choice should reflect your purpose. If I were to think a bit too closely on it, "the ice" does not have location, allowing for a little ambiguity about what the ice is. (Ambiguity is also not bad, it encourages the reader to ask questions). "That ice" does have a location, which suggest that the ice is definitively representative of something specific to the speaker. Just some thing to consider when choosing.
It reminds me of Freezetag an old song from lifetimes ago. There's a lot unsaid, which for me is the fun of a good poem, it leaves room for the reader to imagine a scene. I could envisage both happy and unhappy conclusions.
Well done, exiting,dance like beginning drew me in.
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(01-07-2016, 02:14 PM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: Using a cliche isn't necessarily so bad. It's not about being completely original, it's about choosing a metaphor which accurately and completely describes the point you wish to make. Thin ice usually suggest that you are aware it is fragile, which you make a point of with the words "tiptoe forward." On the subject, I think "span that ice" is just as good "span the ice." The choice should reflect your purpose. If I were to think a bit too closely on it, "the ice" does not have location, allowing for a little ambiguity about what the ice is. (Ambiguity is also not bad, it encourages the reader to ask questions). "That ice" does have a location, which suggest that the ice is definitively representative of something specific to the speaker. Just some thing to consider when choosing.
UselessBlueprint,
Thank you for your read and feedback! You gave me what I needed as far as "that ice". It is something specific to the speaker therefore I will leave it as is. Personally, as far as clichés go, to come across one so often used as "treading thin ice" in the first sentence, just throws me off so I avoid them in the beginning if I can.
The speaker is a mother who is facing her 9th New Year's after the death of her teenaged son. Although she refuses to give up and stay put, she knows from experience now, that moving forward through life with only his spirit and her memories of his life and death, is tough and always filled with times where the sorrow becomes overwhelming again and she falls through the ice and has to pull herself back up and continue on regardless. Thank you again for your feedback! It is very much appreciated. TB
(01-08-2016, 07:39 PM)roggi Wrote: It reminds me of Freezetag an old song from lifetimes ago. There's a lot unsaid, which for me is the fun of a good poem, it leaves room for the reader to imagine a scene. I could envisage both happy and unhappy conclusions.
Well done, exiting,dance like beginning drew me in.
Roggi,
Thank you for reading it and for your feedback! Yes, there is a lot unsaid for exactly the reason you stated. The speaker is a mother who is facing her 9th New Years after the death of her teenaged son. At this point in her journey most of the people in her life (with the exception of very close family and friends) no longer want to hear or think about her loss and they expect her to "have moved on" by now, which will never happen. She understands that there is no way for them to truly understand that, so she keeps her grief to herself as much as she is able, although her mood gives hints from time to time that something is not as it should be.
Thank you again for your feedback. It is much appreciated. TB
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I find the first stanza has a contradiction. Surely footsteps imply noise, but tiptoe implies silence?
Teardrops brimming with kisses also, at least for me, seems strange unless the love implied is unrequited?
Finally, can a beginning be never ending?
Your poem reads nicely and has passion within it so even with my comments it is a pleasure to read.
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