Hey, Lexi

[H[a/o]llowheart]

Did you hear? Freckled boy’s off early
Heading northward, filling new faces with mirth
Back by the thaw with fresh zeal
Impressive, thought it doesn’t interest me

Smoke-braided girl grew! Inky cotton swirling skyward
Seasonal tempest, ebbing closer, farther, closer,
farther still, towards the celestial throne room
But hey, I could have beaten her there

Surely, mouse boy remembers our scavenging days
Dumpster side rendezvous were my favorite! Though
not Redwall troupe’s taste, neither his
That’s fine, I didn’t need him anyway

Who didn’t give the lazing lioness berth?
Bounding through caramel savannas, roaring at whim
She might relish in her pride
But I never feared her


I still envision the black ice man
One night, losing everything, frozen in childhood
Gliding from skyscrapers, guarding peace. I’m sure
I could remake his glossy-page dynasty

You could too, right? The invincible cheetah
who cheated death and outpaced it still
Neither churning waters stained red
nor splintered bone could slow your stride

Astonishing, breath-taking, but I have you beat:
You could never run from your problems half as fast as me

[toinfinity]

I enjoyed this, although I think it could be simplified in some parts. 

A few lines of explanation among the flowery language could go a long way to describing a scene to the reader.

The last two paragraphs instantly filled me with emotion though. 
At the start I'm getting a "reminiscing on good times" feeling, and at the end I get a longing feeling, a want to prove something to someone, and to yourself.
Is this what you were going for? Even if not, I think the way it read was quite profound

Good job!

[Weeded]

Did you hear? Freckled boy’s off early 
My first thought is this is coming from a young girls perspective- perhaps she would have a crush on freckled boy
Heading northward, filling new faces with mirth
When I hear the word mirth I think of laughter, yet when I hear it in this context it sounds like a food dish
Back by the thaw with fresh zeal
The word thaw adds to the idea of food again. you're describing a person's interest?
Impressive, thought it doesn’t interest me

Smoke-braided girl grew! Inky cotton swirling skyward
Seasonal tempest, ebbing closer, farther, closer,
farther still, towards the celestial throne room
But hey, I could have beaten her there

Surely, mouse boy remembers our scavenging days
Is mouse boy the same person as freckled boy or is this someone new?
Dumpster side rendezvous were my favorite! Though
not Redwall troupe’s taste, neither his
That’s fine, I didn’t need him anyway

Who didn’t give the lazing lioness berth?
Bounding through caramel savannas, roaring at whim
She might relish in her pride
But I never feared her


I still envision the black ice man
One night, losing everything, frozen in childhood
Gliding from skyscrapers, guarding peace. I’m sure
I could remake his glossy-page dynasty

You could too, right? The invincible cheetah
who cheated death and outpaced it still
Neither churning waters stained red
nor splintered bone could slow your stride

Astonishing, breath-taking, but I have you beat:
You could never run from your problems half as fast as me

I'm afraid this poem might be over my head or something.. Basically what I got from it is the first stanza describing a human but I'm not even sure if the smoke braided girl or mouse boy are humans either.. I almost catch the feeling of a narrator whose bouncing back and forth between an encyclopedia on animals and a place where they're reading it. You have a very wide vocabulary and you seem to implement your word usage very creatively. A little more direction would make it an easier read, however.

[spherical]

Ah, how enjoyable! I loved reading this! Thank you for sharing.

You write gorgeously. There is at least one typo: "Impressive, [bold]thought[/bold] it doesn’t interest me" - I guess that could be some kind of intentional surrealist addition. I don't know, but I assumed it was a typo.

There are parts where the imagery is a bit lost on me, but it reads so gorgeously anyway, I can't help but enjoy myself.

[ellajam]

Did you hear? Freckled boy’s off early
Heading northward, filling new faces with mirth
Back by the thaw with fresh zeal
Impressive, thought it doesn’t interest me

Smoke-braided girl grew! Inky cotton swirling skyward
Seasonal tempest, ebbing closer, farther, closer,
farther still, towards the celestial throne room
But hey, I could have beaten her there

Surely, mouse boy remembers our scavenging days
Dumpster side rendezvous were my favorite! Though
not Redwall troupe’s taste, neither his
That’s fine, I didn’t need him anyway

Who didn’t give the lazing lioness berth?
Bounding through caramel savannas, roaring at whim
She might relish in her pride
But I never feared her


I still envision the black ice man
One night, losing everything, frozen in childhood
Gliding from skyscrapers, guarding peace. I’m sure
I could remake his glossy-page dynasty

You could too, right? The invincible cheetah
who cheated death and outpaced it still
Neither churning waters stained red
nor splintered bone could slow your stride

Astonishing, breath-taking, but I have you beat:
You could never run from your problems half as fast as me

Hi, welcome to the Pig Pen. While I enjoy the tone and pace of this piece I have been struggling for days to find something that would let me in on what seemed to be a pile of personal references. Today I googled Redwall. Is the poem something people who are familiar with the books would find more understandable, or is it me?

[H[a/o]llowheart]

Thanks so much to everybody that responded!

@ toinfinity: I see...looking back on the poem, it's pretty dense with abstract language and metaphors. I didn't realize how vague it sounded until I read it over again.   You're pretty much correct on your interpretation there. I'm hesitant to post a detailed explanation behind the poem, as I don't want anybody to be spoiled by it. If you want me to I can! 

@ Weeded: I have NO idea where you got the food/encyclopedia ideas from. Not even close to my initial purpose of the writing.   It's really interesting how you saw it that way though. Being more specific would have helped, I suppose. I'm not a logophile or anything, but I do like beautiful and unique words/phrases.   But who doesn't?

@ spherical: I'm glad you enjoyed it! That would in fact be a typo that I hadn't noticed until now...but I like your interpretation better! 

@ ellajam: Well, I don't know too much about Redwall myself. What little I know is that it's a book about anthropomorphized, human-like mice, which contrasts with the "scavenging" and "dumpster-diving" behaviour of the mouse boy and I.  Like I said to toinfinity, if you'd prefer it I can post a detailed explanation behind the poem. You're right though, it's mostly a lot of personal references, so I can see why it'd be hard to understand. I can try to make it more lucid, though that might require a complete overhaul instead of a couple nitpicky changes. I've read that good poetry doesn't need outside explanation, so that's clearly something I need to work on. 

[ellajam]

Thanks so much to everybody that responded!

@ toinfinity: I see...looking back on the poem, it's pretty dense with abstract language and metaphors. I didn't realize how vague it sounded until I read it over again.   You're pretty much correct on your interpretation there. I'm hesitant to post a detailed explanation behind the poem, as I don't want anybody to be spoiled by it. If you want me to I can! 

@ Weeded: I have NO idea where you got the food/encyclopedia ideas from. Not even close to my initial purpose of the writing.   It's really interesting how you saw it that way though. Being more specific would have helped, I suppose. I'm not a logophile or anything, but I do like beautiful and unique words/phrases.   But who doesn't?

@ spherical: I'm glad you enjoyed it! That would in fact be a typo that I hadn't noticed until now...but I like your interpretation better! 

@ ellajam: Well, I don't know too much about Redwall myself. What little I know is that it's a book about anthropomorphized, human-like mice, which contrasts with the "scavenging" and "dumpster-diving" behaviour of the mouse boy and I.  Like I said to toinfinity, if you'd prefer it I can post a detailed explanation behind the poem. You're right though, it's mostly a lot of personal references, so I can see why it'd be hard to understand. I can try to make it more lucid, though that might require a complete overhaul instead of a couple nitpicky changes. I've read that good poetry doesn't need outside explanation, so that's clearly something I need to work on. 

No long detailed explanation, please, the poem needs to do the job. Maybe you can edit to clarify the poem so more readers can understand it. If you need more details on what confused me just say the word.

[Weeded]

Thanks so much to everybody that responded!

@ toinfinity: I see...looking back on the poem, it's pretty dense with abstract language and metaphors. I didn't realize how vague it sounded until I read it over again.   You're pretty much correct on your interpretation there. I'm hesitant to post a detailed explanation behind the poem, as I don't want anybody to be spoiled by it. If you want me to I can! 

@ Weeded: I have NO idea where you got the food/encyclopedia ideas from. Not even close to my initial purpose of the writing.   It's really interesting how you saw it that way though. Being more specific would have helped, I suppose. I'm not a logophile or anything, but I do like beautiful and unique words/phrases.   But who doesn't?

@ spherical: I'm glad you enjoyed it! That would in fact be a typo that I hadn't noticed until now...but I like your interpretation better! 

@ ellajam: Well, I don't know too much about Redwall myself. What little I know is that it's a book about anthropomorphized, human-like mice, which contrasts with the "scavenging" and "dumpster-diving" behaviour of the mouse boy and I.  Like I said to toinfinity, if you'd prefer it I can post a detailed explanation behind the poem. You're right though, it's mostly a lot of personal references, so I can see why it'd be hard to understand. I can try to make it more lucid, though that might require a complete overhaul instead of a couple nitpicky changes. I've read that good poetry doesn't need outside explanation, so that's clearly something I need to work on. 

Well your word usage is DEFINITELY unique/beautiful, just wish I knew what the heck was going on
I think it's certain trigger words for me personally, and trying to establish context 
Nice poem tho 

[H[a/o]llowheart]

[quote='H[a/o]llowheart' pid='197046' dateline='1442532001']
Thanks so much to everybody that responded!

No long detailed explanation, please, the poem needs to do the job. Maybe you can edit to clarify the poem so more readers can understand it. If you need more details on what confused me just say the word.

I'd love it if you would. ^_^

[ellajam]

Did you hear? Freckled boy’s off early
Heading northward, filling new faces with mirth
Back by the thaw with fresh zeal
Impressive, thought it doesn’t interest me
I enjoyed the first three lines and they make sense. I think since you are using some punctuation full punctuation might help, you might consider:
Did you hear? Freckled boy’s off early,
heading northward, filling new faces with mirth
and back by the thaw with fresh zeal.
There's a little tense ambiguity, if he's just heading out how do you know he'll return with fresh zeal, maybe he'll be drained and disillusioned.
I don't understand why his leaving is impressive.


Smoke-braided girl grew! Inky cotton swirling skyward
Seasonal tempest, ebbing closer, farther, closer,
farther still, towards the celestial throne room
But hey, I could have beaten her there
I haven't gotten any where with smoke-braided, I'd love to, it sounds interesting but I can't picture it. I did get it must be a child because she grew, or she is a pregnant woman, will I find out? Nope. Love the second half of the line. I can't get the point of "ebbing" and all the farther closer, what seasonal tempest? Moving toward the celestial throne sounds like death to me or ecstasy, must mean something but I've got no hints. Could you have beaten her there, are you just showing off? Heelllpp

Surely, mouse boy remembers our scavenging days
Dumpster side rendezvous were my favorite! Though
not Redwall troupe’s taste, neither his
That’s fine, I didn’t need him anyway
Nice first two lines, ooh, a story, then how should I know about Redwall's taste and why does it matter. Is the "neither his" pertaining to mouse boy and the he you don't need mouse boy? I think Redwall has confused me, but I like the sense of bravado in the last line after the intimacy of the first two.

Who didn’t give the lazing lioness berth?
Bounding through caramel savannas, roaring at whim
She might relish in her pride
But I never feared her
Now you have switched to capitalizing each line, it seems like the start of a different poem, but it makes sense. Lazing lioness and caramel savannas are lovely even though I don't know how I got here from the place with the thaw.

I still envision the black ice man
One night, losing everything, frozen in childhood
Gliding from skyscrapers, guarding peace. I’m sure
I could remake his glossy-page dynasty
Black ice man confused me, black skinned ice deliver? black ice, man as exclamation? Superhero Black Ice Man? I chose door number two.  Now I'm both skidding on black ice and diving off the building, double dead but guarding peace. Ok, I'll stop now.

You could too, right? The invincible cheetah
who cheated death and outpaced it still
Neither churning waters stained red
nor splintered bone could slow your stride

Astonishing, breath-taking, but I have you beat:
You could never run from your problems half as fast as me

I hope this helps.   I don't think you should at all be discouraged, if you know what your point is just try to get it across. I think the end is clearer, I'm happy not to line by line it and find out otherwise.  

I don't know whether or not you've edited before, but it's one of my favorite pastimes, hope you enjoy it too.