22-06-15

[Magpie]

looking for the moon
i found myself
lost in the forest

[ChristopherSea]

Mark, Good use of the 'moon' as both a guide and distraction. I really like the line break after 'myself,'
the word play that you make with 'find myself/lost' is superb.

No suggestions, but I had to admire the work./Chris

[rayheinrich]

Yes, good poem, especially it's multiplicity.

Leave out the "-" altogether; the pivot point doesn't come at the end of either
the first or the second line, this haiku's pivot is the whole second line.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello revelation-
I love short form pieces and I like tis one in particular.
I'm not sure you need the "-" in L.1.
The line break from L.2 to L.3 is perfect, and it's a necessary touch in a poem this short.
I'm OK (ok?) with "i" not being capitalized in L.2 as it helps diminish the importance of YOU (you), which fits well with "lost" in L.3.
Since I'm always looking to the night sky, too, I can relate easily to this poem.
I'll go as far as to say that I view the "lost" in L.3 as a good thing, like being lost in thought or lost in a good book. I should lose myself more often.
I get a whole lot out of a little. And if I'm reading more into this than you intended, then good! That said, the only thing I'd suggest changing is losing the "-" in L.1.
Thanks!
... Mark

[rayheinrich]

Since written Japanese doesn't have cases, it has become
traditional for English haiku writers to use only lower case;
a gesture of respect to our form's creators (which is only fair as
English haiku is profoundly disrespectful on every other count).

[just mercedes]

I really like the way I can move the lines around, and put emphasis on different parts of your 'ku.

[Mark A Becker]

Revelation again,

I usually don't comment on comments, but I appreciate what mercedes said. I, too, find it interesting that I can move the line breaks around to achieve different effects. That is one sign of a well crafted piece.

I don't think it's possible to do that with longer poems. And that's another reason I'm such a big fan of the short forms: they almost always show me more, with less.

... Mark

[Magpie]

Mark, Good use of the 'moon' as both a guide and distraction. I really like the line break after 'myself,'
the word play that you make with 'find myself/lost' is superb.

No suggestions, but I had to admire the work./Chris

Thanks Chris, this is originally from when I used to use 5-7-5 syllable structure, (I actually think the original is in this forum) but I went back and trimmed it and changed the first line which originally was 'enticed by the dawn'. Thanks for the comments, much appreciated,

Mark

Yes, good poem, especially it's multiplicity.

Leave out the "-" altogether; the pivot point doesn't come at the end of either
the first or the second line, this haiku's pivot is the whole second line.

Thanks Ray, that makes sense about the pivot being the second line, I struggle sometimes with the "-" and where it needs to go or even if it is needed. The idea of a 'pivot' makes it a little easier to comprehend, don't think I've heard it called that before.

Cheers for reading,
Mark

Hello revelation-
I love short form pieces and I like tis one in particular.
I'm not sure you need the "-" in L.1.
The line break from L.2 to L.3 is perfect, and it's a necessary touch in a poem this short.
I'm OK (ok?) with "i" not being capitalized in L.2 as it helps diminish the importance of YOU (you), which fits well with "lost" in L.3.
Since I'm always looking to the night sky, too, I can relate easily to this poem.
I'll go as far as to say that I view the "lost" in L.3 as a good thing, like being lost in thought or lost in a good book. I should lose myself more often.
I get a whole lot out of a little. And if I'm reading more into this than you intended, then good! That said, the only thing I'd suggest changing is losing the "-" in L.1.
Thanks!
... Mark

Hi 'namesake', thanks for your comments, you are indeed right about the "-" and I will remove it.
I see the way that you processed the lack of capitalisation for "i" and although it does work it that sense and is also something I have used in other poems, I did it here because that is the way I have come to write haiku-esque poems due to what I've learnt from being on this site (Ray sums it up better in his second post above)
Also, the "lost" is definitely a good thing and intentional.
Cheers for reading,

Mark

I really like the way I can move the lines around, and put emphasis on different parts of your 'ku.

Thanks, I shuffled it a few times myself before I finally decided which I thought worked best,
Thanks for reading,

Mark

[rayheinrich]

Yes, good poem, especially it's multiplicity.
Leave out the "-" altogether; the pivot point doesn't come at the end of either
the first or the second line, this haiku's pivot is the whole second line.

Thanks Ray, that makes sense about the pivot being the second line, I struggle sometimes with the "-" and where it needs to go or even if it is needed. The idea of a 'pivot' makes it a little easier to comprehend, don't think I've heard it called that before.

Haiku pivots usually come at the end of the first or second line, but haiku can
pivot on a word or a second line as well.

famous second line pivot example:

snow falls
on the temple roof
a cat's footprints

not as famous an example:

herons flying
through the mist
a full moon


I LOVE line pivots!  
Ray