6-7-15

[Tiger the Lion]

Edit (srijantje, AR)

june is jealous
spring
bored into summer


Original

June is jealous;
spring, bored into summer—
hissing.

[billy]

i like the violence of the heat in this one.

[RiverNotch]

i like this one, though i don't really see how the hissing fits in.

[srijantje]

just the first 2 lines would do fine in my opinion

---

june is jealous
spring
bored into summer

[Tiger the Lion]

just the first 2 lines would do fine in my opinion

---

june is jealous
spring
bored into summer

I think you are exactly right SJ. "Hissing" may have been an indulgence. Thanks! 

[Magpie]

Paul,

Excellent observation from srijantje and all credit to you for going with it. Might I also add that you could lose all the punctuation the way that it is now whereas in the original I understand that because you had to use the comma after spring then naturally the whole piece needed punctuating. It's not a big thing, just a thought. Great piece.

You know that there may be some who will wonder about who June is and why she is jealous, but hopefully not on this site 

Cheers for the read,

Mark

[Todd]

I like the play on words with "bored" here. It's clever.

[Tiger the Lion]

Mark, thanks. You are correct that the punctuation is no longer needed. (changed).

Todd, I was asking a lot from the word "bored" haha. I had it almost enjambed as "spring/bored" on a single line - but also both meanings of bored worked. A little too much going on for a 'ku.

June only gets to be summer for 10 days or so and sometimes she can be quite bold letting us know she's ready.

Thanks everyone, I think it's better now.
Paul