closed lids

[billy]

Closed lids

It darkens when you leave the room; in me,

and though the sun's light beams through latticed blind,
I feel a colder singularity,
that's limp and lays impotent in my mind.
The bottom sheet lays on the hardwood floor;
it holds the tears that no one saw me shed.
I sleep with one eye  looking at the door.
and hope you'd  knock but no, the door is dead.

It's hard to resurrect and shine like spring
when strings lay cut and all one's guilt ebbs out.
When one is lost and can no longer bring
a friendship to the fore, except in doubt.
It's then she knocks, unlocks to sidle in
and drag me back; her warmth destroys my sin.

[Leah S.]

Closed lids
It darkens when you leave the room; in me, The syntax produces "leave in me" instead of the intended "darkens in me." Inversion is the culprit I believe.
and though the sun's light beams through latticed blind,
I feel a colder singularity, Refer back to first line: the forced rhyme produces a doggerel-ish pronunciation of 'singularity.'
that's limp and lays impotent in my mind. Lies. (It lies; I lay it.)
The bottom sheet lays on the hardwood floor; Ditto. The problem arises because the formation of the past tense is peculiar. Lay requires both a subject and an object, so it would be correct to say "I lay the sheet on the floor." But if there is no object then the sheet lies down all by itself.
it holds the tears that no one saw me shed.
I sleep with one eye  looking at the door.
and hope you'd  knock but no, the door is dead.
It's hard to resurrect and shine like spring
when strings lay cut and all one's guilt ebbs out. Lie. At least you are consistent. Strings of what? the metaphor is obscure (possibly a puppet, but it only comes to mind because it's a cliché) and therefore surreal. (Leaking strings?)
When one is lost and can no longer bring
a friendship to the fore, except in doubt. Nice line.
It's then she knocks, unlocks to sidle in
and drag me back; her warmth destroys my sin. Drag you back from where? You lay on the floor on the bottom sheet the last I heard, although how you got there is left for the reader's speculation.

I hate to do this to you, but......Chart:
Infinitive    Definition         Present    Past    Past Participle    Present Participle
to lay      to put or place     lay(s)      laid     laid                  laying
something down
to lie     to rest or recline    lie(s)       lay      lain                  lying

[tectak]

Closed lids

It darkens when you leave the room; in me,When you leave the room I sense a darkness fall in me,

and though the sun's light beams through latticed blind, and though the sun shines through my latticed blind
I feel a colder singularity,
that's limp and lays impotent in my mind. lies impotent on
The bottom sheet lays on the hardwood floor; lies on
it holds the tears that no one saw me shed.
I sleep with one eye  looking at the door.
and hope you'd  knock but no, the door is dead. "...looking at the door and hoped you'd knock: but no, the door is dead."   These are tidying up issues, billy, and they are subjective. Use or lose

It's hard to resurrect and shine like spring
when strings lay cut and all one's guilt ebbs out. Great but "cut strings" and "ebbing out" are not compatible. How about "when sutures snap and all one's guilt ebbs out" Just a thought.
When one is lost and can no longer bring
a friendship to the fore, except in doubt.
It's then she knocks, unlocks to sidle in
and drag me back; her warmth destroys my sin.

My god, it is good! My nits are grammatical. Simplicity of intent works for me. All my suggestions are just suggestions...have I got your mood?
Best,
tectak

[Municipal Alchemist]

Closed lids

It darkens when you leave the room; in me,

and though the sun's light beams through latticed blind, I think you're going for a double meaning in "light," but this part totally destroys the meter for me (light is stressed and should be unstressed, "sun's" is a heavy word). I think that can be useful for emphasis, but it's too much here imo
I feel a colder singularity, Maybe no comma?
that's limp and lays impotent in my mind. the stresses are switched around in "impotent"
The bottom sheet lays on the hardwood floor;
it holds the tears that no one saw me shed. this line feels a little cliche, but i do like the image
I sleep with one eye  looking at the door, period changed to comma
and hope you'd  knock, but no, the door is dead. comma added

It's hard to resurrect and shine like spring Not sure that resurrect fits here, what is being resurrected?
when strings lay cut and all one's guilt ebbs out. I'd prefer "flow" to "ebb"
When one is lost and can no longer bring
a friendship to the fore, except in doubt, period changed to comma
It's then she knocks, unlocks to sidle in I love "sidle"! great word choice
and drag me back; her warmth destroys my sin.

I love formal poetry, and I especially like somber sonnets like this, where the content disrupts our expectations from the form. It feels a little rough; the meter is off in places, and a couple rhymes feel sort of forced, like "bring" with "spring," and "sin" with "in." When I was reading, the tone sounded like you really want the words to flow along the iambs, so I'd be really hesitant to disrupt the meter unless the moment is really important. I'd even opt for slant rhymes over awkward meter, it feels like the most effective poetic device here.

Content wise, I really enjoy the contrasts of presence and absence, and relating it to warmth and coldness. It's a terrific theme, and I think you're really focusing in on a powerful poem. It feels like there are undertones of sadness even beyond the (implied) lover's absence, and I think that could be brought out even more. "Sin" at the end feels like its referencing something that isn't quite mentioned previous, so as the last line of the heroic couplet, it feels out of place, which is probably why it feels like a forced rhyme to me. What did the speaker do that is erased so easily by this lover? Though I do like a little mystery there so don't give too much away! (sorry about the contradictory advice, but something to think about).

Great start though! I'm excited to see where this goes!

[billy]

thanks for the feedback guys. i wonder if impotent is one of those words which are read differently over the pond, i will take everything that was said into consideration when i edit.

as for hating to do stuff to me,.. i do love a good chart. i never get lay lie right and probably never will. the liays will be changed of course.
i want to keep the poem as is in the main but you all gave me food for thought. the punctuation is welcomed and will be followed [i try to do good punctuation but sadly it's something i can't always get to grips with.]. will look at the forced rhyme and the cliche that's in there. thanks again

[Rederex]

i approved this post because it is reasonable feedback.
however; in serious we hope to get a more in depth kind of critique. for a while try your hand in the novice or mild where a little goes a long way./mod
Dear Billy,
It was a loverly read. Not sure if it was intentional but the last staza has me (a reader) pleasantly perplexed, or unsure. I had the feeling he (or she ) was not going to be able to return to a relationship (some wrong doing)...yet the last line "destroy my sin" says the opposite (she forgives). If this is correct there is no problem with ambiguity, if not, consider changing the implied forgiveness of sin.

[billy]

yes, it's about forgiveness and 2nd chances, thanks for the feedback

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

Let me give you some comments on your poem.

Closed lids

It darkens when you leave the room; in me,--So, we have the speaker feeling an emotional coldness, a lack of effect like moving down an internal dimming switch.
and though the sun's light beams through latticed blind,--I like your alliteration here l-b-l-b. It has a pleasing sound to it. 
I feel a colder singularity,--Singularity is a fantastic word choice. Dimmer switch becomes black hole.
that's limp and lays impotent in my mind.--This feels too weak to sit with the imagery. Limp and impotent have their own sexual suggestions but it just feels like a cold singularity would lead to a different outcome. It doesn't sound bad. This is more of a content cause effect thing I'm getting at.
The bottom sheet lays on the hardwood floor;
it holds the tears that no one saw me shed.--Going to tears in this way just gives a throw away sense of melodrama. I'd consider looking for a substitute that is more interesting.
I sleep with one eye  looking at the door.
and hope you'd  knock but no, the door is dead.--The door is dead is a cool idea.

It's hard to resurrect and shine like spring
when strings lay cut and all one's guilt ebbs out.--This line feels totally out of place. If you had everything moving toward darkness above. I think you need to continue with that focus. Moving to puppet imagery isn't effective. I also am not a fan of this shift to "one" it feels impersonal.
When one is lost and can no longer bring
a friendship to the fore, except in doubt.--This seems more than a friendship. It feels like it needs another word choice.
It's then she knocks, unlocks to sidle in--I like sidle
and drag me back; her warmth destroys my sin.--Again sin is a little vague and abstract. Warmth is an element of light so you could develop that. It feels like she needs to bring up the lights.


I'm mixed billy. The poem sounds pretty good as it is. I think the issue that you need to consider working on though is to develop the imagery more and let the content flow from that. It would probably make for a more satisfying, complete read of the poem.

Best,

Todd

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Billy-

I didn't recognize the Italian sonnet until the second time through, as the empty second line nearly threw me off.

That said, I like the empty second line and the octave still stands.

I'm not a fan of " ...latticed blind", and it seems a bit forced in there to keep the rhyme scheme intact.

In all, the octave works much better for me than the sestet, and it's supposed to be the other way around, isn't it? Shouldn't the octave work as the set-up to the sestet? The last six pull me toward that sentimental feeling that readers like me usually have trouble with.

The octave just has more concrete to get ahold of: sheets, hardwood floors, and dead doors. Especially "dead doors"-- the whole poem is built (for me) around that one simple image. A couple more images like that in the sestet would really sell me on this one.

Her warmth destroying your sin is not that image, and that ending nearly had me asking for a refund. I react much differently to a line like that than I did when I was much younger. My heart, and subsequently, my eyes, have hardened with age, I suppose.

Still, I saw something (good) that wanted me to spend time commenting on this one. Otherwise, I wouldn't have.

Thanks,
... Mark

[billy]

okay guys, great feedback and mucho thanko. will decide how to use it in an edit on monday
thanks for the insights todd big help.

[milo]

Closed lids

It darkens when you leave the room; in me,

"in me" is both superfluous and awkward.

and though the sun's light beams through latticed blind,

I don't think you need "sun's" here.  Also, isn't "blind" usually plural?  It reads weird as singular.

Anyway - "and though the light beams through the latticed blind"  would fix both problems and your meter to boot.

I feel a colder singularity,
that's limp and lays impotent in my mind.

This line needs to be re-thought completely.  First, it has too much tautological modification.  Pretty much, you have an abstraction (singularity) being described as cold, limp and laying impotently.

The bottom sheet lays on the hardwood floor;
it holds the tears that no one saw me shed.

"tears that no one saw me shed" is either cliche or twee.

I sleep with one eye  looking at the door.
and hope you'd  knock but no, the door is dead.

"you'd" should be either "you'll" or "you".  Other than that, this line is excellent.  If there was nothing else in the poem it would be worth it for this.

It's hard to resurrect and shine like spring
when strings lay cut and all one's guilt ebbs out.
When one is lost and can no longer bring
a friendship to the fore, except in doubt.
It's then she knocks, unlocks to sidle in
and drag me back; her warmth destroys my sin.

The sestet is filled with abstraction, cliche, too many pronouns and a general flabbiness.

Lines like "It's hard to resurrect" are actually grammatically incorrect as you need a direct object.  That you need to tack "shine" on to it shows you are picking the incorrect verb here.  "shine like Spring" feel tired before it can walk.

Thanks for posting.

Good luck.

[billy]

food for thought milo, thanks for the time spent on the feedback. it's looking like i have to do a major edit.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Billy-

Hopefully there will be a revision soon, as I read the other crits, and I think that there are some very useful suggestions. I especially like the ending with the lights being turned up. Of course, you'll need to retain the sonnet form, but I see it as very doable, and I am looking forward to the REV.

... Mark