Ms. Kathleen

[MrTurnipHead]

Hey all I'm pretty new here and this is my first submission. Please be honest and don't be afraid to use some terminology(I want to learn these things)

Also there is some profanity and I'm not quite sure how to tag that!

"Ms. Kat'leen! Time for your medicine ! Come own na!"
"Don't interrupt me! Don't fool me"
Her New England accent pointed her words
punctuating the southern speech

She stood, hands held behind her
Debating with President Obama
over foreign policy and last week's Cuban Missile Crisis

Obama's white suit, stoic self, and straight spine,
which held this "home" up since the 70's,
Her white gown, and slippers smelled
of some word ending in "-form"

Two of security guards, Fuck their names,
flexed into the room
a living room with no life
Only heavy breathing
a droned buzz

They pulled her to the shrink's office
I wonder what she saw
Two secret service members
Escorting her to lunch?
Having Lima Beans that give her strength?
She probably had no trouble swallowing them in her youth.

I tried to do something with alliteration, with the repetition of "s", which just seemed to come naturally when writing this(I didn't realize I had done this until after I wrote it) I just wrote in free verse too

Thanks!

[milo]

Hey all I'm pretty new here and this is my first submission. Please be honest and don't be afraid to use some terminology(I want to learn these things)

Also there is some profanity and I'm not quite sure how to tag that!

"Ms. Kat'leen! Time for your medicine ! Come own na!"
"Don't interrupt me! Don't fool me"
Her New England accent pointed her words
punctuating the southern speech

She stood, hands held behind her
Debating with President Obama
over foreign policy and last week's Cuban Missile Crisis

Obama's white suit, stoic self, and straight spine,
which held this "home" up since the 70's,
Her white gown, and slippers smelled
of some word ending in "-form"

Two of security guards, Fuck their names,
flexed into the room
a living room with no life
Only heavy breathing
a droned buzz

They pulled her to the shrink's office
I wonder what she saw
Two secret service members
Escorting her to lunch?
Having Lima Beans that give her strength?
She probably had no trouble swallowing them in her youth.

I tried to do something with alliteration, with the repetition of "s", which just seemed to come naturally when writing this(I didn't realize I had done this until after I wrote it) I just wrote in free verse too

Thanks!

Hello and welcome to the pigpen.  For me, this does not read as very poetic.  Look what happens if we give it standard line breaks:

"Ms. Kat'leen! Time for your medicine ! Come own na!"

"Don't interrupt me! Don't fool me"
Her New England accent pointed her words punctuating the southern speech. She stood, hands held behind her debating with President Obama over foreign policy and last week's Cuban Missile Crisis Obama's white suit, stoic self, and straight spine, which held this "home" up since the 70's, Her white gown, and slippers smelled of some word ending in "-form" Two of security guards, Fuck their names, flexed into the room a living room with no life Only heavy breathing a droned buzz They pulled her to the shrink's office I wonder what she saw Two secret service members Escorting her to lunch? Having Lima Beans that give her strength? She probably had no trouble swallowing them in her youth. 


Reading it like this also accent that there are some problems with punctuation and grammar.


Thanks for posting.

[MrTurnipHead]

Thank you. I appreciate the feedback. I'm still having trouble writing poetically I guess haha

[Erthona]

Please feel free to ignore everything between the lines as this is too much critique for novice and probably much to harsh, especially as this is your first post.

Not really sure why you put your poem in quotes. In the future I would suggest not doing so.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm assuming this is referring to John F. Kennedy's sister. The attempted use of a southern dialect does not work. I have been through the south on numerous occasions and that is not how I would think one would write "now". Although to write one word of dialect is a pointless exercise. If one must must juxtapose the two dialects a simple device is warranted, such as "their slower southern speech contrasted to her crisp sharp New England accent, belied the sharpness in their minds and the slowness in hers." That is, work it in as part of the story, make it meaningful, rather than simply gratuitous.
This line is downright silly,

"Her white gown, and slippers smelled
of some word ending in "-form""

What is the purpose of this guessing game with the reader, how does this improve the poem. All it seems is an attempt to make the writer look clever and even in that it fails.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I just wrote in free verse too" "No verse is truly free." All verse must have some kind of rhythmic quality, what would you say is that here?

As to alliteration: it seems a tad heavy handed, but I would let it pass as it did not unduly catch my eye on the first read through.

Welcome to the site,

Dale

[MrTurnipHead]

Thank you I definitely read everything between the lines, and I really appreciate the critique! I'm glad it's harsh haha.
I live in the South and I tried to express the dialect the best way. Obviously it failed haha
I was admitted to a mental hospital by mistake(long, but hilarious story), and the poem is based around one .of the patients. I didn't really want to explain that because I figured I'd let the poem tell it, and it obviously wasn't clear enough haha.
As for the rhythmic quality, I'm not too sure. It seems different in sections...

[billy]

hi tp, we've no problem with swearing etc, if it's on every line add a nsfw or something similar to it. this ones okay

the good thing about is the originality. wasn't keen on the language which seemed arbitrary.
i sort of get the mad woman thing, from the white suit and obama, and shrink's office. for me it read more as prose.
the last stanza also had a strong explanation of the core of the poem. but as stated by another; it doesn't read as poetic.

a suggestion would be to do some minor edits and remove alter some straightness of the narration;

Her New England accent pointed her words
punctuating the southern speech

new england painted her words
punctuating southern speech

i think it has the making of something good. i'd also suggest more use of poetic device. assonance, consonance, alliteration, for sound and metaphor/ simile for imagery. in what ever order or quantity brings out the best of the poem.

welcome to the site

Hey all I'm pretty new here and this is my first submission. Please be honest and don't be afraid to use some terminology(I want to learn these things)

Also there is some profanity and I'm not quite sure how to tag that!

"Ms. Kat'leen! Time for your medicine ! Come own na!"
"Don't interrupt me! Don't fool me"
Her New England accent pointed her words
punctuating the southern speech

She stood, hands held behind her
Debating with President Obama
over foreign policy and last week's Cuban Missile Crisis

Obama's white suit, stoic self, and straight spine,
which held this "home" up since the 70's,
Her white gown, and slippers smelled
of some word ending in "-form"

Two of security guards, Fuck their names,
flexed into the room
a living room with no life
Only heavy breathing
a droned buzz

They pulled her to the shrink's office
I wonder what she saw
Two secret service members
Escorting her to lunch?
Having Lima Beans that give her strength?
She probably had no trouble swallowing them in her youth.

I tried to do something with alliteration, with the repetition of "s", which just seemed to come naturally when writing this(I didn't realize I had done this until after I wrote it) I just wrote in free verse too

Thanks!

[MrTurnipHead]

Thank you, Billy! I really appreciate the critique!
I've been seeing a lot of uses of arbitrary language pointed out in some of the comments in the Novice forum. I was wondering if you could give me some suggestions or rather elaborate on this?

[billy]

you start straight off in dialect for the first two lines and that's iit
the dialect isn't enough to set the tone of the area or era.  it adds little or nothing to the piece. [the title does a lot better job at it] for me it would have been better if the dialect was threaded throughout the poem or left out completely.

"Don't interrupt me! Don't fool me"

could have been almost any older black woman from almost any area

Her New England accent pointed her words
punctuating the southern speech

while something along the lines above do a great job of placement, all this is my take on it, which doesn't mean it's so.

Thank you, Billy! I really appreciate the critique!
I've been seeing a lot of uses of arbitrary language pointed out in some of the comments in the Novice forum. I was wondering if you could give me some suggestions or rather elaborate on this?

[MrTurnipHead]

Ah! I see. Thank you for elaborating!

[Stalwart]

I think a few people have said this: It doesn't read very poetically. I have the same problem myself, as a very novice poet. But that's why we're here, right? To learn from people who know what we're doing.

As fiction prose writer myself, your narrative confuses me a little. What's the point? What exactly are you trying to say and accomplish with this poem? What's the meaning behind it?

I assume it's about a crazy lady in an asylum. The political pictures were an interesting addition. I think they could have been a little better executed though. I had to read it through twice to understand it wasn't actually about politics. (or was it and I'm just stupid?)

Overall, don't let all the critique get you down! You have something interesting here in Ms. Kathleen, the crazy lady debating with President Obama in the white suit. Perhaps you should focus more on your word pictures and analogies, and on the imagery that's driving the poem. Make each choice in wording willfully rather than randomly, to support the narrative.