Osprey

[Deadrise]

Rev 1

Osprey
sailing aloft
captured my heart.

------------------------------------------------------------

Blue, Osprey above
Green shoots, bronze haze, harvest moon
Grey, come back my Love

[Magpie]

Hi, this seems very cluttered and somewhat disjointed as regards the several the images and I'm finding it quite difficult to get anything solid from it.
I know that you haven't called it a haiku so I won't critique it as such but I notice that you have used the 5-7-5 structure that many people use when writing haiku. It is the common belief now that 17 syllables is about 7 syllables too long when writing these 'ku' and I think that in some ways your 'ku' has suffered from the need to include those extra 7 or so syllables.
If you were to use just one image, like a snapshot of a moment in time and then work around that. Whereas yours is difficult to know if it is a few images from different periods in time. Also with yours it is difficult to know whether each new line is separate or if the image continues from the previous line, for example, is the harvest moon grey and is the osprey flying above green shoots.
I do like the image of the osprey and I also like the harvest moon and although I hesitate to offer any suggestions for fear that I may misinterpret the meaning or intention of your poem; a possible idea could be something like.

osprey
rising above -
a harvest moon

This is not my suggestion of how your poem should read but rather a way of combining a couple of your images into one compact snapshot.
I know that this is only the short poetry forum so apologies for going on quite a bit. Hope this is of some use.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Deadrise]

ambrosial revelation,

Thank you for the feedback. I am just starting out and have a lot to learn. I was not aware of the 10 syllable count in the Haiku.
Is there a line structure that needs to be followed (number of lines and or syllables per line) ?

Based on your information I reworked and came up with this:

Osprey
sailing aloft
captured my heart

Nice avatar,
John

[Magpie]

ambrosial revelation,

Thank you for the feedback. I am just starting out and have a lot to learn. I was not aware of the 10 syllable count in the Haiku.
Is there a line structure that needs to be followed (number of lines and or syllables per line) ?

Based on your information I reworked and came up with this:

Osprey
sailing aloft
captured my heart

Nice avatar,
John

Hi John,

First of all good job on the edit, it is much more compact and I'm able to see the image straight away. The word 'aloft' seems redundant as it is implied anyway but then to remove that would make 'sailing' look odd on its own when referring to something that is flying, although these are only minor issues. Good on you for rewriting it as well, you've got the right attitude and you're in the right place here for developing.

As regards Haiku, it doesn't have to be specifically 10 syllables as such, that is more of a rough guide to help with the overall length. I know that a lot of people are hooked into writing the 5-7-5 structure but that comes from years ago when people who first started translating Haiku into English. In Japanese they use what are called 'on' sometimes know as 'onji' but they are distinct sounds and different from what we call syllables, therefore the trend for 5-7-5 syllable structure tends to lead to a piece that is too long. Some people like to view haiku as 'one breath' poetry and this is probably the best guide as to how long they should be, which is roughly around 10 syllables. But it's probably best to write them more with the 'one breath' in mind than any syllable count. As far as lines go, most of the time they are three lines but there are some that are two lines and some that are one, though again I would say it is probably best to write them more with the idea of 'one breath', a single snapshot and what people refer to as the 'aha' moment.

Here's a link to a pdf called haiku enlightenment which I think explains it excellently
http://www.cambridgescholars.com/download/sample/59001

Once again, well done on the rewrite,

Mark

[Erthona]

Personally I like the "Blue" it gives it color Seriously though, it does. I have no idea what a blue osprey is, but I like the image it conveys.

"sailing" seems redundant.

"captured my heart" Seems a bit trite (although I don't know how it could be more trite). I have no idea what to replace it with and probably wouldn't tell you if I did, but that simply will not do. I like the overall concept of the poem, but there seem to be major revision needed, especially as regards that last line. Then again I'm not that big of a fan of these pseudo-haiku poems, or haiku, so take what I say wearily (aka "with a grain of salt").

dale

[Deadrise]

Hello Mark,

Thank you for the feedback and the pdf link, I will be reviewing the information today.

Take care,
John

---

Hello Dale,

Thank you for taking the feedback.

Personally I like the "Blue" it gives it color  Seriously though, it does. I have no idea what a blue osprey is, but I like the image it conveys.

"sailing" seems redundant.

"captured my heart"  Seems a bit trite I agree (although I don't know how it could be more trite) Stole . I have no idea what to replace it with and probably wouldn't tell you if I did, but that simply will not do. I like the overall concept of the poem, but there seem to be major revision needed, especially as regards that last line. Then again I'm not that big of a fan of these pseudo-haiku poems, or haiku, so take what I say wearily (aka "with a grain of salt"). I appreciate your opinion.

Take care,
John

[toxic.]

This feels like it is lamentation of winter or maybe fall (that's just the vibe it gives me...)
Due to my super novice statue, I think the only advice I am qualified to give you is to keep clarity in mind.
I really enjoy the progression of nouns in the second line, but the comma's and the degree ofseparation of ideas creates a lack of cohesion in my opinion.
Please, take this with a grain of salt.

[Deadrise]

Hello Toxic,

This feels like it is lamentation of winter or maybe fall (that's just the vibe it gives me...)

Here in VA the first Osprey sight (usually in early March) marks the end of winters grip and is a most accurate predictor of warmer weather. I feel reborn and even emotional when I see the first one. I usually hear the peep, peep peep for a day or two before I finally see one.

Soon they will be grabbing sticks out of the yard and flying through the trees snatching dead branches for their nests. Before long their great nests will be filled with bobble headed chicks and their parents will be busy feeding and protecting them. Its amazing to watch the parents sortie out to repel marauding Eagles, the aerial dogfights are breathtaking especially when the eagles invert in flight to bring their talons into play.

As Fall draws near their numbers slowly decline until one day you realize that you haven't heard or seen one in a few days and then you realize they wont be back until Spring, an equally emotional experience. (I miss them and I am not much of a fan of winter)

Today is the first day in three weeks that the creek hasn't been frozen over.....I could be any day now  


Due to my super novice statue, I think the only advice I am qualified to give you is to keep clarity in mind.
I really enjoy the progression of nouns in the second line, but the comma's and the degree ofseparation of ideas creates a lack of cohesion in my opinion.
Please, take this with a grain of salt. Great feedback thank you.

Take care,
John

[bena]

We aren't too far from each other! This morning the male wild turkeys in my yard were displaying for the first time, so the osprey should be arriving any moment!

I agree with ambrosia about keeping the ku-ish poem to a minimum of syllables, and what helps me to do this is after I've written one, I look for words that simply don't add anything---it's surprising sometimes the impact you can make with less.

while I do like the addition of the color scheme in the 2nd part, it does muddy the field as far clarity for me. Plus there's that nagging thought that osprey aren't doing much flying when the moon is out...I know you are hinting at it being fall, but how else can you capture that in a snapshot without the osprey being out of place? dunno.

I have been totally unhelpful wooo! My job is done.

mel.

[Leah S.]

Rev 1

Osprey
sailing aloft
captured my heart.

------------------------------------------------------------

Blue, Osprey above
Green shoots, bronze haze, harvest moon
Grey, come back my Love

Your revision produced a very nice haiku, although I suggest a different verb than "captured." I thought of "snags."