From this hill I can see
Boundless fields stretching till eternity
Surround me does this sea
Full of naught but opportunity
Motionless I yield my plea
Tis but a whisper yet its sound
Is heard for many miles around
I look upon this my tormentor, round
Why does time whose idle hands doth seem bound.
Confront me so, upon this holy ground.
Im still working on the rest its about work taking too long to let me go home
Also im lookin to do a romantic poem. Any advice on meter or ryhming?
Posts: 294
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2013
I have lots of advice, and please don't take any of it the wrong way. It's not an attack on you, and you will only grow from this advice....
Don't use archaic or antiquated language (like doth)
Don't force rhymes. Most of the time this is just to serve a means----get me to that end rhyme no matter what! (Surround me does this sea)
A great way to avoid this is to vary the rhyme pattern. Right now everything in the first stanza rhymes, and then everything in the second does. If you switch it up, you won't be struggling with forcing your rhymes.
As to meter....well...yours in this sooooo wonky.
Think of it as a song, or a heart beat.
Each line needs about the same, or close to it, beats or lub-dubs. (<
Please use some punctuation. You might get the poem without it, but you have a broader audience now. It took me at least 6 times reading the last line of the first stanza to figure it out.
Motionless<<,>> I yield<<,>> my plea
I was trying to figure out how you were yielding to your own plea.
Your title was the best thing about this because it has a double meaning. We all know we punch time clocks---but the word play of time so close to clock is fantastic.
You didn't ask about writing a love poem, but I'm going to give you unsolicited advice anyway. Don't until you get better command of your artistry. They tend to be sappy and crammed pack of clichés. Everyone who's ever lived has been in love, so it's realllly hard to find something fresh to say. I would suggest writing more poems about anything but love for a while. If it's to please your significant other, well, that person would love to get it and not judge....but don't do a love poem in general for us 'til you've mastered everything I listed above.
This is a learning and workshopping site, so I hope I've not scared you away!
Believe me, I'm still learning after nearly 40 years of writing poetry.
WELCOME!!!!
bena
Posts: 462
Threads: 384
Joined: Sep 2014
There's nothing wrong with using oldish sounding words if you can do something worthwhile with them. Sticking them in doesn't make a poem Romantic, and if you're looking to write a Romantic poem you probably don't have much Romantic sensibility, if you did you would just write and it would come out Romantic. But what do you mean by romantic?
Work takes too long to let me get home.
Maybe you could try lines in that vein.
