A flower in full bloom

[elegant_hedgehog]

A flower in full bloom can't stay,
Yet knows not that it must go;
As perhaps one might decline each day
And of life's cruel design not know.

But I, not blessed with falsities,
Fall victim to despair.
Oh, how sweet the ironies
That I, success won't spare.

The cause of my mortality
Reveals itself, when applied,
As my own mentality;
And to this, I must subside.

[edited to fix typo, originally mentality said mortality]

[Brownlie]

Now, I've always thought my syntax was great, but I'm a fellow whose fond of malapropisms (though sometimes I never know it until much later).

A flower in full bloom can't stay,
Yet knows not that it must go; -- The syntax here feels unnatural to me.
As perhaps one might decline each day
And of life's cruel design not know.

But I, not blessed with falsities,
Fall victim to despair.
Oh, how sweet the ironies
That I, success won't spare. -- Again, the syntax seems off. It sounds inverted here, to me.


The cause of my mortality
Reveals itself, when applied,
As my own mortality;
And to this, I must subside.

Now, the syntax is the major thing that can be fixed immediately. Wordsworth (though I'm no expert in Wordsworth) would say that poetry should be like prose in meter, or something like that. It seems like a fairly decent axiom. If you're going to write about flowers, I would suggest maybe researching them so you can add some more details, but I don't really know much about that. Now, I'm not speaking to you as a guru. I'm just a guy reading some stuff and giving an opinion that's probably wrong to a degree. I like the use of meter and the apparent knowledge of grammar (though that's a horribly racist thing I just said). However, I'd tentatively tell you to be careful about the rhymes that highlight abstractions. Good luck. 

[ellajam]

Hi, EH, welcome. Just five thoughtful critiques in the workshops makes you a full member. Here are a few notes.

A flower in full bloom can't stay,
Yet knows not that it must go; "doesn't know" would sound more natural.
As perhaps one might decline each day
And of life's cruel design not know.
The rhymes so far are pretty common and bland.


But I, not blessed with falsities,
Fall victim to despair.
Oh, how sweet the ironies
That I, success won't spare.
What ironies? Tell us. The last line is twisted to the point I don't know what you're saying.

The cause of my mortality
Reveals itself, when applied,
As my own mortality;
And to this, I must subside.
Mortality twice is too much and again, the last line seems twisted for the rhyme.

I enjoyed your start of a flower not knowing its beauty or imminent demise and the idea of humanity not so blessed. You have something to work with, I hope the critiques help.

[elegant_hedgehog]

Thanks for the feedback! There was a typo in the original poem, the second "mortality" should say "mentality." So it should read:

The cause of my mortality
Reveals itself, when applied,
As my own mentality;
And to this, I must subside.

Sorry about that!

[SimikPK]

Hi.

A flower in full bloom can't stay,
Yet knows not that it must go; The idea is good, but at the end of both lines you have highlited the same thing - the necessity of going, while there are potentially other things that could be highlighted - the fact that it is the flower in full bloom, or its ignorance of the fact of having to go...
As perhaps one might decline each day The "perhaps" maning-wise, is redundant here 
And of life's cruel design not know.  These two lines make sense only if you elaborate on them - on the "one" and "the cruel design"

But I, not blessed with falsities,
Fall victim to despair. 
Oh, how sweet the ironies
That I, success won't spare. As ellajam said, what ironies, what success, what despair, what falsities? A stanza filled with abstract nouns which sounds very vague, victim to despair is semi-cliché to me. Being more specific about what is the situation of the "I"of the poem would make it more tangible. Try showing some specific success, some specific irony or falsity, that the reader might grasp more of the state the "I" is in. 

The cause of my mortality
Reveals itself, when applied, this "when applied" is very confusing, it seems that it is forced there to rhyme with subside. 
As my own mentality;, 
And to this, I must subside. Noting new said here - you already told the reader that the "I" is "victim to despair" and that "success won´t spare". This stanza says basically only: I must die because of my mentality and the only new thing is the mentality. Be more specific about the mentality, and make the reader understand it, for, so far, I dont. What is the mentality like that it causes death? 

[edited to fix typo, originally mentality said mortality]

 

Also, why do you begin each line with a capital letter? There is no need. It is not less poetic if you use fullstops, commas, semicolons etc. and not always begin with capital letters. 

The poem has much potential to grow - like the flower. Just be specific, not too abstract, and show us more, we do want to look and see.