Tastes

[Tiger the Lion]

Tastes


How quick your savoury tooth turned sweet;
when the sugar market hit the roof of your mouth 
and trickled down your throat—
you could swallow anything.
 
If you could have reached the cookie jar
when chocolate chips were cheap,
things might have been different.
We might have had something to savour.

[Leanne]

Sweet is so tempting, so difficult to resist. I am getting an allegory of a partner seeing something "too good to be true" and taking it, without consultation perhaps, but certainly without patience.

Love the return of savour from savoury. This is good stuff, thank you.

[tectak]

Tastes


How quick your savoury tooth turned sweet;
when the sugar market hit the roof of your mouth 
and trickled down your throat—
you could swallow anything.
 
If you could have reached the cookie jar
when chocolate chips were cheap,
things might have been different.
We might have had something to savour.

Allegorical or not, this tastes good. Simplistic verse needs to be uncomplicated by length or language and you tick the boxes with this near vignette. I have but one insignificant nit which is more of an obsessive nuance of my own than a direct criticism of your work-- it is the dash. I am always willing to learn so ask you to explain what purpose it serves here. It seems to leave the last two lines a tad confused. Does the "when" relate to the swallow time or is the "anything" stand alone?
That is all. Excellent.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

it's almost perfect. a good show of how we can say old cliched things in an great original way. our differences don't often manifest till it's too late, nor do our wayward cravings one suggestion to stap the point home more would be to change [could] in the 4th line to [would] it really is just a small nit though.

thanks for the read.

Tastes


How quick your savoury tooth turned sweet;
when the sugar market hit the roof of your mouth 
and trickled down your throat—
you could swallow anything. do you have photographs please
 
If you could have reached the cookie jar
when chocolate chips were cheap,
things might have been different.
We might have had something to savour.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thank you guys.

Leanne - "too good to be true" yes, we can't expect to be nourished by empty calories - and ought to know better as grown ups.

Tectak - you give me too much credit if you think I could fully justify that dash. Haha. The fourth line was meant to conclude L2 and L3, but I also felt it could somewhat stand alone. Looking at it this morning, a simple comma rather than the dash might not disturb my intent. In all honesty, as far as punctuation goes, I'm still a student and often go with how something best reads out loud until the experts here direct me otherwise.

Billy - you really got me stuck on "could/would" now. I almost edited to "would" because I think you are correct as far as meaning goes. Somehow "could" preserves the tone I was hoping for. I'm looking at "you'd" as a compromise that might cover both angles.

Very encouraging to wake up to these comments. Especially from you three in particular. Thank you - Paul