Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
…a good day to die
Her sixteen year old boyfriend
got his license today;
they’re going for a ride.
Today is a good day to die.
–Erthona
©2014
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
just mercedes
Unregistered
Ouch! I think the title does a lot of work here - do you really need the last line?
Posts: 56
Threads: 22
Joined: Jul 2014
(07-25-2014, 06:18 AM)just mercedes Wrote: Ouch! I think the title does a lot of work here - do you really need the last line?
I agree. Also, I think "sixteen year-old" would be the proper way to say it here, which I realize is picky of me to point out but I just felt compelled to do so.
"Where there are roses we plant doubt.
Most of the meaning we glean is our own,
and forever not knowing, we ponder."
-Fernando Pessoa
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
(07-25-2014, 06:18 AM)just mercedes Wrote: Ouch! I think the title does a lot of work here - do you really need the last line?
Yes, but I would be willing to change the title. Didn't have a title when I wrote this, so I just took the last line for a title. I do think the line at the end is needed. It was a saying of the Apache. It was used before battle to say, I give myself up for dead, and doing so I will be fearless. The idea here is that love does basically the same thing.
If the title was changes to avoid the redundancy, would you still have a problem with the last line, or is it just the repetition that you don't like.
If you want to make a suggestion for a title I wouldn't mind a bit.
Dale
Quote:ajcohen613 said "I think "sixteen year-old" would be the proper way to say it"
No, you are absolutely correct, and I will change it forthwith. Thanks for the catch.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
