You're Leaving Home

[Keith]

Edit 2

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of childhood
clothes and books, carpet sweets stuck.
A broken plastic toy collection.

All now imprints on your bedroom floor.
But what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years to scratch your own beard.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through that fringe flicked pout,
to a landing spot?
Maybe a tower block tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever it want’s to be,
you've always had the key.

Edit 1 Tiger Lion

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza boxes and the contents
of a bedroom floor, but what for?
a debt the size of my first house.
Your prize a zero hour contract
and three years to grow a beard.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe flicked pout
to a landing spot,
maybe a tower block tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever it want's to be.
You still have the key.

Original
I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.

[Tiger the Lion]

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron, I liked the first 2 lines so much it took me awhile to move on.
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft. Something about this line doesn't sit right for me. It's almost abstract and marketable mixed wrong. Probably your favorite line. Sorry.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,Assuming you meant this to be a new sentence, I read the last lines several ways. Is the subject "a landing spot" or "a tree"? I wonder if "want it to be" would fix my read. Just an awkward sentence for me.
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.

Great read Keith, thank you. The first 4-6 lines are very strong in particular. I learned from this one. Cheers. -Paul

[Jinxy]

the warcraft line should probably be changed, yeah

[Keith]

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron, I liked the first 2 lines so much it took me awhile to move on.
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft. Something about this line doesn't sit right for me. It's almost abstract and marketable mixed wrong. Probably your favorite line. Sorry.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,Assuming you meant this to be a new sentence, I read the last lines several ways. Is the subject "a landing spot" or "a tree"? I wonder if "want it to be" would fix my read. Just an awkward sentence for me.
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.

Great read Keith, thank you. The first 4-6 lines are very strong in particular. I learned from this one. Cheers. -Paul

Many thanks TTL the WoW reference was about doing anything except study but I can see what you mean and I agree it needs a look at. Thank you for the feedback and I will use all in the edit. Best Keith

---

the warcraft line should probably be changed, yeah

Yeah it probably will be.

[JeffreyGonell]

The last line says it all for me: "You still have your key." In other words, you can return home after experiencing the real world outside.
The parent is letting the kid go, after trying to hold him from leaving.
To the parent: You're not ready to leave.
To the child: Let me spread my wings.
The child feels he's ready, but the parent, through experience, knows he's not.

[Tiger the Lion]

Edit 1 Tiger Lion

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years to grow your own beard.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe flicked pout
to a landing spot,
maybe a tower block tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever it want's to be.
You still have the key.

Original
I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.

Hi Keith. I really like the edit. "tower block tree" has some great sounds in it. Plus it can be read 2 ways. And I always love that. What I like most about this poem is that the last line makes me want to go back and reread the first lines. - needless to say, I've read this more than once.

[billy]

not a lot wrong with this keith i say he in my feedback though it could as easily be a she. good take on preparing the child for the university leaving scenario of many parents.

Edit 1 Tiger Lion

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books, great opening, it sounds like your expecting him to jump or leave (metaphorically.) it also seems he left suddenly before you realized the fact.
pizza and a bedroom floor, i can't grasp the bedroom floor being scattered.
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years to grow your own beard. would an [and] add something to the line, i usually advise brevity but i think the cut to this line to abrupt.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe flicked pout
to a landing spot,
maybe a tower block tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever it want's to be.
You still have the key. great ending. and it carries a confidence that he'll return the better person.

Original
I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.

[poe]

I like the edit. Like the parachute metaphor. Liked changing "your key" to "the key".

[Keith]

The last line says it all for me: "You still have your key." In other words, you can return home after experiencing the real world outside.
The parent is letting the kid go, after trying to hold him from leaving.
To the parent: You're not ready to leave.
To the child: Let me spread my wings.
The child feels he's ready, but the parent, through experience, knows he's not.

Thank you JG you seem to have it all here, this one has probably been covered quite a lot but its topical to me at the moment. Thanks Keith

---

Edit 1 Tiger Lion

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years to grow your own beard.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe flicked pout
to a landing spot,
maybe a tower block tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever it want's to be.
You still have the key.

Original
I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.

Hi Keith. I really like the edit. "tower block tree" has some great sounds in it. Plus it can be read 2 ways. And I always love that. What I like most about this poem is that the last line makes me want to go back and reread the first lines. - needless to say, I've read this more than once.

Hi TTL glad you like the edit, thanks for the help and the kind words. Best Keith

---

not a lot wrong with this keith i say he in my feedback though it could as easily be a she. good take on preparing the child for the university leaving scenario of many parents.

Edit 1 Tiger Lion

I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books, great opening, it sounds like your expecting him to jump or leave (metaphorically.) it also seems he left suddenly before you realized the fact.
pizza and a bedroom floor, i can't grasp the bedroom floor being scattered.
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years to grow your own beard. would an [and] add something to the line, i usually advise brevity but i think the cut to this line to abrupt.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe flicked pout
to a landing spot,
maybe a tower block tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever it want's to be.
You still have the key. great ending. and it carries a confidence that he'll return the better person.

Original
I was pressing your parachute
with a travel iron,
when the wind took you,
scattering a trail of books,
pizza and a bedroom floor,
but what for?
a debt the size of my first house?
Your prize a zero hour contract,
three years in a world of warcraft.

I wonder will your canopy ever fill
enough so you can see
through the fringe of black dye.
A landing spot,
maybe a tree,
a pupa cocooned, changing inside,
to whatever you want to be.
You still have your key.

Thanks for taking the time to comment Billy much appreciated, I like the and, so will add to the edit, any teenage bedroom floor is always scattered full of clothes and crap but it goes with them or in the bin
I guess I hoped that would come across but with have a think before changing. Best Keith

---

I like the edit. Like the parachute metaphor. Liked changing "your key" to "the key".

Glad you liked the edit Poe thanks for calling out the key change Best Keith

[just mercedes]

Great edit - your poem is stronger now. I agree there's a bit of confusion about the bedroom floor - '...scattering.../pizza and the bedroom floor' scattering pizza boxes on the floor? I don't know, but that's the only place I stumble in my reading.

[Keith]

Great edit - your poem is stronger now. I agree there's a bit of confusion about the bedroom floor - '...scattering.../pizza and the bedroom floor' scattering pizza boxes on the floor? I don't know, but that's the only place I stumble in my reading.

Thanks for the feedback jm, I will have a look at that line in the edit. Best Keith