Good Morning (edit 1)

[jdvanwijk]

Edit 1

Already, sun and birdsong
splatter the walls: a wild

kid-god, stick in hand
pollocks the Earth!


Original (cinquain)

Already
sun and birdsong
splatter the walls: a wild
kid-god, stick in hand, pollocks
the Earth.

[ellajam]

That's a violent wake-up call, like one of those 2 bell alarms.

Heron's
wingspan slices
though dissipating mists--
soon sun will preen in lake's fun-house
mirror.

[jdvanwijk]

That's a violent wake-up call, like one of those 2 bell alarms.

Heron's
wingspan slices
though dissipating mists--
soon sun will preen in lake's fun-house
mirror.

Yeah, it did feel like that this morning... Really like your cinquain - the lake as a fun-house mirror is a great image. It's a fun form to work with, isn't it?

[ellajam]

That's a violent wake-up call, like one of those 2 bell alarms.

Heron's
wingspan slices
though dissipating mists--
soon sun will preen in lake's fun-house
mirror.

Yeah, it did feel like that this morning... Really like your cinquain - the lake as a fun-house mirror is a great image. It's a fun form to work with, isn't it?

I used to play on some cinquain chains, last word is your first word. I've seen some people be able to do amazing things with them. I usually stick with one, but I've seen some interesting work using them as a form for a longer poem.

[Erthona]

Well that is a vivid image, although I thought "pollack" was a fish. Does it have another meaning? Probably "God" shouldn't be capitalized.

Dale

[jdvanwijk]

Well that is a vivid image, although I thought "pollack" was a fish. Does it have another meaning? Probably "God" shouldn't be capitalized.

Dale

Thanks for your feedback, Dale! Here it's intended as a self-invented verb, "to pollock something", i.e. to splatter something like Jackson Pollock did.

[ellajam]

Well that is a vivid image, although I thought "pollack" was a fish. Does it have another meaning? Probably "God" shouldn't be capitalized.

Dale

Thanks for your feedback, Dale! Here it's intended as a self-invented verb, "to pollock something", i.e. to splatter something like Jackson Pollock did.

Maybe capitalizing Pollock in stead of Earth might help, that's a lovely image I missed. I pictured being beaten with a fish, thinking it probably had a different but similar meaning. But I've got fishing on my mind anyway.

[jdvanwijk]

Well that is a vivid image, although I thought "pollack" was a fish. Does it have another meaning? Probably "God" shouldn't be capitalized.

Dale

Thanks for your feedback, Dale! Here it's intended as a self-invented verb, "to pollock something", i.e. to splatter something like Jackson Pollock did.

Maybe capitalizing Pollock in stead of Earth might help, that's a lovely image I missed. I pictured being beaten with a fish, thinking it probably had a different but similar meaning. But I've got fishing on my mind anyway.

Hello Ella, thank you for the idea! Though it wasn't intentional, I actually kind of like the dissonance of meaning that "pollocks" without a capital letter causes, but I'll give it some more thought!

[jdvanwijk]

@Ella and Dale

Posted an edit with slightly different formatting, to clarify that "pollocks" was intended as a verb. What do you think?