Posts: 24
Threads: 9
Joined: Oct 2013
Wrote this in high school years ago; be kind. Refined it as much as I could without losing the base ideas.
---
Life is just a game, you see
There's something for you, and something for me
Some play safe and some are insane
Some are blind to the fact that life's just a game
We're all the same, with different desires
Different coals burning different fires
Decisions, decisions... It's all about choice
When pen comes to paper, do I find my voice
Life is a dream, an illusion for you
Reality is same, yet different points of view
We are figments of thought, and time is a lie
Imagination in youth, then time passes by
"Same shit, different day", you want something more
"Same day, different shit", or else life is a bore
Life happens in moments and fragments of time
Or maybe I'm crazy. I've just lost my mind.
The brain is the place where reality starts
Existance is thought, so remember your part
Memory is truth, it's all that we have
Ego is false, so please don't be mad
What happens to you, and what happens to me
Matters not in the grand scheme of things, you see
Ideas and concepts of reality are
What has kept us from going insane, so far
Sometimes I wonder; this storm in my head
What to make of it all, once I'm gone and dead
If you're on my page, then kudos to you
In all likelihood, you're completely mad too
Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014
(06-08-2014, 02:05 PM)Cyferz Wrote: Wrote this in high school years ago; be kind. Refined it as much as I could without losing the base ideas.
---
Life is just a game, you see
There's something for you, and something for me plenty for you, and more for me
Some play safe and some are insane
Some are blind to the fact that life's just a game
We're all the same, with different desirescontradiction, we cant be the same and want different things
Different coals burning different fireswe are all the same, but different coals? Coals make one big fire, not different ones
Decisions, decisions... It's all about choice you just said we were all the same .: we all make the same decisions .: there is no real choice.
When pen comes to paper, do I find my voice?????
Life is a dream, an illusion for you ? Dream, game, idk. The poem lost focus now
Reality is same, yet different points of view
We are figments of thought, and time is a lie
Imagination in youth, then time passes by
"Same shit, different day", you want something more cliche and cursing. Tell us how you really feel
"Same day, different shit", or else life is a bore
Life happens in moments and fragments of time
Or maybe I'm crazy. I've just lost my mind. go with this, i'm drowning in a sea of cliche and contradiction
The brain is the place where reality starts
Existance is thought, so remember your part
Memory is truth, it's all that we have
Ego is false, so please don't be madi kinda like the rhymish thing going on here, as it draws attention to what I feel is your main point.
What happens to you, and what happens to me
Matters not in the grand scheme of things, you see in the grand scheme of what things?
Ideas and concepts of reality are
What has kept us from going insane, so far pass the joint
Sometimes I wonder; this storm in my head
What to make of it all, once I'm gone and dead. once your gone and dead, there will be nothing to make of it, cause youll be dead.
If you're on my page, then kudos to you facebook page???
In all likelihood, you're completely mad too
Existentialism is over rated as a theme.
This was a good poem, expressing your thoughts and problems into a nice flowing piece. The improvement that i would encourage is to stick to one central theme and idea and then expand on that.
That is a good poem written in high school, nice ending!
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
(06-08-2014, 02:05 PM)Cyferz Wrote: Wrote this in high school years ago; be kind. Refined it as much as I could without losing the base ideas.
---
Life is just a game, you see
There's something for you, and something for me
Some play safe and some are insane
Some are blind to the fact that life's just a game
We're all the same, with different desires
Different coals burning different fires < a coal can't burn a fire>
Decisions, decisions... It's all about choice
When pen comes to paper, do I find my voice
Life is a dream, an illusion for you
Reality is same, yet different points of view
We are figments of thought, and time is a lie
Imagination in youth, then time passes by
"Same shit, different day", you want something more
"Same day, different shit", or else life is a bore < pathetic, or sophistry take you pick.>
Life happens in moments and fragments of time
Or maybe I'm crazy. I've just lost my mind.
The brain is the place where reality starts
Existance is thought, so remember your part < Existence(sic)>
Memory is truth, it's all that we have
Ego is false, so please don't be mad < this conclusion is not supported by what precedes it>
What happens to you, and what happens to me
Matters not in the grand scheme of things, you see
Ideas and concepts of reality are
What has kept us from going insane, so far
Sometimes I wonder; this storm in my head
What to make of it all, once I'm gone and dead
If you're on my page, then kudos to you
In all likelihood, you're completely mad too
We're all about truth here, but truth and kindness tend to be antithetical. So you need to decide if you want the truth or you want to be treated with kid gloves.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
(06-08-2014, 02:57 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: (06-08-2014, 02:05 PM)Cyferz Wrote: Wrote this in high school years ago; be kind. Refined it as much as I could without losing the base ideas.
---
Life is just a game, you see
There's something for you, and something for me plenty for you, and more for me
Some play safe and some are insane
Some are blind to the fact that life's just a game
We're all the same, with different desirescontradiction, we cant be the same and want different things
Different coals burning different fireswe are all the same, but different coals? Coals make one big fire, not different ones
Decisions, decisions... It's all about choice you just said we were all the same .: we all make the same decisions .: there is no real choice.
When pen comes to paper, do I find my voice?????
Life is a dream, an illusion for you ? Dream, game, idk. The poem lost focus now
Reality is same, yet different points of view
We are figments of thought, and time is a lie
Imagination in youth, then time passes by
"Same shit, different day", you want something more cliche and cursing. Tell us how you really feel
"Same day, different shit", or else life is a bore
Life happens in moments and fragments of time
Or maybe I'm crazy. I've just lost my mind. go with this, i'm drowning in a sea of cliche and contradiction
The brain is the place where reality starts
Existance is thought, so remember your part
Memory is truth, it's all that we have
Ego is false, so please don't be madi kinda like the rhymish thing going on here, as it draws attention to what I feel is your main point.
What happens to you, and what happens to me
Matters not in the grand scheme of things, you see in the grand scheme of what things?
Ideas and concepts of reality are
What has kept us from going insane, so far pass the joint
Sometimes I wonder; this storm in my head
What to make of it all, once I'm gone and dead. once your gone and dead, there will be nothing to make of it, cause youll be dead.
If you're on my page, then kudos to you facebook page???
In all likelihood, you're completely mad too
Existentialism is over rated as a theme.
I think the point of the poem is being missed in the analysis. The poem is not to be taken literally, but taken metaphorically. A poem is an expression of a writers thoughts and feelings, which are not always logical and concise. Maybe the contradicting stanzas are meant to be? To truly make the reader think?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
06-15-2014, 10:16 AM
(This post was last modified: 06-15-2014, 10:23 AM by billy.)
(06-14-2014, 04:50 PM)Lazoom Wrote: I think the point of the poem is being missed in the analysis. The poem is not to be taken literally, but taken metaphorically. A poem is an expression of a writers thoughts and feelings, which are not always logical and concise. Maybe the contradicting stanzas are meant to be? To truly make the reader think? we give feedback to the poet and poem, and not to the critic. it can set up too much of a discussion. if you want to reply to a critique do so by bringing the point in poetry discussion. it makes no difference really what you think of someone elses feedback as it's theirs and not your./mod
as an aside, if enough people miss the point of the poem in analysis of any other way, then maybe the poem has a problem?
two main things spoil what could be a decent poem for me; it's almost a continuous set of clichés and extremely wordy. a minor issue is that much of what is said conflicts with what ever else has been said. , specially the metaphorical statements being made.
thanks for the read.
(06-08-2014, 02:05 PM)Cyferz Wrote: Wrote this in high school years ago; be kind. Refined it as much as I could without losing the base ideas.
---
Life is just a game, you see
There's something for you, and something for me
Some play safe and some are insane
Some are blind to the fact that life's just a game
We're all the same, with different desires
Different coals burning different fires
Decisions, decisions... It's all about choice
When pen comes to paper, do I find my voice
Life is a dream, an illusion for you
Reality is same, yet different points of view
We are figments of thought, and time is a lie
Imagination in youth, then time passes by
"Same shit, different day", you want something more
"Same day, different shit", or else life is a bore
Life happens in moments and fragments of time
Or maybe I'm crazy. I've just lost my mind.
The brain is the place where reality starts
Existance is thought, so remember your part
Memory is truth, it's all that we have
Ego is false, so please don't be mad
What happens to you, and what happens to me
Matters not in the grand scheme of things, you see
Ideas and concepts of reality are
What has kept us from going insane, so far
Sometimes I wonder; this storm in my head
What to make of it all, once I'm gone and dead
If you're on my page, then kudos to you
In all likelihood, you're completely mad too
TomSommerville
Unregistered
(06-08-2014, 02:05 PM)Cyferz Wrote: Wrote this in high school years ago; be kind. Refined it as much as I could without losing the base ideas.
---
Life is just a game, you see
There's something for you, and something for me
Some play safe and some are insane
Some are blind to the fact that life's just a game
We're all the same, with different desires
Different coals burning different fires
Decisions, decisions... It's all about choice
When pen comes to paper, do I find my voice
Life is a dream, an illusion for you
Reality is same, yet different points of view
We are figments of thought, and time is a lie
Imagination in youth, then time passes by
"Same shit, different day", you want something more
"Same day, different shit", or else life is a bore
Life happens in moments and fragments of time
Or maybe I'm crazy. I've just lost my mind.
The brain is the place where reality starts
Existance is thought, so remember your part
Memory is truth, it's all that we have
Ego is false, so please don't be mad
What happens to you, and what happens to me
Matters not in the grand scheme of things, you see
Ideas and concepts of reality are
What has kept us from going insane, so far
Sometimes I wonder; this storm in my head
What to make of it all, once I'm gone and dead
If you're on my page, then kudos to you
In all likelihood, you're completely mad too
I enjoyed this poem quite a bit. Real nice concept and your vocabulary choices were interesting.
Posts: 24
Threads: 9
Joined: Oct 2013
(06-14-2014, 04:50 PM)Lazoom Wrote: (06-08-2014, 02:57 PM)Qdeathstar Wrote: (06-08-2014, 02:05 PM)Cyferz Wrote: Wrote this in high school years ago; be kind. Refined it as much as I could without losing the base ideas.
---
Life is just a game, you see
There's something for you, and something for me plenty for you, and more for me
Some play safe and some are insane
Some are blind to the fact that life's just a game
We're all the same, with different desirescontradiction, we cant be the same and want different things
Different coals burning different fireswe are all the same, but different coals? Coals make one big fire, not different ones
Decisions, decisions... It's all about choice you just said we were all the same .: we all make the same decisions .: there is no real choice.
When pen comes to paper, do I find my voice?????
Life is a dream, an illusion for you ? Dream, game, idk. The poem lost focus now
Reality is same, yet different points of view
We are figments of thought, and time is a lie
Imagination in youth, then time passes by
"Same shit, different day", you want something more cliche and cursing. Tell us how you really feel
"Same day, different shit", or else life is a bore
Life happens in moments and fragments of time
Or maybe I'm crazy. I've just lost my mind. go with this, i'm drowning in a sea of cliche and contradiction
The brain is the place where reality starts
Existance is thought, so remember your part
Memory is truth, it's all that we have
Ego is false, so please don't be madi kinda like the rhymish thing going on here, as it draws attention to what I feel is your main point.
What happens to you, and what happens to me
Matters not in the grand scheme of things, you see in the grand scheme of what things?
Ideas and concepts of reality are
What has kept us from going insane, so far pass the joint
Sometimes I wonder; this storm in my head
What to make of it all, once I'm gone and dead. once your gone and dead, there will be nothing to make of it, cause youll be dead.
If you're on my page, then kudos to you facebook page???
In all likelihood, you're completely mad too
Existentialism is over rated as a theme.
I think the point of the poem is being missed in the analysis. The poem is not to be taken literally, but taken metaphorically. A poem is an expression of a writers thoughts and feelings, which are not always logical and concise. Maybe the contradicting stanzas are meant to be? To truly make the reader think?
Oh well... it was kind of a coming of age poem; remember I was writing in high school. In high school there tends to be two types of people. Some people become very adept at playing our social game, but may become blind to the game they are playing. Others begin to see life for what it really is, the absurdity of it all.
It goes without saying that once food, shelter and sex are accounted for, we humans have very little in terms of purpose. The rest of it is merely a game to be made into whatever we make of it. Life is a distraction until we die.
(06-08-2014, 02:05 PM)Cyferz Wrote: Wrote this in high school years ago; be kind. Refined it as much as I could without losing the base ideas.
---
Life is just a game, you see you haven't told us why yet so no i don't see
There's something for you, and something for me How does this characterize a game?
Some play safe and some are insane I like it
Some are blind to the fact that life's just a game bad example of repetition
We're all the same, with different desires I see what you're trying to say but you need to convey it better because at the moment it's just a contradiction
Different coals burning different fires
Decisions, decisions... It's all about choice
When pen comes to paper, do I find my voice?
Life is a dream, an illusion for you Drifting from original premise
Reality is same, yet different points of view
We are figments of thought, and time is a lie
Imagination in youth, then time passes by I thought time was a lie, If ones imaginative in their youth then loose this creativity as they age would that not infer the presence of time? as time and age interlink?
"Same shit, different day", you want something more
"Same day, different shit", or else life is a bore
Life happens in moments and fragments of time I thought time was a lie?
Or maybe I'm crazy. I've just lost my mind. I think you have
The brain is the place where reality starts
Existance is thought, so remember your part
Memory is truth, it's all that we have
Ego is false, so please don't be mad
What happens to you, and what happens to me
Matters not in the grand scheme of things, you see Not really
Ideas and concepts of reality are
What has kept us from going insane, so far
Sometimes I wonder; this storm in my head
What to make of it all, once I'm gone and dead How can you
If you're on my page, then kudos to you Far to colloquial
In all likelihood, you're completely mad too maybe now
|
