I was bored sitting in one of my locals and scribbled this. I know it's not that good, but it served it's purpose and made my girlfriend happy. She asked if I would put it here with my last one, so here you go. Thank you in advance for any comments.
O.
As sweet as a rose,
From you beauty flows,
My feelings just grow and grow,
This is love, I know.
When I look at you,
I know it to be true,
With you I never feel blue,
Such happiness I never knew.
With you I feel complete,
Every time we meet,
I can sense your heat,
My heart skips a beat.
Such sweetness you contain,
This you could not feign,
I find it hard to refrain,
So hard to stay sane.
I want you oh so bad,
It’s driving me completely mad,
I feel again like a young lad,
And with you I’m never sad.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
you g/friend loves it because she knows you wrote it.
often that's enough to love a poem.
for me it very cliché and hall mark. the hall mark thing means it's a lot like greeting card poetry...but not as good if it can be called good.
it often the type of poetry most people write when they first come to poetry, myself included.
becaues this is the mild crit forum, my two big suggestions are;
always try to write in an original way, say things in a way they haven't been said before.
2nd; never give up read lots of non forum poetry and keep writing.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Yeah, it's kind of mushy
... but your girl loves it, and she's probably your most important audience for this, so that's a win already
It does read as kind of cliche, which I understand because like you said you wrote it on the fly and thus kept to very easy, obvious rhymes (I guess there's a charm to it though
). One concrete thing I could suggest is maybe write a more definitive last stanza, something that nicely wraps up / sums up the poem.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 259
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2011
Hi, Owen!
Most women love it when their man takes the impetus to write something cloyingly sweet for them. This type of verse generally works well.
I won't regale you with tales of what my husband has been put through, since I am not one of them
As you branch out and write more, consider using rhythm without rhyme. It opens up more possibilities, since there are a finite number of rhymes in the English language. Unless you resort to amphigouri, of course.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 6
Threads: 0
Joined: Mar 2014
Oh gosh no please, this is diabetes. This is a private letter you send only to your S.O. and not an original love poem. I am sure you can do better! THe rhyme seems silly and forced. It would rather be a song than a modern poem.
Posts: 126
Threads: 17
Joined: Mar 2014
It's a bit dogrel. The sentiment is sweet. And I have no problem with the rhyme scheme, and formal structure, but I would like a few more enjambments, to break up the hard line stops.
Also 'grow and grow' - either just 'grow' or maybe something like 'sow and grow', 'plough and grow', etc. Just something extra.
Though it is nice that you are soppy and in love
TamyPocer777
Unregistered
I totally get where your coming from. Spur of the moment and totally original. The world needs more people like you and this is what being in love is all about. It unlocks something in us and makes us as you say 'soppy'. Your lucky, in the sense youve found someone with the key to your heart.
