february

[halfagirl]

NEW DRAFT

consume

my eyeballs eat the words off pages / screens / everything

my ears hear your silence louder than your words (you still slay me with those)

my mouth opens wide to judge the entrances and exits

my skin soaks up sunlight while bearing scars of this life

create

it is all in my mind

the blank page screams to be filled and my stomach clenches

you are not good enough / you wasted your time

destroy

smash me into pieces so I can pick them up

throw away the outliers and the assholes

remake

become whole again, repeat.

ORIGINAL DRAFT
consume

my eyeballs eat the words off pages / screens / everything

my ears hear your silence louder than your words (but you still slay me
with those too)

my mouth opens wide and judge the entrances and exits

my skin soaks up sunlight and bears the scars of this life

create

it is all in my mind

the blank page screams to be filled and causes physical pain

you are not good enough / you wasted your time

destroy

smash me into pieces so I can pick them up

throw away the outliers and the assholes

remake

become whole again, repeat.

[rowens]

consume

my eyeballs eat the words off pages / screens / everything

my ears hear your silence louder than your words (but you still slay me
with those too)

Do you want still and too?




my mouth opens wide and judge the entrances and exits


What is doing the judging?



my skin soaks up sunlight and bears the scars of this life


That comes off a little weak, maybe.



create

it is all in my mind

the blank page screams to be filled and causes physical pain



That's a simple but direct line. I'll give you that.




you are not good enough / you wasted your time

destroy

smash me into pieces so I can pick them up

throw away the outliers and the assholes

remake

become whole again, repeat.

The pieces and the process make the poem interesting. You could probably make it stronger. What do you think?

[halfagirl]

Thank you for your comments. This is the first poem I've written in my adult life and am ready for feedback. I made some edits based on your comments and my own processing of what I wrote. Here is version two:
consume

my eyeballs eat the words off pages / screens / everything

my ears hear your silence louder than your words (you still slay me with
those)

my mouth opens wide to judge the entrances and exits

my skin soaks up sunlight while bearing scars of this life

create

it is all in my mind

the blank page screams to be filled and my stomach clenches

you are not good enough / you wasted your time

destroy

smash me into pieces so I can pick them up

throw away the outliers and the assholes

remake

become whole again, repeat.

[rowens]

It's better. It could be even better without making major changes. It seems like the kind of thing that would work after messing around for a while with small details. That might make a big difference.