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While stealing glimpses of you,
I realized that the pieces of me, are the pieces of you.
Same face, eyes, ears and nose.
Slender body and little toes.
Our sense of humor seems to match.
The way we walk, the way we laugh.
Still trying to put this puzzle together,
So ours hearts can mend and we can grow closer.
We've been torn from seam to seam,
the puzzle pieces fell somewhere in between.
Holes were formed inside our souls,
building walls with sticks and stones.
Who knows, where these pieces could possibly be.
To fill the voids, and set us free.
The pieces of you are the pieces of me,
so lets break down these walls,
make this puzzle complete.
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Joined: Feb 2014
Here's my breakdown of the poem line-for-line.
(02-06-2014, 10:27 PM)nhanna1223 Wrote: While stealing glimpses of you,
I realized that the pieces of me, are the pieces of you.[I like this line, but I'm having a difficult time deciding what it means. You know what it means, but I can't get inside your head to interpret it.]
Same face, eyes, ears and nose.[I like listed items like this in poems.]
Slender body and little toes.
Our sense of humor seems to match.
The way we walk, the way we laugh.[Is "The way we walk" necessary in this line? How does walking relate to the sense of humor?]
Still trying to put this puzzle together,
So ours hearts can mend and we can grow closer. ["Our hearts" not "ours hearts"]
We've been torn from seam to seam,
the puzzle pieces fell somewhere in between. [I like this line, but what does it mean? How were you torn "seam to seam"?]
Holes were formed inside our souls,
building walls with sticks and stones.[Does this mean you were cut off from each other with figurative "walls" you put up? Why sticks and stones?]
Who knows, where these pieces could possibly be. [I don't think there should be a comma after "Who knows." If the last line of the stanza is a continuation of this line, you should not end this line with a period.]
To fill the voids, and set us free.[This means the pieces will fill the void between you and the subject and set you both free? What will you be free from?]
The pieces of you are the pieces of me, [I like how this line is a reverse of the line in the first stanza.]
so lets break down these walls,
make this puzzle complete.
I tried to be clear in my feedback, but it's difficult because I'm new to critiquing poetry. I like your poem, but as I noted above, some things seem unclear to me. Maybe that's because I think too much about some things and then I get confused. It may be clear to other readers. Otherwise, great poem! Keep up the good work and keep posting more poems. 
(02-06-2014, 10:27 PM)nhanna1223 Wrote: While stealing glimpses of you,
I realized that the pieces of me, are the pieces of you.
Same face, eyes, ears and nose.
Slender body and little toes.
Our sense of humor seems to match.
The way we walk, the way we laugh.
Still trying to put this puzzle together,
So ours hearts can mend and we can grow closer.
We've been torn from seam to seam,
the puzzle pieces fell somewhere in between.
Holes were formed inside our souls,
building walls with sticks and stones.
Who knows, where these pieces could possibly be.
To fill the voids, and set us free.
The pieces of you are the pieces of me,
so lets break down these walls,
make this puzzle complete.
Do you mean to have these parts rhyme? I can't quite tell, so it throws me off since the rhyming seems to be a bit random
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I think you could maybe work at finding better rhymes. Some are fine, but some are really a stretch. It has some nice imagery, and reminds me of something from Rumi:
The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.
Just my humble opinion.
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Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
I'm all for extending a metaphor, but I think this one snapped half-way through. The problem is that your metaphor is based on the idea of pieces (which I think is kind of bizarre), but then you introduce it as different kinds of pieces. Something cannot be a puzzle piece, have a seam, and be construction material, the poem just becomes senseless because whatever it is you are trying to describe keeps morphing into something different. It would be like trying to make your metaphor "fruit". Saying our love is like fruit, like an apple because it is sweet, but like an orange because it is tart. A metaphor allows you to use one thing as a symbol for something else, not somethings else. Pieces cannot be used as a symbol for something else, as it is not a thing, but the condition of a thing. When you use pieces, you say, our love (or ourselves in this case) is like "the condition of a thing when it is in parts".
As to rhymes: This is meant to be in rhyming couplets, that is, the end word of every two consecutive lines will rhyme with each other. The first couplet you try to rhyme "you" with "you", putting the same word twice is not a rhyme. Here are the rest of your couplets:
nose/toes
match/laugh
together/closer
seem/between
souls/stones
be/free
I think "me" was meant to rhyme with "complete", and walls was just the odd man out. There are three actual rhymes, one off rhyme, and one instance of alliteration; enough of a pattern to indicate that these were meant to be couplets. As the writer was able to get above 50% of these correct, I will assume they know what rhymes and what does not, and suggest they pay closer attention, so that what they write actually is a rhyme when it is meant to be.
Evidently the writer has some ear for poetry as there are pieces of meter scattered throughout as well as the afore mentioned rhymes.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
(02-06-2014, 10:27 PM)nhanna1223 Wrote: While stealing glimpses of you,
I realized that the pieces of me, are the pieces of you. This set the tone for the poem nicely.
Same face, eyes, ears and nose.
Slender body and little toes. This seemed humorous. I'm not sure if its in the way you intend. Not sure if I like it.
Our sense of humor seems to match.
The way we walk, the way we laugh. This was the best pair in the poem for me.
Still trying to put this puzzle together,
So ours hearts can mend and we can grow closer.
We've been torn from seam to seam,
the puzzle pieces fell somewhere in between. The cadence seems to fall apart here. I don't know if that's intentional or not.
Holes were formed inside our souls,
building walls with sticks and stones.
Who knows, where these pieces could possibly be.
To fill the voids, and set us free. What is this line supposed to convey?
The pieces of you are the pieces of me,
so lets break down these walls,
make this puzzle complete.
So my big question is the difference between the first half and the second. In the first half the two of you are jiving and everything is dandy. Then all of a sudden there's a puzzle which is incomplete and seems to be broken for some reason. It just caught me off guard.
I like the poem however some parts ralex003 pointed out are also unclear to me and some attempts at rhyming were clumsy but overall, a very good poem... Keep it up!
I made the mistake of reading some other replies and now feel completely inadequate to comment. I will say that I found the last line was one of the weakest lines, I think if the last verse was made stronger rather than having the feeling of being slightly abandoned the poem would finish stronger
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