Posts: 54
Threads: 33
Joined: Feb 2010
music doesn't satisfy my ears anymore
laughter feels forced
anger is hidden from a crowd
but, reappears when alone
your touch disappoints me
stones are in my throat
for, I am mute
something's missing
dreams are shattered into the broken glass
where I see my face and future
I am not myself
I am hidden behind your controls
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
07-09-2010, 08:35 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-09-2010, 08:35 AM by billy.)
(07-08-2010, 12:59 PM)Loveblind Wrote: music doesn't satisfy my ears anymore
laughter feels forced
anger is hidden from a crowd
but, reappears when alone
your touch disappoints me
stones are in my throat love this line
for, I am mute and instead of for, no comma
something's missing
dreams are shattered into the broken glass really old cliche LB
where I see my face and future when instead of where
I am not myself
I am hidden behind your controls i love this line as well
for me something else would be better than broken glass, (or to a thousand pices
)
"would dreams are shrapnel" work?
with a little teak i think you have a decent one here LB
try not to use too may I's. thanks for the write as always
JMO.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Wow, I really like this one of yours, LB.
(07-08-2010, 12:59 PM)Loveblind Wrote: music doesn't satisfy my ears anymore Like this opening line
laughter feels forced
anger is hidden from a crowd don't think "is" is needed?
but, reappears when alone
your touch disappoints me I found this line poignant in its directness
stones are in my throat
for, I am mute
something's missing
dreams are shattered into the broken glass
where I see my face and future
I am not myself
I am hidden behind your controls
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
