triolet

[Arachnid_Poet]

"I met the reason of my heart"

I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.
We crawl through hands and so it starts,
I met the reason of my heart.
Complacence drinks our sacred art
as two make one and now we're whole.
I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.

[Leanne]

Excellent meter and adherence to form. L6 is ever so slightly touching on cliche, but the refrain is absolutely lovely. L3 gives me a problem with the tenses as it's clearly already started (I'm ok with the present tense in L5 as this is a continuing thing). My suggestion for L3 would be something along the lines of:

We crawled through hands; so such things start

Great triolet, thanks for the read.

[Arachnid_Poet]

Excellent meter and adherence to form. L6 is ever so slightly touching on cliche, but the refrain is absolutely lovely. L3 gives me a problem with the tenses as it's clearly already started (I'm ok with the present tense in L5 as this is a continuing thing). My suggestion for L3 would be something along the lines of:

We crawled through hands; so such things start

Great triolet, thanks for the read.

hmmm would changing line 3 to your suggestion hurt the meter? Sorry, meter is slowly coming to me. This is my first triolet. Thanks for the comment! I'll probably come back to line six.

[Leanne]

Nope, still iambic tetrameter. There is a tiny shift in emphasis due to a semi-colon or other caesura (mid-line break), but it doesn't change meter.

[Arachnid_Poet]

perfect! Thanks for taking the time to read! I know the triolet is a short poem, but I tried to keep the flow...flowing lol. I just listened to 4 hours worth of love music and drowned in memories and I brought this out. Do you have many triolets written?

[Leanne]

Only a few. Three or four short of a million It's not my favourite form but for great examples you should see some of milo's.

[Sheep]

Wonderful waltz-y rhythm. I liked how you managed to not make "I met the reason of my heart" as repetitive as it could have so easily been by making them into a bridge between two lines instead of an anchor purely for structure.

[Arachnid_Poet]

Wonderful waltz-y rhythm. I liked how you managed to not make "I met the reason of my heart" as repetitive as it could have so easily been by making them into a bridge between two lines instead of an anchor purely for structure.

ahhhh thanks for the warm comment! The trick to a good triolet is making sure it's got a good flow in it, and not making each new sentence just another sentence. You almost want to make each two lines one sentence so to speak. That's what I tried to do here.

[visualcondyle]

"I met the reason of my heart"

I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.
We crawl through hands and so it starts,
I met the reason of my heart.
Complacence drinks our sacred art
as two make one and now we're whole.
I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.

"I met the reason of my heart"

I met the reason of my heart. (-)
His lips alone undressed my soul. (-)
We crawl through hands and so it starts,(see my comment)
I met the reason of my heart. (good refrain)
Complacence drinks our sacred art (—) (em-dash here)
as two make one and now we're whole. (,)
I met the reason of my heart. (,)
His lips alone undressed my soul.

Hey there,

Great rhythm throughout the poem— the style is very reminiscent of
Frost combined with a strong sense of lyric. I appreciate the controlled yet revealing
nature of the speaker; the narration from the speaker appears somewhat reflective, creating a tone that is both giddy and quite serious. The speaker makes an announcement
in such a small bottle if you will, and I think it suits the content well. I added some grammatical changes in your poem for flow and continuation. The punctuation you have here could work as well, but I think commas and dashes would give it some flavor.

Thank you for posting
VisualCondyle (Tara)

[Arachnid_Poet]

"I met the reason of my heart"

I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.
We crawl through hands and so it starts,
I met the reason of my heart.
Complacence drinks our sacred art
as two make one and now we're whole.
I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.

"I met the reason of my heart"

I met the reason of my heart. (-)
His lips alone undressed my soul. (-)
We crawl through hands and so it starts,(see my comment)
I met the reason of my heart. (good refrain)
Complacence drinks our sacred art (—) (em-dash here)
as two make one and now we're whole. (,)
I met the reason of my heart. (,)
His lips alone undressed my soul.

Hey there,

Great rhythm throughout the poem— the style is very reminiscent of
Frost combined with a strong sense of lyric. I appreciate the controlled yet revealing
nature of the speaker; the narration from the speaker appears somewhat reflective, creating a tone that is both giddy and quite serious. The speaker makes an announcement
in such a small bottle if you will, and I think it suits the content well. I added some grammatical changes in your poem for flow and continuation. The punctuation you have here could work as well, but I think commas and dashes would give it some flavor.

Thank you for posting
VisualCondyle (Tara)

thanks for the suggestions! I'm actually going to rewrite some of the lines due to grammatical errors. I put it down on paper first, then I put it on here
How are you today?

[milo]

"I met the reason of my heart"

I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.
We crawl through hands and so it starts,
I met the reason of my heart.
Complacence drinks our sacred art
as two make one and now we're whole.
I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.

I wonder about the tense confusion, there doesn't seem to be much purpose to it.

The weakest line is "Complacence drinks our sacred art"

Lines with so much abstraction just read like too much throwaway in the tight structure required for a triolet.

You may also consider a "turn" as the repetends read just like repetends.

Thanks for posting.

[kindofahippy]

"I met the reason of my heart"

I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.
We crawl through hands and so it starts,
I met the reason of my heart.
Complacence drinks our sacred art
as two make one and now we're whole.
I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.

I wonder about the tense confusion, there doesn't seem to be much purpose to it.

The weakest line is "Complacence drinks our sacred art"

Lines with so much abstraction just read like too much throwaway in the tight structure required for a triolet.

You may also consider a "turn" as the repetends read just like repetends.

Thanks for posting.

Hmm, if the author of the poem established a meaning for the abstract line, perhaps then it would only be obscure and deep instead of being "throwaway"?

[milo]

"I met the reason of my heart"

I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.
We crawl through hands and so it starts,
I met the reason of my heart.
Complacence drinks our sacred art
as two make one and now we're whole.
I met the reason of my heart.
His lips alone undressed my soul.

I wonder about the tense confusion, there doesn't seem to be much purpose to it.

The weakest line is "Complacence drinks our sacred art"

Lines with so much abstraction just read like too much throwaway in the tight structure required for a triolet.

You may also consider a "turn" as the repetends read just like repetends.

Thanks for posting.

Hmm, if the author of the poem established a meaning for the abstract line, perhaps then it would only be obscure and deep instead of being "throwaway"?

I think it would be pretty difficult to fit a foundation for a line like "Complacence drinks our sacred art" in a triolet but I would love to see it happen. In this case, it didn't. The truth is, that spot in a triolet is the perfect time to establish the "turn" so the next set of repetends has a slightly different meaning.

Anyway, the author might find it more useful if you comment on the poem rather than on the comments I already gave.