Lying in my room

[Humbert]

Posters fill the olive suede-textured walls,
and books that I like occupy wooden shelves.
My favorite music plays right beside my ear,
and I am quick to take its advice.
My closet overflows with my very own look;
I’ve worked so hard to make it mine.
Works of art (my favorites!)
are pinned to a cork-board that hangs
above my study desk.
Upon my dresser, my accomplishments
boast my merit and define my pride.
I don’t fucking know me.

[Arachnid_Poet]

Ah, we both have the same situation it seems. Books overflow our living space, music giving us advice to do things a certain way or to boost our morale in a certain sense. We have things that try to define what we are, what we have done, but yet in the mirror we are still utter strangers to ourselves. I'm not a fan of the F word, so I'd remove that word in the last line. But that's my opinion. This poem would be pretty cool if you wrote more metaphorically. I assume your saying your a stranger with among trademarks that have partially defined you. Why not break it down even more and say something like "My trophy says I've won/this race that was never run" etc etc. But that's my two cents. Overall it's a very good piece.

[billy]

Hi Humbert

are all the words needed. try to make it less of you telling a story show us a few things as well
not a bad effort, it seems like a lot but i doubt an edit would take too long. there's a decent poem here waiting for your love

thanks for the read

Posters fill the olive suede-textured walls,
and books that I like occupy wooden shelves.
My favorite music plays right beside my ear,
and I am quick to take its advice. what advice, this line feels like you know what it means, but it leaves the reader thinking wtf, a suggestion would be to give it some context
My closet overflows with my very own look; a suggestion would be [the] to start the line and [personality] instead of [very own look] add what type of personality, crazy, sexy, prissy etc
I’ve worked so hard to make it mine.
Works of art (my favorites!) do you mean [faovorite works of art]? we know they're yours you told us with the closet line and study desk lines, let the reader assume
are pinned to a cork-board that hangs
above my study desk.
Upon my dresser, my accomplishments change one of the my's
boast my merit and define my pride. for me, this is the end line. it sort of sums up what the poem is all about
I don’t fucking know me. for me, this line isn't needed. we're okay on the site with expletives but for some reason it doesn't ring as real.

[Humbert]

Ah, we both have the same situation it seems. Books overflow our living space, music giving us advice to do things a certain way or to boost our morale in a certain sense. We have things that try to define what we are, what we have done, but yet in the mirror we are still utter strangers to ourselves. I'm not a fan of the F word, so I'd remove that word in the last line. But that's my opinion. This poem would be pretty cool if you wrote more metaphorically. I assume your saying your a stranger with among trademarks that have partially defined you. Why not break it down even more and say something like "My trophy says I've won/this race that was never run" etc etc. But that's my two cents. Overall it's a very good piece.

Thanks for the feedback, though I caution you against assuming that a poem written in the first person is about the author I appreciate your comments

---

Hi Humbert

are all the words needed. try to make it less of you telling a story show us a few things as well
not a bad effort, it seems like a lot but i doubt an edit would take too long. there's a decent poem here waiting for your love

thanks for the read

Posters fill the olive suede-textured walls,
and books that I like occupy wooden shelves.
My favorite music plays right beside my ear,
and I am quick to take its advice. what advice, this line feels like you know what it means, but it leaves the reader thinking wtf, a suggestion would be to give it some context
My closet overflows with my very own look; a suggestion would be [the] to start the line and [personality] instead of [very own look] add what type of personality, crazy, sexy, prissy etc
I’ve worked so hard to make it mine.
Works of art (my favorites!) do you mean [faovorite works of art]? we know they're yours you told us with the closet line and study desk lines, let the reader assume
are pinned to a cork-board that hangs
above my study desk.
Upon my dresser, my accomplishments change one of the my's
boast my merit and define my pride. for me, this is the end line. it sort of sums up what the poem is all about
I don’t fucking know me. for me, this line isn't needed. we're okay on the site with expletives but for some reason it doesn't ring as real.

Thanks for the comments billy! I did consider taking out some of the very words you suggested; I don't know why I kept some of them. I didn't include what the advice of the music was because I was hoping that the context of the poem might create the sense that it doesn't matter what the advice is. I guess that isn't clear enough if one looks at the poem formally, so I'll have to figure out a way to make it work.

As for the last line, I personally found it the most important line, and it was even the first line I actually wrote I'm not sure that without it the poem would get the message across that the line delivers.

Thanks a lot for the feedback

[makeshift]

Posters fill the olive suede-textured walls,
and books that I like occupy wooden shelves. Does "Wooden" add anything to this line?
My favorite music plays right beside my ear,
and I am quick to take its advice. What advice
My closet overflows with my very own look;
I’ve worked so hard to make it mine.
Works of art (my favorites!)
are pinned to a cork-board that hangs Interesting line break (:
above my study desk.
Upon my dresser, my accomplishments
boast my merit and define my pride.
I don’t fucking know me. don't care much for this ending

Well, I can certainly relate to the narrator here. I think this poem is very clear in what its trying to say, which is good imo imo. The ending to me just comes off as kinda angsty. I would suggest trying to use imagery, such as your doing with the rest of the poem, to express the idea.

Hope that helps,, just my 2 cents, thnx for sharing

[billy]

Hi Humbert.

feedback isn't written in stone, it's the reader's POV for you to use or discard in part or whole as you see fit :J:

i do know from my own writing that sometimes what i see as the most important part of a poem is sometimes the least relevant, that what i see as the writer isn't always what the reader sees. not saying you're wrong, i'm saying that i have been wrong with my own stuff over similar feelings.

if it works for you leave it in

As for the last line, I personally found it the most important line, and it was even the first line I actually wrote I'm not sure that without it the poem would get the message across that the line delivers.

Thanks a lot for the feedback

[Erthona]

A decent poem, but for me it could lose the two lines

"My favorite music plays right beside my ear,
and I am quick to take its advice."

and not lose anything Or at least not much. If you think about it awhile you can see how it might apply, but to me that is a distraction, and one can get the same idea without it. I think the dichotomy between the internal versus the externally created self image is pretty clear.

Dale

[ellajam]

Hi, Humbert,
This works well but I think you are missing some details that could draw the reader in more and make the poem more memorable. My main problem as a reader is I am missing the event that woke the narrator up in the final line. I think the poem would gain by some connection between all the description and the final line. Here are some notes:

Posters fill the olive suede-textured walls, Not a fan of "textured", suede olive would do.
and books that I like occupy wooden shelves. I'd drop "and", describe the books instead.
My favorite music plays right beside my ear, Plays inside my ear?
and I am quick to take its advice. Effective line, I'd drop "and",
My closet overflows with my very own look;
I’ve worked so hard to make it mine. maybe describe the look
Works of art (my favorites!)
are pinned to a cork-board that hangs
above my study desk.
Upon my dresser, my accomplishments What accomplishments?
boast my merit and define my pride.
I don’t fucking know me. What broke the busy, satisfied life to lead here?

I'd love to see what you could do with this, thanks for the read.

[ChristopherSea]

What I like most about this poem is the double entendre of 'Lying' (prone position versus untruths) in my room and the 'plot twist' of the room supposedly reflecting yourself while you ponder whether or not you even know yourself! If intended, excellent use of irony. I would play that up even further in your next edit. Cheers/Chris

[Humbert]

What I like most about this poem is the double entendre of 'Lying' (prone position versus untruths) in my room and the 'plot twist' of the room supposedly reflecting yourself while you ponder whether or not you even know yourself! If intended, excellent use of irony. I would play that up even further in your next edit. Cheers/Chris

You were the first to catch that, or at least point it out Thanks for the comments! I'm still trying to figure out how to solidify it.

---

Hi Humbert.

feedback isn't written in stone, it's the reader's POV for you to use or discard in part or whole as you see fit :J:

i do know from my own writing that sometimes what i see as the most important part of a poem is sometimes the least relevant, that what i see as the writer isn't always what the reader sees. not saying you're wrong, i'm saying that i have been wrong with my own stuff over similar feelings.

if it works for you leave it in

As for the last line, I personally found it the most important line, and it was even the first line I actually wrote I'm not sure that without it the poem would get the message across that the line delivers.

Thanks a lot for the feedback

I totally agree. It's very easy for an author to get caught up on an idea and lose perspective on what actually works for outside readers, or even what works in the context of a poem.

---

Hi, Humbert,
This works well but I think you are missing some details that could draw the reader in more and make the poem more memorable. My main problem as a reader is I am missing the event that woke the narrator up in the final line. I think the poem would gain by some connection between all the description and the final line. Here are some notes:

Posters fill the olive suede-textured walls, Not a fan of "textured", suede olive would do.
and books that I like occupy wooden shelves. I'd drop "and", describe the books instead.
My favorite music plays right beside my ear, Plays inside my ear?
and I am quick to take its advice. Effective line, I'd drop "and",
My closet overflows with my very own look;
I’ve worked so hard to make it mine. maybe describe the look
Works of art (my favorites!)
are pinned to a cork-board that hangs
above my study desk.
Upon my dresser, my accomplishments What accomplishments?
boast my merit and define my pride.
I don’t fucking know me. What broke the busy, satisfied life to lead here?

I'd love to see what you could do with this, thanks for the read.

Thanks for the feedback! I suppose a single "event" wasn't really intended to evoke the final line, but if the accumulations of descriptions did not effectively represent the cause, perhaps I should work on them a bit. Thanks for the notes! I'll keep them in mind

[rowens]

An example of something here would be:

Posters fill the olive suede-textured walls,
and books that I like occupy wooden shelves.
My favorite music plays beside my ear,
and I am quick to take its advice.

My closet overflows with my look;
I’ve worked so hard making it mine.
Works of art pinned to a cork-board
hang above my study desk.
On my dresser, my accomplishments
boast my merit and define my pride.
I don’t fucking know me.

That's what came to mind.

[Leanne]

Posts have been deleted. This is a critique forum, not a place to conduct arguments or to offer your own personal opinions on what poetry "should be"/ admin

[Humbert]

Posts have been deleted. This is a critique forum, not a place to conduct arguments or to offer your own personal opinions on what poetry "should be"/ admin

I don't recall any posts that I don't see here. Was this something I posted or a critique?

[Camels]

love this!! great imagery I could see your room and everything felt so nice until the last line haha but genius good job =]