Altoona (1977)

[71degrees]

Altoona (1977)

What I think about
sometimes
were the box cars
coupling
an engine, roundhouse
miles of track
leaving
across a river
its current, mud
and sand, concrete
pylons and branches
caught
in swirling water

the middle-of-town
siren, howling dogs
a park, Little League field
cracked tennis courts
winding dirt roads
beach, empty pavilion
late at night
part of her
left alone
the two of us
walking
music calling
to where insects sang
about one idea
at a time
many such stories
more beautiful
than answers

[heslopian]

Altoona (1977)

What I think about
sometimes
were the box cars Tense shift (to past) with "were".
coupling
an engine, roundhouse
miles of track
leaving
across a river
its current, mud This line doesn't quite connect with its predecessor as one sentence or clause. If you're not going to end lines with punctuation, why not create separate verses for each thought?
and sand, concrete
pylons and branches
caught
in swirling water Nice, pristine image. One of modernity versus nature.

the middle-of-town
siren, howling dogs
a park, Little League field Ditto the previous criticism about punctuation.
cracked tennis courts
winding dirt roads
beach, empty pavilion
late at night
part of her
left alone
the two of us
walking
music calling
to where insects sang
about one idea
at a time
many such stories
more beautiful
than answers

You clearly have a gift for small, sharp images, and there's a quiet profundity at work here. What this poem needs now, I think, is a little more texture; focus on depicting a single setting now and then, or be more direct with the narration. JMHO, of course. Thank you for the read

[71degrees]

Thanks for the read. Your first two thoughts tell me I'm on the right track. Aside from "tense shift" (which is correct) can you offer any suggestion as to how to get from "now" (first five words) to "then" (rest of poem)?

[ellajam]

Ha, I have those then and now at the same time problems, drives readers crazy even though it's clear to me.

What I think about
sometimes
are the box cars
that were coupling

What I think about
sometimes
are the box cars
that coupled

What I think about
sometimes
are the box cars
as they coupled

What I think about
sometimes
is how the box cars
coupled

What I think about
sometimes
is those box cars
coupled

Good luck, figure out how to keep your sound.

[tomoffing]

What I remember
sometimes
are the box cars
coupling
????

Although being a less engaged action this may alter your intention.

BTW your word selections create a slow pace despite the brevity of your lines. It works beautifully.

[billy]

i read the tense to and fro and as a suggestion, i have;

What I think about
sometimes

the box cars
my reason is the title which already shows the poems of another time.

though the shift in tense didn't hinder my read.

the last three lines while pretty take away from the whole image you have going on and tries to wrap it in toffee paper.
other than that it works for me in a good way. without the punctuation i had to read it a couple of times first but i see that as a good thing. a poem should make you want to read it a few times. one should i thing, grow into a decent poem

wish i could be more helpful

[71degrees]

Ha, I have those then and now at the same time problems, drives readers crazy even though it's clear to me.

What I think about
sometimes
are the box cars
that were coupling

What I think about
sometimes
are the box cars
that coupled

What I think about
sometimes
are the box cars
as they coupled

What I think about
sometimes
is how the box cars
coupled

What I think about
sometimes
is those box cars
coupled

Good luck, figure out how to keep your sound.

Thanks

---

What I remember
sometimes
are the box cars
coupling
????

Although being a less engaged action this may alter your intention.

BTW your word selections create a slow pace despite the brevity of your lines. It works beautifully.

Thank you. A voice of reason. Something to mull.

---

i read the tense to and fro and as a suggestion, i have;

What I think about
sometimes

the box cars
my reason is the title which already shows the poems of another time.

though the shift in tense didn't hinder my read.

the last three lines while pretty take away from the whole image you have going on and tries to wrap it in toffee paper.
other than that it works for me in a good way. without the punctuation i had to read it a couple of times first but i see that as a good thing. a poem should make you want to read it a few times. one should i thing, grow into a decent poem

wish i could be more helpful

Every "little bit" helps. Thanks. (toffee paper? lol )

[Swoonjet]

The imagery is really rich and saturated. I find it interesting how the other critiques are trying to fix the tense problem, however, I'm inclined to suggest you not use the idea of thinking about these things. They are already being expressed through verse. The character is already there in their mind. If the idea is more about this memory, then that's another thing.

Really like the rhythm of this work. I think it initiated some auditory hallucinations.

Good stuff. Keep it coming.

[71degrees]

The imagery is really rich and saturated. I find it interesting how the other critiques are trying to fix the tense problem, however, I'm inclined to suggest you not use the idea of thinking about these things. They are already being expressed through verse. The character is already there in their mind. If the idea is more about this memory, then that's another thing.

Really like the rhythm of this work. I think it initiated some auditory hallucinations.

Good stuff. Keep it coming.

Appreciate the support here, Swoonjet. Haven't had any auditory hallucinations since the late 70's. Rather miss them. Am warming to this site and all it has to offer. Thanks.