Struck By Lightning

[Simatong]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons."

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer?

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek.

[tectak]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding. The repeat of "here" does nothing of merit...you have no meter and so it seems pseudo-poetic to use the device
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. The "it" word is weak and made weaker in mysterious intent by using the conditionality of "yet". You should only use "yet" as contra...as eg "hers was a beautiful face YET she hid in the shadows". The whole stanza, loosely defined, is riddled with simplistic cliches. Try to redefine your terminology.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons." Who said that? Who said that? The device does NOT work. Better to designate the narrator here. It is just a floating, detached piece of piffle without doing so. I can see the cliches coming.

Into the abyss huge cliche I run, until beams of light enormous cliche pierce the veil of shadows.humungous REPEAT cliche. veil, veil What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? I am afraid to say this is now tedious and I really don't give a damn. It is the repetition that stultifies. Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? Who cares? And stop asking me questions. You must try to raise the curiosity level higher than you did, an unseen face is just not enough imagery, before you use this inquisitorial device. What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? Syntax broken. What or who has no answer? Elephant in pyjamas howler.

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. dreadfully contrived and predictable ending which probably sums the whole thing up nicely

Hi,
There is much to do. Even as prose (it is no where near rich enough in poetic devices to be anything else) it is weak and watery. You may wish to be enigmatic but fail to inject the vital element...curiosity. There is just not enough of anything to keep this reader interested...in fact, to be kind, it has a sort of deja vu about it that makes it mundane.
To rescue the piece, try to make at least a token attempt to introduce SOMETHING poetic into the body text...rhythm, meter, flow, rhyme, metaphor, imagery,,,at which point you may well discover the core of the piece. You have then a condensate. No repeated words (veil of this and that), no cliches (into the abyss is a bloody movie for pete's sake) and no padding (as I finally reach? Huh? I didn't even know you were on the blunder bus) .
Thanks for posting. I am not sure the concept is worthy of the edit BUT I would LOVE to be wrong. Give it a go.
I have moved this to mild where you may get more acceptable crit. How you respond determines where this piece ends up.
Best,
tectak

[Simatong]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding. The repeat of "here" does nothing of merit...you have no meter and so it seems pseudo-poetic to use the device
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. The "it" word is weak and made weaker in mysterious intent by using the conditionality of "yet". You should only use "yet" as contra...as eg "hers was a beautiful face YET she hid in the shadows". The whole stanza, loosely defined, is riddled with simplistic cliches. Try to redefine your terminology.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons." Who said that? Who said that? The device does NOT work. Better to designate the narrator here. It is just a floating, detached piece of piffle without doing so. I can see the cliches coming.

Into the abyss huge cliche I run, until beams of light enormous cliche pierce the veil of shadows.humungous REPEAT cliche. veil, veil What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? I am afraid to say this is now tedious and I really don't give a damn. It is the repetition that stultifies. Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? Who cares? And stop asking me questions. You must try to raise the curiosity level higher than you did, an unseen face is just not enough imagery, before you use this inquisitorial device. What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? Syntax broken. What or who has no answer? Elephant in pyjamas howler.

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. dreadfully contrived and predictable ending which probably sums the whole thing up nicely

Hi,
There is much to do. Even as prose (it is no where near rich enough in poetic devices to be anything else) it is weak and watery. You may wish to be enigmatic but fail to inject the vital element...curiosity. There is just not enough of anything to keep this reader interested...in fact, to be kind, it has a sort of deja vu about it that makes it mundane.
To rescue the piece, try to make at least a token attempt to introduce SOMETHING poetic into the body text...rhythm, meter, flow, rhyme, metaphor, imagery,,,at which point you may well discover the core of the piece. You have then a condensate. No repeated words (veil of this and that), no cliches (into the abyss is a bloody movie for pete's sake) and no padding (as I finally reach? Huh? I didn't even know you were on the blunder bus) .
Thanks for posting. I am not sure the concept is worthy of the edit BUT I would LOVE to be wrong. Give it a go.
I have moved this to mild where you may get more acceptable crit. How you respond determines where this piece ends up.
Best,
tectak

Thank you very much for your candor. You obviously feel quite strongly about poetry. It was nice of you to take the time to leave me your thoughts.
The poem itself was merely inspired by something I felt at the moment. I am sorry that it was below the caliber you consider poetic. I, however, had a lot of fun writing it, and am glad that I was able to read such impassioned commentary. Thanks again

[tectak]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding. The repeat of "here" does nothing of merit...you have no meter and so it seems pseudo-poetic to use the device
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. The "it" word is weak and made weaker in mysterious intent by using the conditionality of "yet". You should only use "yet" as contra...as eg "hers was a beautiful face YET she hid in the shadows". The whole stanza, loosely defined, is riddled with simplistic cliches. Try to redefine your terminology.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons." Who said that? Who said that? The device does NOT work. Better to designate the narrator here. It is just a floating, detached piece of piffle without doing so. I can see the cliches coming.

Into the abyss huge cliche I run, until beams of light enormous cliche pierce the veil of shadows.humungous REPEAT cliche. veil, veil What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? I am afraid to say this is now tedious and I really don't give a damn. It is the repetition that stultifies. Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? Who cares? And stop asking me questions. You must try to raise the curiosity level higher than you did, an unseen face is just not enough imagery, before you use this inquisitorial device. What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? Syntax broken. What or who has no answer? Elephant in pyjamas howler.

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. dreadfully contrived and predictable ending which probably sums the whole thing up nicely

Hi,
There is much to do. Even as prose (it is no where near rich enough in poetic devices to be anything else) it is weak and watery. You may wish to be enigmatic but fail to inject the vital element...curiosity. There is just not enough of anything to keep this reader interested...in fact, to be kind, it has a sort of deja vu about it that makes it mundane.
To rescue the piece, try to make at least a token attempt to introduce SOMETHING poetic into the body text...rhythm, meter, flow, rhyme, metaphor, imagery,,,at which point you may well discover the core of the piece. You have then a condensate. No repeated words (veil of this and that), no cliches (into the abyss is a bloody movie for pete's sake) and no padding (as I finally reach? Huh? I didn't even know you were on the blunder bus) .
Thanks for posting. I am not sure the concept is worthy of the edit BUT I would LOVE to be wrong. Give it a go.
I have moved this to mild where you may get more acceptable crit. How you respond determines where this piece ends up.
Best,
tectak

Thank you very much for your candor. You obviously feel quite strongly about poetry. It was nice of you to take the time to leave me your thoughts.
The poem itself was merely inspired by something I felt at the moment. I am sorry that it was below the caliber you consider poetic. I, however, had a lot of fun writing it, and am glad that I was able to read such impassioned commentary. Thanks again
Hi simatong,
It is not "below my standard". You posted it, though in the SERIOUS WORKSHOPPING FORUM..by implication, then , you wish to have it constructively mauled. That is what the workshopping forum is for. Read the rules.
By listening to others (better, worse and equal)and by commenting on THEIR work, you will begin to develop some idea of what poetry should mean to the widest possible slice of readers. If you only posted this piece to have the awsesome wowsers emetically eulogise over it then this is not the place to post it. We all try to improve...it is in the nature of the human psyche...and yes, I am serious about my comments on poetry but am long enough in the tooth NOT to be serious about poetry...it is far too subjective to pontificate on.
Best,
tectak

[ThePinsir]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding. here 2x isn't necessary
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. a familiar voice

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons." this is interesting. is it God talking?

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. I'd like to know more about this abyss, actually
What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? you already said the voice is familiar
Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? idk. you tell me.

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. ok, cool. a journey of self-discovery? those are fun

I kind of like what you have going here. Mystery and ambiguity can be fun. I think it needs a lot of work though. First, start with the line breaks. For a poem like this, try about 10 syllables per line, and maybe try adding some meter. I like the trace bits of personification and think you may be able to develop those images a bit more.

Honestly, what I liked most is that this reminds me of Luke's cave on Degobah

[Simatong]

Thank you very much for your candor. You obviously feel quite strongly about poetry. It was nice of you to take the time to leave me your thoughts.
The poem itself was merely inspired by something I felt at the moment. I am sorry that it was below the caliber you consider poetic. I, however, had a lot of fun writing it, and am glad that I was able to read such impassioned commentary. Thanks again
Hi simatong,
It is not "below my standard". You posted it, though in the SERIOUS WORKSHOPPING FORUM..by implication, then , you wish to have it constructively mauled. That is what the workshopping forum is for. Read the rules.
By listening to others (better, worse and equal)and by commenting on THEIR work, you will begin to develop some idea of what poetry should mean to the widest possible slice of readers. If you only posted this piece to have the awsesome wowsers emetically eulogise over it then this is not the place to post it. We all try to improve...it is in the nature of the human psyche...and yes, I am serious about my comments on poetry but am long enough in the tooth NOT to be serious about poetry...it is far too subjective to pontificate on.
Best,
tectak

Oh, yes. I have read the rules and understand them well. I posted this to see what the reaction would be. Nothing more and nothing less. If people like it, great. If not, oh well. While I expected criticism, I hadn't expected criticism the likes of yours. Yours had a certain bite to it that carried the clear implication that it wasn't the same caliber of poetry that you enjoy. That's fine. I hear your criticism, I analyze it, and I move on. I write what my heart tells me, and at the end of the day, that is what a poet is meant to do, at least that's how I feel. If you want to maul it, feel free to do so... See the body, rip its guts out and tear apart what's inside.

[Todd]

Oh, yes. I have read the rules and understand them well. I posted this to see what the reaction would be. Nothing more and nothing less. If people like it, great. If not, oh well. While I expected criticism, I hadn't expected criticism the likes of yours. Yours had a certain bite to it that carried the clear implication that it wasn't the same caliber of poetry that you enjoy. That's fine. I hear your criticism, I analyze it, and I move on. I write what my heart tells me, and at the end of the day, that is what a poet is meant to do, at least that's how I feel. If you want to maul it, feel free to do so... See the body, rip its guts out and tear apart what's inside.

Actually what makes me happy in your response is that I can see you don't buy into the concept of workshopping poetry, which is the purpose of this site. This allows me to ignore your poems freely. Thank you for saving me the time to spend on people that have different goals with their writing.

[Simatong]

Oh, yes. I have read the rules and understand them well. I posted this to see what the reaction would be. Nothing more and nothing less. If people like it, great. If not, oh well. While I expected criticism, I hadn't expected criticism the likes of yours. Yours had a certain bite to it that carried the clear implication that it wasn't the same caliber of poetry that you enjoy. That's fine. I hear your criticism, I analyze it, and I move on. I write what my heart tells me, and at the end of the day, that is what a poet is meant to do, at least that's how I feel. If you want to maul it, feel free to do so... See the body, rip its guts out and tear apart what's inside.

Actually what makes me happy in your response is that I can see you don't buy into the concept of workshopping poetry, which is the purpose of this site. This allows me to ignore your poems freely. Thank you for saving me the time to spend on people that have different goals with their writing.

I don't quite understand the passive-aggressive hostility. I don't mind the workshopping; in fact it had actually inspired me to take a different route with my poetry, but as I have said in other posts. I read the criticism, good or bad, analyze it, and move on. This is the process I use. I have already had some ideas and insights into what I can do with my other works down the line from some of the workshopping, but I absorb what I hear in my own way, taking or leaving the information I receive. If you have taken offense to anything that I have said or are rubbed the wrong way in such a manner to make you leave such passive-aggressive posts, then all I do is shrug. I cannot and will not try to please everyone. If you do not like my way of thinking and therefore don't want to read my writing, then I respect your feelings on the issue, and hope you find poetry and writers that are more in accord with your line of thinking.

---

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding. here 2x isn't necessary
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. a familiar voice

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons." this is interesting. is it God talking?

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. I'd like to know more about this abyss, actually
What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? you already said the voice is familiar
Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? idk. you tell me.

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. ok, cool. a journey of self-discovery? those are fun

I kind of like what you have going here. Mystery and ambiguity can be fun. I think it needs a lot of work though. First, start with the line breaks. For a poem like this, try about 10 syllables per line, and maybe try adding some meter. I like the trace bits of personification and think you may be able to develop those images a bit more.

Honestly, what I liked most is that this reminds me of Luke's cave on Degobah

Thank you for your insight. I will try editing this piece later on (maybe today or tomorrow). Actually, your insights (and those of tectak) have inspired me to go a bit deeper with this. Comparing the analysis as given by the two of you, I have a spark inside that I should thank you two for.

[tectak]

Thank you very much for your candor. You obviously feel quite strongly about poetry. It was nice of you to take the time to leave me your thoughts.
The poem itself was merely inspired by something I felt at the moment. I am sorry that it was below the caliber you consider poetic. I, however, had a lot of fun writing it, and am glad that I was able to read such impassioned commentary. Thanks again
Hi simatong,
It is not "below my standard". You posted it, though in the SERIOUS WORKSHOPPING FORUM..by implication, then , you wish to have it constructively mauled. That is what the workshopping forum is for. Read the rules.
By listening to others (better, worse and equal)and by commenting on THEIR work, you will begin to develop some idea of what poetry should mean to the widest possible slice of readers. If you only posted this piece to have the awsesome wowsers emetically eulogise over it then this is not the place to post it. We all try to improve...it is in the nature of the human psyche...and yes, I am serious about my comments on poetry but am long enough in the tooth NOT to be serious about poetry...it is far too subjective to pontificate on.
Best,
tectak

Oh, yes. I have read the rules and understand them well. I posted this to see what the reaction would be. Nothing more and nothing less. If people like it, great. If not, oh well. While I expected criticism, I hadn't expected criticism the likes of yours. Yours had a certain bite to it that carried the clear implication that it wasn't the same caliber of poetry that you enjoy. That's fine. I hear your criticism, I analyze it, and I move on. I write what my heart tells me, and at the end of the day, that is what a poet is meant to do, at least that's how I feel. If you want to maul it, feel free to do so... See the body, rip its guts out and tear apart what's inside.

...as I said, your response determines where this piece, and even perhaps where you,as a poet, end up I will leave it in Mild for the time
being. By the by, if you ONLY write what YOUR heart tells you to write you are using the wrong organ...judgement comes in many layers but on this site we try VERY hard to critique the POEM not the poet.
Best,
tectak

[Simatong]

Oh, yes. I have read the rules and understand them well. I posted this to see what the reaction would be. Nothing more and nothing less. If people like it, great. If not, oh well. While I expected criticism, I hadn't expected criticism the likes of yours. Yours had a certain bite to it that carried the clear implication that it wasn't the same caliber of poetry that you enjoy. That's fine. I hear your criticism, I analyze it, and I move on. I write what my heart tells me, and at the end of the day, that is what a poet is meant to do, at least that's how I feel. If you want to maul it, feel free to do so... See the body, rip its guts out and tear apart what's inside.

...as I said, your response determines where this piece, and even perhaps where you,as a poet, end up I will leave it in Mild for the time
being. By the by, if you ONLY write what YOUR heart tells you to write you are using the wrong organ...judgement comes in many layers but on this site we try VERY hard to critique the POEM not the poet.
Best,
tectak

Good to know. Thank you

[beaufort]

Hi,

I have taken your lines and condensed them - all of us have our own ideas about poetry. This, to me, uses your own thoughts, ideas, and words and makes for more palatable reading. I am a novice, these are just my thoughts to take or leave. Best to you.


Something is here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face, though familiar voices
call me to step forward, embrace the unseen,
chase the mystery that beckons.

Into the abyss I run,
until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows.
Who is it that brings me here?
I run to you at my own heart's yearning.

Searching in a world without answers,
I reach my destination,
yet see but a mirror with my own reflection-
for I am the answer that I seek.

[Bemh]

Something is here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face and yet calls out from the dark.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons."

Into the abyss I run, beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer?

As I finally reach my destination; I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek.

just a few changes I would make
-take it with a grain of salt

[No1wouldriotforless]

I really don't want to sound dismissive of a person's work.... but, I'm going to say it: this poem sounds like subtitles to a Japanese video game. All that I like here is the concept. I think the "introspection" and finding one's self concept can work.... but it needs some conduit aspect to aide that 'quest' for self.... otherwise it's uninteresting/undefined. I can't figure out how to rework said concept into language that is not overused. Sorry!

[Simatong]

Oh, yes. I have read the rules and understand them well. I posted this to see what the reaction would be. Nothing more and nothing less. If people like it, great. If not, oh well. While I expected criticism, I hadn't expected criticism the likes of yours. Yours had a certain bite to it that carried the clear implication that it wasn't the same caliber of poetry that you enjoy. That's fine. I hear your criticism, I analyze it, and I move on. I write what my heart tells me, and at the end of the day, that is what a poet is meant to do, at least that's how I feel. If you want to maul it, feel free to do so... See the body, rip its guts out and tear apart what's inside.

...as I said, your response determines where this piece, and even perhaps where you,as a poet, end up I will leave it in Mild for the time
being. By the by, if you ONLY write what YOUR heart tells you to write you are using the wrong organ...judgement comes in many layers but on this site we try VERY hard to critique the POEM not the poet.
Best,
tectak

Your first critique has given me an idea, and I am so looking forward to trying and revise my poem. I am super excited! Problem is, it is going to take me some time to get to this because I am going to be busy (It's ironic that the thing that is keeping me from writing is my actual job, which specifically requires this very skill...Aaaaugh! Work)
P.S. I have absolutely no understanding of stanzas or meters (I literally have no idea what these words even mean), so it may still not be so pleasing to the eye. I thank you in advance for your understanding

[billy]

for me this is out and out prose. not a prose poem but dedicated prose. it reads like snippets of a story. has no poetic devices
i'm not sure how to tie the title into the poem either.

thanks for the read.

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. a bit lord of the ringish that's too ambiguous

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons. reads like fluff, as though it's pretending to say something, it's a lamb in wolf's clothing. fine in a tale but not good in a poem.

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? again, this reads as fluff that doesn't actually go anywhere or show anything

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. a very weak ending, the journey to this point never showed me anything.

[71degrees]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons."

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer?

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek.

The Biblical implications are pretty cool. I like the echo of "here" b/c, well, it is "here" the reader will find the answer. Repeating it helps me. It doesn't matter if I agree w/this piece or not as long as the narrator does, and the way this is written, the narrator does. It actually has a start, a middle, and an end (destination). Pretty short trip, but since the narrator is smiling at the end, it must have been worth the trip

I'd like to think this is a smaller of a much longer piece. As Christians start Advent, Isaiah is in full swing. This reminds me of him. Thanks for posting.

[Simatong]

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark.

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons."

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer?

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek.

The Biblical implications are pretty cool. I like the echo of "here" b/c, well, it is "here" the reader will find the answer. Repeating it helps me. It doesn't matter if I agree w/this piece or not as long as the narrator does, and the way this is written, the narrator does. It actually has a start, a middle, and an end (destination). Pretty short trip, but since the narrator is smiling at the end, it must have been worth the trip

I'd like to think this is a smaller of a much longer piece. As Christians start Advent, Isaiah is in full swing. This reminds me of him. Thanks for posting.

Thank you for your comments. I want to add more to it, and I am getting more and more inspired to do so sooner rather than later.

---

for me this is out and out prose. not a prose poem but dedicated prose. it reads like snippets of a story. has no poetic devices
i'm not sure how to tie the title into the poem either.

thanks for the read.

Something is here, here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face and yet with familiar voice calls out from the dark. a bit lord of the ringish that's too ambiguous

"Step forward, curious child, and embrace the unseen. Chase the mystery that beckons. reads like fluff, as though it's pretending to say something, it's a lamb in wolf's clothing. fine in a tale but not good in a poem.

Into the abyss I run, until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows. What figure stands at the other side, a face unseen with voice so familiar? Is it you who brings me here? Or do I run to you at my heart's own yearning? What is it that I search for in the world with no answer? again, this reads as fluff that doesn't actually go anywhere or show anything

As I finally reach my destination, I see but a mirror with a smiling reflection, and the search ends. I have found myself; I am the answer that I seek. a very weak ending, the journey to this point never showed me anything.

Honestly, I find your critique to be the most helpful of all the critiques I have gotten so far on this website, and I thank you for calling it fluffy. Seriously. Sometimes as a poet, I forget to put a message into my poetry; kind of like backing a pie without adding the filling. Yeah, you have a foundation, but you need a bit more than that. To be fair, I wrote this on my Facebook wall in the spare of the moment, but again, I need to have a message in there. Thank you for reminding me of that. I seriously do appreciate it, and will be adding more soon. I want my pie to have some filling, something a reader can really sink their teeth into. Thanks again for the critique

---

Hi,

I have taken your lines and condensed them - all of us have our own ideas about poetry. This, to me, uses your own thoughts, ideas, and words and makes for more palatable reading. I am a novice, these are just my thoughts to take or leave. Best to you.


Something is here beyond the veil of understanding.
It hides its face, though familiar voices
call me to step forward, embrace the unseen,
chase the mystery that beckons.

Into the abyss I run,
until beams of light pierce the veil of shadows.
Who is it that brings me here?
I run to you at my own heart's yearning.

Searching in a world without answers,
I reach my destination,
yet see but a mirror with my own reflection-
for I am the answer that I seek.

Thank you for your insights.

---

I really don't want to sound dismissive of a person's work.... but, I'm going to say it: this poem sounds like subtitles to a Japanese video game. All that I like here is the concept. I think the "introspection" and finding one's self concept can work.... but it needs some conduit aspect to aide that 'quest' for self.... otherwise it's uninteresting/undefined. I can't figure out how to rework said concept into language that is not overused. Sorry!

No need to apologize. I thank you for your honesty. I am trying to see how I can rework this.