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[Feral Child]
Abandoned babe, thrown out like waste--
What woe does this poor child know!
Her hopeful future's been defaced.
Abandoned babe, thrown out like waste--
Her ties to humankind, erased.
Precocious hunter-gath'rer, though...
Abandoned babe, thrown out like waste:
What woe does such a child know?
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without out the title it wouldn't make much sense so it works in that respect.
i like that you slightly changed the last line but you left it half a foot short (i think)
a good effort.
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(12-16-2013, 04:01 PM)billy Wrote: without out the title it wouldn't make much sense so it works in that respect.
i like that you slightly changed the last line but you left it half a foot short (i think)
a good effort.
No, all the feet are there if you read "child" as two syllables, which is fine, and works best for my ear anyway.
L6 is painful though (gath'rer).
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Hi
Thought this was a strong read (about abortion !) until I came to the 3rd last line then got confused as to what it was about. The title does tell me but I had not made the connection as I was expecting something about a tarzan likie image. Perhaps something that would help make the connection to street / township children. Also I agree with True about the awkwardness of the gath'rer line.
A nice troilet well executed apart from that one bump, but for my read if you changed that one line it would be a whole different poem and this makes me question if you have your images sown up.
Thanks for the read - it made me think on things from both your write and my read - - both distressing but important to be discussed.
All the best AJ.
(12-16-2013, 12:45 PM)HalfOpenArms Wrote: [Feral Child]
Abandoned babe, thrown out like waste--
What woe does this poor child know!
Her hopeful future's been defaced.
Abandoned babe, thrown out like waste--
Her ties to humankind, erased.
Precocious hunter-gath'rer, though...
Abandoned babe, thrown out like waste:
What woe does such a child know?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(12-16-2013, 04:01 PM)billy Wrote: without out the title it wouldn't make much sense so it works in that respect.
i like that you slightly changed the last line but you left it half a foot short (i think)
a good effort.
doesn't it mess up the iambic tetrameter ?
and now we're going to discuss it instead of the poem just forget i said anything
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Discussing the finer points of tetrameter, when a poem is in that---I don't think that takes the thread off-topic, Master Billy. I think this is great, and like true said, if you read child like 2 syllables, it works.
You do need the title to know what it's about because it could be read as abortion, or dumpster baby--not someone just abandoned their child to the wilderness.
I liked.
mel.
