Dusk

[justcloudy]

Short poems scare me, so I thought I'd try one out. Thoughts appreciated.

_____________________

As day falls into night
and rising dark envelops
I sit on high rise stoop
watching three stars rise.

[heslopian]

Shouldn't L3 have an "a" before "high"? I assume you're aiming for haiku, though I'd say fudge that and just make it an ordinary short poem. It is pretty good, imbued with a soft and powerful clarity, a concision of image, needing no concrete purpose except to present itself. Thank you for the read

[justcloudy]

Nah wasn't at all going for haiku actually. ;p

I felt like the "a" you proposed in L3 made it a bit too rushed... no?

Thanks for the comments. =]

-justcloudy

[gilmored]

i think it should be. I sit on a highrise stoop/ watching three stars develop. it solves the rushed feel, ties it all together well, and gets rid of the double rise. just a sugestion tho. this is your poem

[Magpie]

Short poems scare me, so I thought I'd try one out. Thoughts appreciated.

_____________________

As day falls into night
and rising dark envelops
I sit on high rise stoop
watching three stars rise.

Hi justcloudy, the more I read this poem the more I'm beginning to really like it. I know you said that you weren't trying to write a haiku but I think it could possibly benefit from a haiku approach without the haiku structure. I would suggest thinking about dropping the first line and have it read something like

As rising dark envelops
I sit on high rise stoop
watching three stars rise.

"as rising dark envelops" together with the title would imply "As day falls into night" making it redundant. I agree about not having an 'a' before 'high rise stoop'. I did agree with the previous comment about the repetition of rise until I noticed 'rising', so I'm presuming three rises are intentional for three stars (orion?) perhaps then three lines could also work as a representation of three stars also.
Hope some of what I've said makes sense. Long poetry scares me, but I know what you mean about short poetry being scary also....
it's all damn scary....