From Outside a New Light

[timothylocke]

The song draweth nigh,
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne
for a basket without weave
To each seller is himself
Each himself to be sold
two penny for your strife,
all silver for half gold
Along and long tithe
since the river gave gain
A dark shift that drives on
a soft shadow through the rain
From ashes to ashes
For we all must fall down
A slim glance at king's eye
A fist curled for king's crown

[Malu]

The song draweth nigh,
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne Good
for a basket without weave Did you mean "basket without (a) weave" ?
To each seller is himself
Each himself to be sold Interesting
two penny for your strife, My two cents, a penny for your thoughts. And wouldn't it be two pennies, not two penny
all silver for half gold
Along and long tithe Along the long, reads weird
since the river gave gain gave gain, also reads weird
A dark shift that drives on
a soft shadow through the rain
From ashes to ashes Dust to dust
For we all must fall down This seems a bit uncreative
A slim glance at king's eye
A fist curled for king's crown I liked this

Didn't get the full story. Imagery was good, I think the story and meaning could be strengthened.

[jdeirmend]

The song draweth nigh,
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne
for a basket without weave
To each seller is himself
Each himself to be sold
two penny for your strife,
all silver for half gold
Along and long tithe
since the river gave gain
A dark shift that drives on
a soft shadow through the rain
From ashes to ashes
For we all must fall down
A slim glance at king's eye
A fist curled for king's crown

There's perhaps some sort of sense that can be made of this. Even so, it reads like a list of cliched expressions fit together in a clever rhyme scheme. Some of the lines are incoherent, and the general message, if there is one, seems extremely obscure. Also, the general consensus is that the use of archaic word-forms and phrasings (draweth, etc.) is a no-no for contemporary poetry. Why the general culture of today's poets and critics frown upon all of this, I'm not entirely sure, but part of it seems to be that it lends sort of a hokey air to whatever you're writing.

My suggestion: try and get your lines to make some sort of coherent sense. For instance, let's take this sequence:

The song draweth nigh,
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne
for a basket without weave

How exactly can a singer "deceive a pedesetal or a throne for a basket without weave?" The action denoted by the verb "deceive" simply doesn't apply here; a pedestal cannot, after all, be deceived, and nothing can be deceived for the sake of an inanimate object. Anyhow, I do not mean to be discouraging. I hope that gives you some clarity on what exactly it is you're putting out here for us.

[priya]

The song draweth nigh,
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne very good
for a basket without weave
To each seller is himself
Each himself to be sold I liked this, but didn't understand it.
two penny for your strife,
all silver for half gold
Along and long tithe This line seems a little off to me. I agree with Malu that it reads weird
since the river gave gain
A dark shift that drives on
a soft shadow through the rain I like this line a lot
From ashes to ashes
For we all must fall down Is this an allusion to the children's rhyme? I think this line seems a little obtrusive.
A slim glance at king's eye
A fist curled for king's crown

Although the poem's rhyme scheme and mechanics seemed fine to me, I had a hard time ascertaining meaning from this poem. The words were beautiful, but the message was clouded by your diction. The first three lines started to tell a story, but, starting from "for a basket without weave," I began to get confused. For the rest of the poem, though pretty for the most part, was indecipherable for me. However, I am new at critiquing poetry, so you should take that with a grain of salt.

[ThePinsir]

The song draweth nigh, draweth nigh and doth seem out of place with the rest of the work
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne
for a basket without weave i like
To each seller is himself
Each himself to be sold
two penny for your strife,
all silver for half gold
Along and long tithe
since the river gave gain
A dark shift that drives on
a soft shadow through the rain
From ashes to ashes
For we all must fall down pretty cliché. but maybe it works here...
A slim glance at king's eye
A fist curled for king's crown this is cool

an interesting read, but I really think you should clear things up. It's hard to discern a thing. a little ambiguity can be good...but this is impossible to interpret.

[johannat]

Full disclosure, I'm brand new to this, so weigh that when considering what I have to say!
Frankly, I found this mildly obscure; opaque-ish, if you will. The only real meaning that I managed to glean was a sort of negativity. It would be helpful to the average humble reader to have some sort of context or concept in mind when reading this, if you feel that something like this can be added without compromising your work.
Additionally, I couldn't help but wonder if you used this sort of language because you find it poetic, instead of because it says what you want it to say. This kind of phrasing has its place in poetry, of course, but I personally prefer to live in the present, and therefore I appreciate use of modern English.

[Graystar]

Hello Timothy, I loved this poem. It spoke to me and I was surprised by the other viewers who didn't just love it too.

The song draweth nigh, I loved this, it set a tone that is rare lately
for the singer doth deceive
A pedestal or a throne Excellent two lines, gives the singer a depth for me
for a basket without weave
To each seller is himself
Each himself to be sold Not fond of this second use of himself
two penny for your strife, pennies
all silver for half gold loved this!
Along and long tithe Not liking the along and long, use a different adjective
since the river gave gain
A dark shift that drives on
a soft shadow through the rain Do you really need to start this line with an a?
From ashes to ashes
For we all must fall down I loved this, it is from a childhood song and I felt it was perfect
A slim glance at king's eye do you need the in this? the king's eye
A fist curled for king's crown loved this

I love your poem just as it is it meant a lot to me, reminded me of ballads, I don't mean to offend my the suggestions I made.
With sincere joy,
Graystar