grey puddle (haiku)

[emerald13]

grey puddle
ticking quietly
a wing torn moth

©Gina

[ChristopherSea]

Hey, it's a real Haiku, I think. I really like the moth image! Lepidoptera are my favorite insects. My only suggestion with this one is to possibly re-examine 'ticking'. Although it goes well with the wing, it is harder to associate with the puddle. Unfortunately, I can't think of a substitute on the fly. Gina, see what you and others think./Chris

[Keaner222]

You could use the word waving or floating. I'm not sure it is really hard to relate a wing and a puddle

[billy]

grey puddle
ticking quietly
a wing torn moth

©Gina

i think ticking places it near the realms of senryu. but i do like the depth the poem gives me.

[trailertrash]

grey puddle
ticking quietly
a wing torn moth

©Gina

Hey, it's a real Haiku, I think. I really like the moth image! Lepidoptera are my favorite insects. My only suggestion with this one is to possibly re-examine 'ticking'. Although it goes well with the wing, it is harder to associate with the puddle. Unfortunately, I can't think of a substitute on the fly. Gina, see what you and others think./Chris

Agreed, it's a moth, not a clock or a bomb. The first word that came to mind was 'floundering', which sounds like a watery thing to do; but something that evokes the image of a ship listing to port, such as 'foundering' would be awesomely awesome, and sooo close. I can see that what you're going for is very nearly onomatopoeic, right?

[beaufort]

this is a little sad to me, makes one think of the brevity of life.

I'll add my vote for a replacement for ticking - how about "beating"? I picture it being almost like a pulsing (another possibility)

[John Galt]

I wonder if the thought here was that the moth tics as in "facial tic", the haiku works for me with that connotation.
Some people may even think that something can rest on the face of the water. (just a thought).
Enjoyed this. JG