TV genie

[tramiant]

the man who tells yet cannot teach
at present remains the one who draws
the attention of those that satisfy
vain curiosity

attention short
while meaning wanting,
one seeks the draw of
screen to take
the pain of days from forethought

format new yet medium old,
no new ideas expected from observation
as only actions may be observed
when intentions bear no merit

wishes granted nothing learned
time wasted, age advanced
none the wiser of life lapsed

[rowens]

It says something very simple and obvious in a very convoluted and tedious way.

[Malu]

the man who tells yet cannot teach Usually the case haha
at present remains the one who draws
the attention of those that satisfy
vain curiosity good

attention short short attention span, with the vocabulary used in this poem, I think you can find a better word than "short"
while meaning wanting, this line sounds weird
one seeks the draw of
screen to take
the pain of days from forethought

format new yet medium old,
no new ideas expected from observation
as only actions may be observed
when intentions bear no merit

wishes granted nothing learned
time wasted, age advanced
none the wiser of life lapsed Best stanza, so it makes for a good ending.

I liked idea of this poem, sometimes simple things can be told in a complicated way, or abstract way. I find poems like that to be fun. It allows for creative individual interpretations. Thanks for the read

[SoftWords]

the man who tells yet cannot teach
at present remains the one who draws
the attention of those that satisfy
vain curiosity

attention short - something is wanting here, the "short" does not satisfy; perhaps "dwindled" instead?
while meaning wanting, not sure what you mean here, because the lines that follow do not flow well, but perhaps this is just my inability to see
one seeks the draw of
screen to take
the pain of days from forethought maybe we're trying to lose the pain altogether, not just forethought? At least, thats why I watch TV

format new yet medium old,
no new ideas expected from observation
as only actions may be observed
when intentions bear no merit Perhaps just me, but there is hardly a tenable relationship between intentions percieved and new ideas formed. Besides, isn't the the no merit part simply our perception of it?

wishes granted nothing learned
time wasted, age advanced in my head, more interesting as "time advanced, age wasted"
none the wiser of life lapsed

Perhaps I should desist not understanding the rules too well, but words are compelling and I must play. If I say too much, please ignore me, I think too much.

SW

[Erthona]

the man who tells yet cannot teach
at present remains the one who draws (lineation makes no sense)
the attention of those that satisfy
vain curiosity

Try writing in sentences.

the man who tells yet cannot teach at present remains the one who draws the attention of those that satisfy vain curiosity

Is that a sentence?
"Who is "yet" and what is the man trying to tell him?"
Who is "at present" and why is the man unable to teach him?

Sometimes, very good writers can pull off not using punctuation, you re not one of those. write in grammatical sentences, and use punctuation.

As has been stated you seem to be trying to tell something that is already known, and then do so in the most convoluted way possible.

Poetry is not about making simple things complex, it is about making difficult things understandable. Profundity is not found in gibberish.

I'm really not trying to be unduly critical, but you seem to be like a number of people, who are under the misapprehension that writing in this way is somehow "poetic". The failure to use punctuation, write ungrammatical and unintentionally ambiguous sentences does not make something poetic.


Dale