Sorrow
#1
Over this land lies a bittersweet scent
of desert-shaped sorrow, of traveller's discontent
I'd be with her tomorrow, my promises keeping
But the sun was burning and my canteen was seeping
The sand burned my feet as the sky burned my eyes
And I doubted if ever I'd make it at all
Knowing the second that this moon will rise
My being, my presence, my heart and my soul
My dreams and my thoughts of the girl I admire
Will be torn apart by this dark desert's fire.

I gathered my hopes, ignoring my fears
But all that's to drink are the salt falling tears
And every salt drop touching this burning sand
Is more of her warmth slipping out of my hand
My body feels colder when the first bright stars rise
Every step I take takes more strength than the former
But when I dream of her bright blue eyes
I can feel her encouraging hand on my shoulder
I'll never stop walking, for this girl I admire 
Has lighted in me an unconquerable fire

Before me now walls of a great city loomed
I approached the gates and I hoped, I presumed
My love would be found here, in one of these straits
She was discovered by me, but unblessed by the Fates
I saw her lying, breathing slowly and low.
(I once crossed a desert to find my desire
But all I encountered was my soul's greatest foe):
Death I witnessed, love was never so dire
For the flames of my heart never reached higher
The day my love was killed by its fire. 
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#2
Last line first segment you made a small spelling error. "Will be teared apart by this dark desert's fire." Teared should be replaced with torn. Overall I love the theme and idea of your poem. Nice work.
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#3
Please read site rules and leave feedback on other poems before posting. Mod.
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#4
(08-31-2013, 02:12 PM)Obloquy Wrote:  Last line first segment you made a small spelling error. "Will be teared apart by this dark desert's fire." Teared should be replaced with torn. Overall I love the theme and idea of your poem. Nice work.

Two. Presence.
Lighted is arcaic. Lit.

As says this mod, too. Crit first. Be fair. Follow the rules.
Good to see you posting but...
Tectak
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#5
I'll change the spelling errors (I'm not a native..), although I do think I'll keep the arcaic "lighted" instead of "lit", if it's not too wrong. It sounds a whole lot better here, I think. As for the mod's remark, I'm sorry and I'll leave feedback on other poems right now.
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#6
(08-31-2013, 06:06 PM)casper-zakelijk Wrote:  I'll change the spelling errors (I'm not a native..), although I do think I'll keep the arcaic "lighted" instead of "lit", if it's not too wrong. It sounds a whole lot better here, I think. As for the mod's remark, I'm sorry and I'll leave feedback on other poems right now.
Good egg.
Best,
tectak
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