A War Hero

[jdguyb]

His hands have tasted death,
like a cool winter's chill.
His lungs have tasted a new breath,
for he now has a killer's will.

Does killing change a man?
He knows inside it does,
for he belongs to a new clan,
a clan with a killer buzz.

His return home is praised,
but inside he feels unjustified.
The war has made him crazed,
but unfortunetly he cant resist being modified.

Soon his life will consist of pleasures.
Golf, tennis and whatever else.
All of life's treasures,
are wrapped around his belt.

But he can never forget,
the look in the eyes he felt.
As he killed it is correct,
what all his enemies were dealt.

So live on war hero,
in your life of regret.
Draw your bow and arrow,
and live a life of neglect.

[Darkblue]

His hands have tasted death, Right off the bat, I like this image of hands tasting, but I think the somewhat cliched simile in the next line weakens it.
like a cool winter's chill.
His lungs have tasted a new breath,
for he now has a killer's will. Rework to omit "for he now." It reads a bit clunky.

Does killing change a man?
He knows inside it does,
for he belongs to a new clan, Again with the "for he."
a clan with a killer buzz. What do you mean by a "killer buzz"?

His return home is praised,
but inside he feels unjustified. Avoid using telling phrases like "he feels." Let the readers arrive at that themselves.
The war has made him crazed,
but unfortunetly he cant resist being modified. This line is way too long and reads awkwardly. Try omitting "unfortunately." All these concepts of being unjustified, crazed and modified are never really illustrated, and listing all of them at once takes emphasis away from each individual thing.

Soon his life will consist of pleasures.
Golf, tennis and whatever else. Instead of "whatever else," give another example of a pleasure.
All of life's treasures,
are wrapped around his belt. "Else" and "belt" are only near rhymes, which is inconsistent with the rest of the rhyming scheme.

But he can never forget,
the look in the eyes he felt. This line is hard to decipher and seems vague.
As he killed it is correct, Same with this line.
what all his enemies were dealt.

So live on war hero,
in your life of regret.
Draw your bow and arrow, Did you use "bow and arrow" just to make it rhyme? It was an unexpected image.
and live a life of neglect. What are you referring to with the word "neglect?"

This is an interesting poem with a lot of potential, but the rhyme scheme feels limiting. It works at first, but the rhymes gradually seem more forced. Try focusing less on form and more on the message you are trying to convey. I'm not saying you should rewrite this as a free verse poem, but play around with it until you find the form that works with the content. Give each stanza a clear purpose and flesh out the details. For example, you say the narrator feels like he is being modified, but why does he feel this way? What are some specific details and examples to back this up?

Good luck with future drafts!

[billy]

it's very wordy and uses a lot of cliche. i marked out one wordy line but there are lots if you take a good look.
it also reads as very generic and somewhat too poetic. that said some of the rhymes need fixing. at present there is no image of worth in the poem.

look at the last verse, if i'd have written it, what you're feedback be to me. there's some good pdf's on the site (see bottom of post) that give the new poet some direction) they may help in setting you off on the right foot.

thanks for the read.

His hands have tasted death,
like a cool winter's chill.
His lungs have tasted a new breath,
for he now has a killer's will. he has, instead of [for he now has]

Does killing change a man?
He knows inside it does, no need for inside
for he belongs to a new clan,
a clan with a killer buzz.

His return home is praised,
but inside he feels unjustified.
The war has made him crazed,
but unfortunetly he cant resist being modified.

Soon his life will consist of pleasures.
Golf, tennis and whatever else.
All of life's treasures,
are wrapped around his belt.

But he can never forget,
the look in the eyes he felt.
As he killed it is correct,
what all his enemies were dealt.

So live on war hero,
in your life of regret.
Draw your bow and arrow,
and live a life of neglect.

[TheWall0912]

His hands have tasted death,
like a cool winter's chill.
His lungs have tasted a new breath,
for he now has a killer's will.
I really like the way you started this stanza however I would try to find a new way to say the third line. Try using a word other than tasted, its repetitive because of the first line. But I really like its use in the first line!

Does killing change a man?
He knows inside it does,
for he belongs to a new clan,
a clan with a killer buzz.

His return home is praised,
but inside he feels unjustified.
The war has made him crazed,
but unfortunetly he cant resist being modified. I would get rid of unfortunately here

Soon his life will consist of pleasures.
Golf, tennis and whatever else.
All of life's treasures,
are wrapped around his belt.

But he can never forget,
the look in the eyes he felt.
As he killed it is correct,
what all his enemies were dealt.
This stanza just doesn't work with me, but I don't have any advice right now on how to change it.

So live on war hero,
in your life of regret.
Draw your bow and arrow,
and live a life of neglect. I really like the way you ended this

Great start! I really like this poem, just a few minor things I would change as listed above. I think you have some nice language here (seriously love the first line, a lot) but you can still clean it up a bit. My changes are JMHO though so take it or leave it. Good read, thanks!

[250xflo]

I really loved this as soon as I started reading! It almost gave me chills as straight away it draws a vivid picture and gives a great sense of empathy. It did lose me a little toward the end, only because of some little things such as "but unfortunetly he cant resist being modified" seemed a little out of place, I think the sentence was too long, great line though, just needs to be shortened a little.
Overall I loved it, top job