deleted

[Bunx]

Thought deleted out of the 64 bit world.
Long lost friend gone because she felt bogus.

Just one kiss for histories take? You said,
The earth will quake when we did what we meant.

When the Gods whisper in my window.
I never know when I should pray, or walk away.

Rumble, I heard wind in the room. Noises,
a ghostly exodus leaving our feelings behind.

"Have fun moving," she said with a tickle down my spine.
Thunder came crashing down from my feeble mind.

"You mean eating?" I suggested hunger prevailing.
I'll leave I thought. This morning and leave me woes
behind in this electric city.

[TheWall0912]

I think you have some really decent lines here, specifically "Thunder came crashing down from my feeble mind." But I don't really understand what this poem is about. Maybe try to paint the picture a little clearer. Like I said before, some of the lines are really nice, I just think you should work on making them connect a little better.

[cidermaid]

Hi Bunx,
still on my first couple of reads with this one but wanted to offer some encouragment and to say this one deserves a few more reads still.
I am getting a picture of a broken virtual relationship. I think you have done a great job with some of the imagery and the story is strong. I love the little twists of humour woven into the telling of the seperation pain.
This is misc so no crit unless you ask for it. But i do think this one could be moved into a crit board and stand up well.
All the best. AJ.

[Bunx]

the wall- thank you for the read, this poem is about a specific happening in my life. a girl i have known forever, mostly on the internet gets deleted out of my heart. it is a poem mostly about how technology has messed up relationships.
cidermaid- thanks for at least a couple reads you are absolutely right about the virtual relationship, i would say it adds elements of both real and fictional. and how to virtual effects the real.