New - and first draft... beginning poetry.

[abillmyre]

The first time I saw him, was long ago
when life was easy, and I was whole.
I stared at him, as he looked away
not telling the world, what he had to say
He was quiet and cute, but angry inside
for life wasn't fair, to the boy with green eyes
Today I live broken and torn
blaming the world for a heart scorned
I've been cheated and abused
I lost my light to the accused
Only to become, untrusting and stale
praying to god, that love won't fail
Holding him tight, our wounds become healed
the hurt becomes past, and our scars concealed
Our love is strong, and our past disguised
I'll never let him go, the boy with green eyes.

[hardon]

Breddy gud. Breddy sad. Rhythm is a bit off here I can't seem to read it right, it halts and is a jerky read for me but does it matter? Depends who you ask. I wouldn't compromise content for a smoother read.
You've got a few christmas present rhymes in here but nothing cringeworthy, if you're only just starting out I think it's a pretty good poem. Someone else will probably be able to dissect it and put every flaw under the magnifying glass. Anyway, keep writin'.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

The first time I saw him, was long ago
when life was easy, and I was whole.
I stared at him, as he looked away
not telling the world, what he had to say
He was quiet and cute, but angry inside
Don't know how you could tell he was angry inside
by starring at him. but it could work.
for life wasn't fair, to the boy with green eyes
no comma needed
Today I live broken and torn
blaming the world for a heart scorned
I've been cheated and abused
I lost my light to the accused
Only to become, untrusting and stale
praying to god, that love won't fail
Holding him tight, our wounds become healed
the hurt becomes past, and our scars concealed
Our love is strong, and our past disguised
I'll never let him go, the boy with green eyes.

Believe you could get some more imagery in the piece to add that depth.
The rhyming was basic but worked.

[billy]

leave feedback elsewhere and we'll lift the ban. /admin

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