Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2013
I'm disconcerted,
nervous
and other words
from the thesaurus
I'm overwrought,
super hot
I kinda hope
they heard us
hip to your trip
I fumble, unzip
still wet with the spit
you left on my lip
better health
from moaning in tune
tealights, we spoon
disarming
Julia, whatever you offer me,
I'll fit the role
you were the best nightmare
that I just woke up from.
love is for assholes
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Hi there. I enjoyed the tone and the humour throughout, especially the first stanza which sets the narrator up nicely. Even rhyming tune and spoon is done in a light way, so it doesn't sound cheesy as it might have.
I tend to think that the last lines -- from "Julia" -- don't really fit. They seem like another poem entirely.
It could be worse
Posts: 12
Threads: 3
Joined: Jul 2013
You know what, you're right
Stupid introspective poetry always ends up like this, kinda like painting you know what it's supposed to look like then someone else walks by and they're like ''what?'' because I know what I meant to say with this and the ending but no one else does because obviously it's an emotional outlet so only I know the details. I'll see if I can maybe redo that or just scrap the ending
Also, thanks, I like writing tongue-in-cheek because otherwise it's so so easy to end up in cliché country esp when it comes to romantic poetry
love is for assholes