Mindfield

[Vistaldust]

Mindfield

Beats came in, told it true,
pealing away Victorian glue.
Rain-soaked buds they slowly grew,
till I watched them die
Picasso blue.

I away with boot and lace,
to till the ground of Freud and Jung.
Up from the soil an old sex frame,
ugly with beauty,
muddy with shame.

Seeds scatter broadly
among the weeded fields.
They dampen in deep fissures,
Without samadhic yield.

Mater est Pater pack them best.
Their voices swell the almond mesh.
Synaptic dancers pound the ground,
Can the bodhi within ever mute the sound?

---

I'm ready for some shredding, but I am stuck on the idea of juxtaposing psychoanalysis with digging in a field. I'm just tired of playing with it so I threw it on here for help.

[Vistaldust]

Mindfield

Beats came in, told it true,
pealing away Victorian glue.
Rain-soaked buds they slowly grew,
till I watched them die
Picasso blue.

I away with boot and lace,
to till the ground of Freud and Jung.
Up from the soil an old sex frame,
ugly with beauty,
muddy with shame.

Seeds scatter broadly
among the weeded fields.
Dampened in deep fissures,
Without samadhic yield.

Mater est Pater pack them best.
Their voices swell the almond mesh.
Synaptic dancers pound the ground,
Can the bodhi within ever mute the sound?

---

I'm ready for some shredding, but I am stuck on the idea of juxtaposing psychoanalysis with digging in a field. I'm just tired of playing with it so I threw it on here for help.

[billy]

request removed

the critique boards are not request boards. /admin

---

i think it's a good attempt at mixing the two but not quite good enough.
i'm not sure of what connections are being made with some of the things you brought into the poem, victorian, picasso, i suppose anything can be analysed though so it could be me whose not seeing them. for me the poem needs a bit more cohesion. in parts it feels like a rhyming poem, if it is sort out the rhyme scheme, if it isn't remove what end rhymes you have. the metaphor of field work could be better used. some words could be removed, (more than i pointed out in the poem)

all in all it seem there's lot i'm not keen on and there are but they're mainly niggly things that you could fix without to much trouble

thanks for the read.

Mindfield

Beats came in, told it true,
pealing away Victorian glue. i have no idea what this refers to unless it's the victorian prudish puritanism which was a bit of a sham i like the use of pealing instead of peeling
Rain-soaked buds they slowly grew, is [they] needed?
till I watched them die is[till] needed?
Picasso blue.

I away with boot and lace,
to till the ground of Freud and Jung.
Up from the soil an old sex frame,
ugly with beauty,
muddy with shame. i like these two lines. i may have heard the ugly line before but i like them both equally. i think they encompass two of feelings of self hate

Seeds scatter broadly
among the weeded fields.
They dampen in deep fissures,
Without samadhic yield.

Mater est Pater pack them best.
Their voices swell the almond mesh.
Synaptic dancers pound the ground,
Can the bodhi within ever mute the sound?

---

I'm ready for some shredding, but I am stuck on the idea of juxtaposing psychoanalysis with digging in a field. I'm just tired of playing with it so I threw it on here for help.

[Vistaldust]

Thanks, Billy. I appreciate it! We'll see what happens,

[milo]

Mindfield

Beats came in, told it true,
pealing away Victorian glue.
Rain-soaked buds they slowly grew,
till I watched them die
Picasso blue.

normally I would balk at the inversion here, but they are consistent and, hey, you are talking about transitions of poetic movements so it might work. "pealed" would be better than "pealing" I am not as sold as billy on "peal" over "peel" but it is your poem. Picasso Blue is inspired. "till" is superfluous.

I away with boot and lace,
to till the ground of Freud and Jung.
Up from the soil an old sex frame,
ugly with beauty,
muddy with shame.

whatever rhyme and meter you had going on fell apart here. I want "I away" to work, but it keeps not working anyway, you may want to try a verb. "ugly with beauty" "muddy with shame" may be good phrases, but they are "telly" and abstract and you may need a better framework to support them than you currently have.

Seeds scatter broadly
among the weeded fields.
They dampen in deep fissures,
Without samadhic yield.

I like that you are, for the most part focusing on concrete imagery. They dampen in deep fissures without samadhic yield is awkward. It makes me wonder, do they /not/ dampen if there is samadhic yield?

Mater est Pater pack them best.
Their voices swell the almond mesh.
Synaptic dancers pound the ground,
Can the bodhi within ever mute the sound?

---

"almond mesh" throws me. I think you can trim "within" safely.

Overall I like it but I think there are spots you are getting caught up in /what/ you want to say and poetry is about /how/ you say it.

[Vistaldust]

Okay, I got deep on "almond" mesh. The amygdala of the brain is an almond-shaped network of neurons where emotions reside. So the voices of mother and father fill our emotional center the deepest during our formative years. Thanks, Milo.

[milo]

Okay, I got deep on "almond" mesh. The amygdala of the brain is an almond-shaped network of neurons where emotions reside. So the voices of mother and father fill our emotional center the deepest during our formative years. Thanks, Milo.

the almond thing may be a little obtuse, see if anyone else gets it, but I never would have.

[Vistaldust]

[quote='Vistaldust' pid='131392' dateline='1372818154']
Okay, I got deep on "almond" mesh. The amygdala of the brain is an almond-shaped network of neurons where emotions reside. So the voices of mother and father fill our emotional center the deepest during our formative years. Thanks, Milo.

the almond thing may be a little obtuse, see if anyone else gets it, but I never would have.
[/

Darn, I was hoping you were all neurosurgeons who dabbled in poetry. By the way, I'm reading some poetry on top of what I am reading on here (Cummings, Ginsberg, Corso), and the suggestions you wrote down work! It makes poetry reading much more fun and interesting - like putting a puzzle together. Still pretty challenging.

[milo]

Okay, I got deep on "almond" mesh. The amygdala of the brain is an almond-shaped network of neurons where emotions reside. So the voices of mother and father fill our emotional center the deepest during our formative years. Thanks, Milo.

the almond thing may be a little obtuse, see if anyone else gets it, but I never would have.

Darn, I was hoping you were all neurosurgeons who dabbled in poetry. By the way, I'm reading some poetry on top of what I am reading on here (Cummings, Ginsberg, Corso), and the suggestions you wrote down work! It makes poetry reading much more fun and interesting - like putting a puzzle together. Still pretty challenging.

there may be some neurosurgeons and many may get it. It is good when you have references like that for there to be 2 meanings that way it still reads good for those who don't get it, especially if there is nothing for them to google to help. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qbep2KEueQ

As for poetry, billy has put up some excellent collections right on this sight. I would recommend listening to some of the readings as well. I may have even read some of the readings.

[R.C. KITCHENS]

Mindfield

Beats came in, told it true,
pealing away Victorian glue.
Rain-soaked buds they slowly grew,
till I watched them die
Picasso blue.

I away with boot and lace,
to till the ground of Freud and Jung.
Up from the soil an old sex frame,
ugly with beauty,
muddy with shame.
ugly with beauty, muddy with shame. I feel like a more concrete image could come here. I also agree with milo,The rhyme and meter broke off a bit.
Seeds scatter broadly
among the weeded fields.
They dampen in deep fissures,
Without samadhic yield.

Mater est Pater pack them best.
Their voices swell the almond mesh.
Synaptic dancers pound the ground,
Can the bodhi within ever mute the sound?

---

I'm ready for some shredding, but I am stuck on the idea of juxtaposing psychoanalysis with digging in a field. I'm just tired of playing with it so I threw it on here for help.

I liked most of it, I agree what Billy and Milo pointing out that certain words could be removed and it will still read well.