Posts: 54
Threads: 33
Joined: Feb 2010
Back from a short hiatus. I told a couple people from school about this website, and to tell their friends. I`m not sure, if they joined however. I`ll continue to tell others though!
gently he grabs
me by my waist
caressing my stomach
arousal has began
deep in
he lays me on the bed
passionately swimming
inside me
water all over him
even left on the sheets
excitement crawling down my spine
the speech my mother gave me
thrown out the window
at, this point
i`m enjoying me and him
making love
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
05-31-2010, 09:36 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-31-2010, 12:57 PM by billy.)
(05-31-2010, 09:23 AM)Loveblind Wrote: Back from a short hiatus. I told a couple people from school about this website, and to tell their friends. I`m not sure, if they joined however. I`ll continue to tell others though!
gently he grabs
me by my waist
caressing my stomach
arousal has began
deep in
he lays me on the bed
passionately swimming
inside me
water all over him
even left on the sheets
excitement crawling down my spine
the speech my mother gave me
thrown out the window
at, this point
i`m enjoying me and him
making love
thanks LB,
i do enjoy the last verse immensely
for me this one (apart from the last stanza which i love.) comparing it to the head giving poem, feels a little weak and passionless
needs a bit of original spice in my opinion LB. (don't change the last verse though)
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Will just point out a couple of grammar errors, no biggie
(05-31-2010, 09:23 AM)Loveblind Wrote: gently he grabs
me by my waist
caressing my stomach
arousal has began begun
deep in
he lays me on the bed
passionately swimming
inside me
water all over him
even left on the sheets
excitement crawling down my spine
the speech my mother gave me
thrown out the window
at, no need for the comma this point
i`m enjoying me and him
making love
billy mentioned it being a little weak, and I think you can add a lot of drama just by rephrasing some of the lines. For instance, the first line
"gently he grabs me
by the waist"
if you instead say
"he grabs me
gently by the wait"
then the first line 'he grabs me' puts the reader in a state of tension, before they relax when they realize the full meaning by the second line. Use the lines and stanzas as a tool to break up the meaning and hold out bits and pieces of the story. writers must be both candid and coy
Make no mistake, you still have a good poem in here. That last verse, particularly those opening lines, really caught me
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
