Betrayal

[ivey2terry]

My heart stopped beating,
The time stood still.
I thought we would last forever,
But lust arrived for the kill.

She said she was in love.
I couldn't bear to object.
As I looked into his eyes,
I saw delight and ominous disrespect.

With my bruising face,
And my unnerved spirit.
I can no longer be oblivious.
He corrupted me. I can finally admit it.

But when I tried to accuse,
I appeared as the villain.
Trying to bring out the truth,
The betrayal blurred my vision.

I wanted to confront,
I couldn't do it on my own.
Friends forever? Screw that.
I was alone.

[billy]

Hi ivy, first off, it's great to see you giving feedback before posting.

now the poem;
you start the poem using three very overused clichés. another big problem you have is meter. poems that attempt to rhyme as yours does are helped immensely with good meter see about meter here

i'd suggest working through a couple of verses with an edit and a bit of help off some of the members in the forum. and then having a go at finishing off the poem on your own i'm about to take a bath but if you want to go through it and would like some help i'll be back in about 30 mins or so.

My heart stopped beating,
The time stood still.
I thought we would last forever,
But lust arrived for the kill.

She said she was in love.
I couldn't bear to object.
As I looked into his eyes,
I saw delight and ominous disrespect.

With my bruising face,
And my unnerved spirit.
I can no longer be oblivious.
He corrupted me. I can finally admit it.

But when I tried to accuse,
I appeared as the villain.
Trying to bring out the truth,
The betrayal blurred my vision.

I wanted to confront,
I couldn't do it on my own.
Friends forever? Screw that.
I was alone.