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Joined: May 2013
At every beginning the flashes appear
The vicious look makes you go for it
Dragged and distracted
You have no thoughts left in mind
Suddenly the sky crushes on you
Chills have crawled underneath the skin
The bones tremble
You are fascinated by it's dark beauty
Hope patiently rises
Thoughts are coming back
Trembles and shakes are real
The thunder hits the ground
Confusion grows
You are scared to death
Sound of wind's blows disappears
Straight from nowhere emotions erupt
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Joined: Apr 2013
Hi dusboss,
There is something in this poem that I really like, certain parts of it do conjure up very strong images. I've also just read your other poem and the comments and your replies, so I have great respect that you are writing poetry in a different language. So that said, I won't be too critical about spelling and grammar. I do think that the poem would be improved with punctuation, because then you could control the flow of how you want it to be read.
The 3rd line of the first stanza stands out with its alliteration, meaning the two words with beginning with the letter 'd', "dragged and distracted", very good. Although I wouldn't use 'dragged' again like you have done in the second stanza. Also the second last line of the poem is very confusing, am not quite sure what you meant perhaps "Cold winds disappear" there wouldn't be an apostrophe on winds.
But I really do get what you were trying to portray, and all those little faults will get better as you write more. If you were to post this poem in mild critique then people would possibly go through it line by line, and this would benefit you a lot.
But all in all I am very impressed and as I said before, I respect you for writing in a foreign language.
Thanks for the read, hope that this will be of some help.
All the best.
AR
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 13
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Joined: May 2013
Thank you for support and advice, I am glad that you like it. Grammar is definitely what I should work on...
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05-11-2013, 06:12 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-11-2013, 06:41 PM by billy.)
the poem;
lightening hits the ground thunder is a noise that is made in air.
the 1st stanza feels weak in that it feels off the point. what vicious look?
what is meant by dragged and distracted? at present the poem has very little glue holding it together. things like 'the bones tremble' are overly dramatic. bewrae cliche like 'you are scared to death' use some images and the poem will get better. while we'll help with the english as much as we can, we're not english teachers. in places it shows through as a 2nd or 3rd language. i'd suggest doing some english lessons in tandem with the poetry
(05-11-2013, 01:20 AM)dusboss Wrote: At every beginning the flashes appear
The vicious look makes you go for it
Dragged and distracted
You have no thoughts left in mind
Suddenly the sky crushes on you
Chills have crawled underneath the skin
The bones tremble
You are fascinated by it's dark beauty
Hope patiently rises
Thoughts are coming back
Trembles and shakes are real
The thunder hits the ground
Confusion grows
You are scared to death
Sound of wind's blows disappears
Straight from nowhere emotions erupt
Posts: 13
Threads: 4
Joined: May 2013
(05-11-2013, 06:12 PM)billy Wrote: as a workshop, we require those who post poetry in novice, mild, or serious crit, to leave feedback elsewhere. please do so.
the poem;
lightening hits the ground thunder is a noise that is made in air.
the 1st stanza feels weak in that it feels off the point. what vicious look?
what is meant by dragged and distracted? at present the poem has very little glue holding it together. things like 'the bones tremble' are overly dramatic. bewrae cliche like 'you are scared to death' use some images and the poem will get better. while we'll help with the english as much as we can, we're not english teachers. in places it shows through as a 2nd or 3rd language. i'd suggest doing some english lessons in tandem with the poetry
(05-11-2013, 01:20 AM)dusboss Wrote: At every beginning the flashes appear
The vicious look makes you go for it
Dragged and distracted
You have no thoughts left in mind
Suddenly the sky crushes on you
Chills have crawled underneath the skin
The bones tremble
You are fascinated by it's dark beauty
Hope patiently rises
Thoughts are coming back
Trembles and shakes are real
The thunder hits the ground
Confusion grows
You are scared to death
Sound of wind's blows disappears
Straight from nowhere emotions erupt
Well I posted a couple of feedback on a poems in here in novice section, if necessary, I could post in other sections but I am not an expert so I can't criticize with knowledge attached , I could only express my personal opinion on a poem.
Vicious look is of flashes(or should I say looks?), you are dragged and distracted by it's looks and because of that it is impossible to think.
Do you suggest turning a poem into past tense?
I always try to avoid clinches but somehow this "scared to death" came across as right line to get into the song.
As I said I will definitely work on grammar.
Thank you for feedback
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Joined: Dec 2009
thats fine, (i took my request down
the more feedback people give, the more they'll get. if you can try and be honest in what you say and say why or why not something works for you. thanks for listening
once we understand what we're doing (I'm still learning as well) we can add a cliche knowing it's a cliche. and make it do some work for us. but till then, i'd advise to stay away from them as much as possible. it doesn't matter about tense as long as it's constant. it sound like your trying to anthropomorphise the lightening, or that the flashes look vicious. if the latter then you should change the syntax you have to
their vicious look
what is meant by ' makes you go for it"
i suspecting you mean "run for it"
Their vicious look makes you run for it
