Astral Projection in Nightmares

[billy]

V.3
Astral Projection in Nightmares

Shadows mist and seep through seams i prefer this line, it has a more solid wisp about it
Morphed in threads of mundane life
Becoming complex patterned dreams
To weave these trailing webs of strife

And from these fragile, fractured streams
No meed or recompense be bought
As darkness covers day’s last gleam
It summons spirits overwrought

Substance seeks a hallowed haven
There to gain some sweet reprieve the meter works well
Clash of will ‘tween dove and raven
And caverns echo cries of grief

A coffin-weight of worry grows
will this requiem not ebb?
spider venom boosts the flow
On veins of deconstructed web a more solid verse and ai like the ebb and flow you worked in.

Feelings stripped and badly flayed
With chords of tension holding taut
Solace cloaked in darkening spray
Where pure will can, and must, be sought. pure is much better than truth

To deviate from one’s true course
Will take from where the answers lie
Bravely face opposing force
For mystic bird of peace to fly

Rest is claimed with this now ending
Amidst a bright and shimm’ring glow again, this meter feels better.
Unveiling mists from light transcending
Revealing higher realms on show

A soul is salved in darkened hour
And once fractured thoughts, restored
Free from turmoil’s dreaded scour if i had a nit now, this line would be it...(i have no idea why aprt from i feel the end rhyme's forced)
To journey back on silver chord.


ok, I think I have addressed the various suggestions raised (Leanne, Billy and Todd) hopefully the replacement for 'invoking astral planes line hasn't messed it up by being too 'lispy'! though I honestly can't tell if meter is off in it either!
Billy, as I said to Todd, line by line serious crit. doesn't worry me, go for it, tear it (not me )apart if needs be, I just can't return the help , I write on gut, and tone and with a lot of help obviously! the rules are mostly beyond me
Leanne, the lines you fixed for me had 7 syllables, I aimed for 8 in each line, when you get a chance can you explain this to me if poss. after your coffee obviously ...I just had a 3 shot so I might just have to replace spiders for bees to reflect the buzz (I get 3 syllables in requiem also, I just say it faster...probably the caffeine!

Addy, thank you for your feedback on POV, it is something I wasn't watching out for, am hoping the corrections help it more, not less, but the aim is more a universal one as everyone battles demons in nightmares, in some form or another I imagine, it is not meant to be from a narrator exp. I thought perhaps the good/bad, light/dark etc would universal "'ise " that, it is something I will have to be more aware of so thank you for pointing it out

i think you did a great edit. my only nit is just that a nit. while i said in the body of the poem the meter felt right, don't take my word for it because i'm crap at it but it does flow much better.

thanks for the edit