07-22-2012, 07:19 AM
Phaedra. I like this, you seem to do this sort of thing much better than your rhymed poetry.
I'd stick a full stop at the end of the first line - make it stand out.
I'd question whether you need these lines
We soon forget the nature,
pretend that there was no life,
only the dream of a breath.
the descriptions say much more. moans choked with crusts is very effective.I like most of the last verse, too. You could rearrange a little
Exhausted, the torment is tender,
the forsaken flavours
of flesh entice, death digests,
drips down from lips,
shame pushed aside for pleasure,
cut to the bone.
Best Wishes, Ray
I'd stick a full stop at the end of the first line - make it stand out.
I'd question whether you need these lines
We soon forget the nature,
pretend that there was no life,
only the dream of a breath.
the descriptions say much more. moans choked with crusts is very effective.I like most of the last verse, too. You could rearrange a little
Exhausted, the torment is tender,
the forsaken flavours
of flesh entice, death digests,
drips down from lips,
shame pushed aside for pleasure,
cut to the bone.
Best Wishes, Ray
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.