Astral Projection in Nightmares

[Paddygirl]

hey paddy
haven't had a chance to look through the other posts extensively, so i hope one or two things can help

V.3
Astral Projection in Nightmares

Shadows mist and seep through seams
Morphed in threads of mundane life
Becoming complex patterned dreams
To weave these trailing webs of strife ...i feel as though i'm entering a Grimm fairy tale or something. the lines themselves don't leave me with a lot to actually imagine though. . This is the lead in to the nightmare where the battle for good and bad occurs, but it is ambitious because it is harder to recall exact events

And from these fragile, fractured streams
No meed or recompense be bought
As darkness covers day’s last gleam
It summons spirits overwrought

Substance seeks a hallowed haven
There to gain some sweet reprieve
Clash of will ‘tween dove and raven...i like this image
And caverns echo cries of grief

A coffin-weight of worry grows
will this requiem not ebb? ...flow felt a bit off on this for me yep, I agree, it was a replacement line, will need to look at this again I think
spider venom boosts the flow
On veins of deconstructed web

...too this point, the line breaks feel a bit too regular for me--it basically happens every time a new clause or prepositional phrase is introduced. i think some enjambment would freshen some of the lines

Feelings stripped and badly flayed
With chords of tension holding taut
Solace cloaked in dark'ning spray...flow again disrupted me ' smoother?
Where pure will can - and must, be sought ...the "will can, and must, be", when read the wrong way, feels crowded with verbs

To deviate from one’s true course
Will take from where the answers lie
Bravely face opposing force
For mystic bird of peace to fly

Rest is claimed now this has ended
Amidst a bright and shimm’ring glow
Unveiling mists from light transcended
Revealing higher realms on show...lots of -ings to focus on Better ?

A soul is salved in darkened hour
And once fractured thoughts, restored...flow struck me as off here too and was put in to help stress but think it hinders low
Free from turmoil’s dreaded scour
To journey back on silver chord.


Hi Philatone, apologies for late reply, we have issues with our phone line and are waiting on Phone co.yet again as we continually lose landline/Internet! Only another week or so before they can get back
Thank you very much for your feedback, all good advice, have put in a few changes but need to revise some of it, enjambment would certainly cause a major rework
Always helpful to get additional info. And points of view. Thanks again!

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Grey shadows fall and seep through seams
Morphing threads of mundane life
Becoming complex patterned dreams Lovely image!
By weaving trailing webs of strife

And from these fragile, fractured streams
No meed or recompense be bought I thought meed meant the same thing as recompense?
As darkness covers days last gleam
Invoking astral planes so fraught

Substance seeks a hallowed haven
In which to gain some sweet reprieve
Clash of will ‘tween dove and raven
And caverns echo cry's of grief

A coffin-weight of worry grows
And thus portends with sagging dread
When everywhere an ill-wind blows
On veins of deconstructed web Love this image!

Feelings stripped and harshly flayed
With chords of tension holding taut
Solace cloaked in darkening spray
Where true will can, and must, be sought

To deviate from one’s true course
Will take from where the answers lie
Bravely face opposing force
For mystic birds of peace to fly

Rest is claimed with this now ending
Amidst brilliant, shimm’ring glow
Unveiling mists from light transcending
Revealing higher realms on show

A soul is salved in darkened hour
Once-fractured thoughts, restored
Free from chaotic evil’s scour Chaotic evil is a bit D&D sounding.
To journey back on silver chord

I love all the imagery and word usage. Unsure on what some of it means, but still good : P

Hi UC, thanks for popping by, always appreciate feedback. Meed is reward and recompense is generally used more for compensation or payment, there is a slight difference although it is close I agree. You have reviewed the original posting - V3 is the rewrite though a few tweaks are still needed. the "chaotic evil was removed" thanks for reviewing.