(07-21-2012, 09:14 AM)Universalchild Wrote: Old poem, fancy giving it a new lease on life.i've had my two constructives up top, cliche aren't verboten but we do have to be careful with them as they often weaken a poem. the same with some of the small words. 'become' on the 2nd line and the 'is' in line 10 is extra to requirement. i think it a solid write with some good imagery. (flavors would look better starting the next line. )
-------
We are what we eat, even though it's cliche, i'd set this line apart somehow. make it a statement for things to come.
become remains of beasts,
leaving stains on heart and cloth.
Cooked to perfection, our guilt is washed away cliche
with washed red hands, suffering is seared, one of the washed doesn't work
cruelty bathed in wines, roasted with herbs.
We soon forget the nature,
pretend that there was no life,
only the dream of a breath.i like the image in this narrative, some strong lines
The aroma of abattoirs is smothered
with sauces, cries are stifled with spices,
moans choked with crusts. i think this is really good. most vegans will be nodding their heads now saying "we know what you mean"
Exhausted, the torment is tender, the forsaken flavours
of flesh entice each man,
death digests, drips down
from lips, shame pushed aside for pleasure,
left only is the bone.
thanks for the read.
