07-20-2012, 09:32 PM
The grey, blacked-out, path of a thousand followers, - a little over dramatic for my taste
Thousand, million voice the facts, opinions thrown to the side of them.
Stars chucked across blacked out skies;
Meteors, shooting stars, cast back down to earth;
Ripped from hollow headed mantels, hacked from orange damsels, far from distress, < That was good
Original line there.
The popular life, kids, mass-producers, controlled through made up, fantasized realisms, True, but things 'aint going to change.
Thrown with cigarettes, thrown with joints, thrown with drugs,
Torn from worn televisions with pictures of hallucinating public statues and tragic stories; I think that should be "Of tragic stories;" because it then goes onto imply that the lost boys are the tragedy
Lost boys with only a companion to the left and right, ridiculed by attractive organisms. Sounds like you're a bit bitter here, but honestly it was my Favorite line of the poem.
Forgotten with wars, visionaries and slavery,
Wasted youth, deteriorated from birth, the scolding mark in their mind, scaring them from loving, feeling and forgetting.
Wondering only in solitary packs, two or three at a time,
Called from non-existing How are the phones non existing? phones, bursting with false friendships,
Only the laughter that comes from the pen, the ink that flows through naked bodies as red blood and memories, I don't find this very relateable? Sounds over dramatised, people don't often die from trends
Caught in safety nets which only exist in the imagination
Life’s which should be lived in day number one, not two,
Intimacy, romanticism, subsistence to the fashioned, crowd-pleasing, tasteless public's,
To where contemporary fools flush in hands full of insignificant and hopeful oblivion's. True.
Plucked from suburban prying hands,
Only to be thrown, chucked, abandoned,
Put out, rotting, the flesh of a thousand running down the iced out rivers,
Dead.
This got 6 out of 10 for me. It felt over dramatised and a bit bitter rather than what I think you where trying ti aim for was insightful?- but the anger is real and there are some very original lines that of which I have highlighted. I think this was quite reasonable but it wasn't a high flyer with me.
Thousand, million voice the facts, opinions thrown to the side of them.
Stars chucked across blacked out skies;
Meteors, shooting stars, cast back down to earth;
Ripped from hollow headed mantels, hacked from orange damsels, far from distress, < That was good
Original line there. The popular life, kids, mass-producers, controlled through made up, fantasized realisms, True, but things 'aint going to change.
Thrown with cigarettes, thrown with joints, thrown with drugs,
Torn from worn televisions with pictures of hallucinating public statues and tragic stories; I think that should be "Of tragic stories;" because it then goes onto imply that the lost boys are the tragedy
Lost boys with only a companion to the left and right, ridiculed by attractive organisms. Sounds like you're a bit bitter here, but honestly it was my Favorite line of the poem.
Forgotten with wars, visionaries and slavery,
Wasted youth, deteriorated from birth, the scolding mark in their mind, scaring them from loving, feeling and forgetting.
Wondering only in solitary packs, two or three at a time,
Called from non-existing How are the phones non existing? phones, bursting with false friendships,
Only the laughter that comes from the pen, the ink that flows through naked bodies as red blood and memories, I don't find this very relateable? Sounds over dramatised, people don't often die from trends
Caught in safety nets which only exist in the imagination
Life’s which should be lived in day number one, not two,
Intimacy, romanticism, subsistence to the fashioned, crowd-pleasing, tasteless public's,
To where contemporary fools flush in hands full of insignificant and hopeful oblivion's. True.
Plucked from suburban prying hands,
Only to be thrown, chucked, abandoned,
Put out, rotting, the flesh of a thousand running down the iced out rivers,
Dead.
This got 6 out of 10 for me. It felt over dramatised and a bit bitter rather than what I think you where trying ti aim for was insightful?- but the anger is real and there are some very original lines that of which I have highlighted. I think this was quite reasonable but it wasn't a high flyer with me.