First Post

[billy]

hi pg, try and do one per post, it makes sure we don't give generic feedback as though we're replying to a job lot

Here are a few of my unrelated short form poems. As you can see they do not adhere to a specific style. I look forward to feedback. Thanks. ...An
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rituals
rivers
And rainstorms
The feel of cool water
Over my skin would make a great senryu. the '...an' lot me a little. it creates strong images in the readers eye.

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innerwork the sound of dreams
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cheap chocolate
a streetlight
steps over the moon i really enjoyed this one. it has a feeling of just being...the street light over the moon, another good image.

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the only parts
she will let you see
cherry blossoms has a sexual connotation to it or a sexual tension. it's quite sexy, not sure if that were the intent

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falling star
the light that is me
scattered among shadow a senryu of sorts i like the image in the last line, and the 2nd works well in showing some kind of lack of self worth or shyness, i think something could be done to improve the first line,


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i really do like short form poetry like these. specially when they cradle an image. of course it can be a bugger making them perfect but that should be the aim. i think the 2nd is there, that the 1st needs something doing with the title. the 3rd is a decent 3 liner more senryu than haiku. and the last is almost a great senryu. thanks for the read and the first post.