07-17-2012, 10:11 AM
Just a couple of thoughts from me today (it's all I have, my brain is nearly empty)... why grey shadows? Isn't grey implied? Removing it starts the line on a trochee, which gets rid of Billy's perception of missing feet in the next line (nothing missing, just reversed, but it does throw out the rhythm a bit). Taking out some -ings has helped immensely.
S2 L3: day's
S3 L2: "In which" is awkward -- what about "there to gain some sweet reprieve"?
S3 L4: I'd get rid of "and"
S4: To answer your "not sure this works" -- no it doesn't. The meter's all mucked up. In L2, I do like "requiem" but my pronunciation gives it three syllables, which is too many. To remedy that, I'd use "not" instead of "never". L3 is also too long -- what about "spider venom boosts the flow"?
S5 L1: "largely" is way too vague
Between S5 and S6 you use "true" twice -- one should really go.
S8 L2: I'd put "and once-fractured thoughts restored" for the sake of meter. L3: It's less "evil" than "chaotic" that bugs me here, it forces me to rush the line and I don't like that
What about something like "free from turmoil's dreaded scour"?
Back later, need more coffee...
S2 L3: day's
S3 L2: "In which" is awkward -- what about "there to gain some sweet reprieve"?
S3 L4: I'd get rid of "and"
S4: To answer your "not sure this works" -- no it doesn't. The meter's all mucked up. In L2, I do like "requiem" but my pronunciation gives it three syllables, which is too many. To remedy that, I'd use "not" instead of "never". L3 is also too long -- what about "spider venom boosts the flow"?
S5 L1: "largely" is way too vague
Between S5 and S6 you use "true" twice -- one should really go.
S8 L2: I'd put "and once-fractured thoughts restored" for the sake of meter. L3: It's less "evil" than "chaotic" that bugs me here, it forces me to rush the line and I don't like that
What about something like "free from turmoil's dreaded scour"?Back later, need more coffee...
It could be worse